


[Eng] Dreaming the Sea

by Farea_Fire



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Eren Yeager, Eren Yeager Sees The Ocean, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I Will Go Down With This Ship, M/M, Ocean, Romanticism, Sailing, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Smut, Top Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Translation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2019-10-25 13:26:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 58,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17726039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Farea_Fire/pseuds/Farea_Fire
Summary: [Eren✗Levi] [Double POV]What would happen if two perfect strangers were forced to live together for a whole month, in a space confined and without privacy like that of a sailboat?





	1. A chance to dream

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Italiano available: [[Ita] Dreaming the Sea](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17726009) by [Farea_Fire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Farea_Fire/pseuds/Farea_Fire)
  * A translation of [[Ita] Dreaming the Sea](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17726009) by [Farea_Fire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Farea_Fire/pseuds/Farea_Fire). 



> Hello everyone~  
> I wrote this story almost a year ago, but it's the one I've been most deeply connected to. Perhaps because Eren's dream, in part, is also mine...
> 
>  
> 
> Even if this story is written in English, I'm Italian so there might be some typos or grammatical mistakes. I tried my best, but I'm still learning. If you notice something wrong, please feel free to notify me. Thank you for your time. I hope you enjoy the story! ♡

 

Have you ever had a dream?  
The kind so intense, which flow in the veins like blood. They become part of you and you know that they won’t disappear, no matter how much time passes. Those for whom you spend the night imagining, with which you fall asleep, and that give birth to a smile every time that they come back to your mind. They become part of you, they pulsate with your heart, fill the lungs with every breath and make the eyes shine.  
Those kind of dreams become our soul.  
I have a dream like this: I want to sail the sea.  
I want to wake up with the scream of the seagulls, to breathe the salty air while the wind ruffles my hair, to bathe in waters so deep that keep you from seeing the seabed. I want to sail a ship, watch the wind swell its sails, tame it and make it my ally. I want to look at the stars and the reflection of the moon on the waves rippled by the breeze.  
I dream of the ocean and the freedom that only something so immensely big can give you.  
One might think that I have benefited, having been born and raised in a crowded port city. I just need to open the window to get lost in the infinite horizon of water; with a short walk I can reach beaches and endless cliffs. The sea is all mine when there are no tourists to crowd those magical places of peace. I spent my entire childhood and adolescence running away from home just to sit on the docks and watch the ships take off.  
I have prayed so many times to be able to embark on one of them, anyone, go up and never go down again, leaving behind every problem, thoughts, memories.  
I've always been alone, in that dream.  
But sometimes fate designs unexpected surprises.  
   
*********  
   
One step forward another, we run without a precise goal.  
The sound of the waves crashing against the quayside is the faint background of our confused outdated singing, our cries and uncontrollable laughter.  
My head is spinning terribly, but I am absolutely sure that taking another sip from the bottle I hold in my hand will help me to get better. It's strange, I do not remember how many I've already drank, quite a few I bet, and yet my head only gets worse.  
Maybe it's not enough yet?  
   
«Eren, come back here! You can’t walk on water, yet!»  
   
My best friend grabs me by the wrist, moving me away from the edge of the quay. I didn’t realize I was walking diagonally. I look athim. I can hardly focus on his two big blue eyes and light hair, so clear that when it is day, under the light of the sun, they are impossible to look at.  
Armin tonight is one of the designated drivers in our cheerful band. Which means that he is one of the unfortunates souls forced to remain sober and, in his case, that means being on duty as baby sitter.  
Yes, because that hot evening of late-July revelry is our reward for having survived the long university exams session and nothing and no one can stop us from laughing and drinking and singing until we lose consciousness on the sand.  
Armin's job is just to make sure none of us get themself killed.  
   
Jean clings to my shoulders and we both fall to the ground, laughing like idiots. He takes a sip from my bottle of beer, but I rip it off his lips roughly.  
   
«Drink from your own, horseface!»  
   
«But it's almost over!»he complains, swinging at the rhythm of something that only he can hear.  
   
His alcoholic breath increases my dizziness.  
   
«That doesn’t mean you can have mine!»  
   
I shove him off and sit on the ground, undecided about how to stand up without risking falling again. In the distance, I see Marco trying to restrain Connie and Sasha from climbing on a tree that, at least from what the girl is screaming, is full of fruit pies and fried chicken wings that absolutely cannot be wasted.  
Here they are, the classic example of people who can’t stand a bit of alcohol.  
   
Ymir, a new one who has joined my company just recently, is hopping and jumping, trying to get our attention. When I focus on what she’s pointing, I immediately hold my breath: someone has forgotten to pick up the catwalk that connects one of the boats to the dock. Some idiot, for sure.  
I staggered closer, leaving Jean my bottle of beer: that is a sail boat worthy of the name.  
Large, impressive, with tall trees that can with stand any kind of wind. The sails are furled, but it’s not difficult to imagine their real size, the appearance that that strong triangle of fabric must have, when the wind inflates it, making it the most natural of the engines that nature can conceive.  
Well, this is just my personal opinion.  
Together we gather before the catwalk: for me that is a bridge that leads to paradise. I take a step forward and immediately feel Armin tighten my shirt.  
   
«Don’t even dare to think about it, Eren!»  
   
His tone is stern, but I know how to get what I want. I turn towards him, sticking off my lower lip, letting the dim light of the street lamps reflect in my big green eyes: I know him from our first steps and he never knew how to say no to my puppy eyes.  
He immediately shakes his head.  
   
«No!»  
   
«I just want to take a look...»  
   
«You'll get in trouble.»  
   
«I'll stay only five minutes...»  
   
«What you want to do is illegal…»  
   
«I've wished it for a lifetime!»  
   
«Eren...»  
   
«Armin… Please… Don’t take from me this opportunity to dream»AsI bring my hand to hold the key I wear around my neck, I feel my eyes moisten.  
   
Armin hesitates and looks down: he knows that eventhough my tears are mainly caused by alcohol, the feelings that inspire them are not fake. I haven’t been on a ship since _that_ day, almost fifteen years ago. It would mean a lot to me and he knows it better than anyone else. He sighs heavily and hugs me: I take the opportunity to dry my eyes.  
   
«I'll give you one minute and do not touch anything.»  
   
«Thank you» I whisper.  
   
I climb over the railing and my feet touch the wooden floor. It doesn’t seem true to me: I'm on a boat.  
I walk to the other side and lean out to watch the water move a few meters from me. My friends  followed me and now they walk up and down the ship's bridge, singing pirate songs and waving beer bottles. Sasha and Connie have reached the bow and they’re replicating the famous scene of “Titanic”, but it is she who has the role of Di Caprio and the thing raises laughters from us all.  
   
The granted minute ends, but none of us moves.  
Armin has come to sit next to me and together we let our feet dangle from the boat, on nothing.  
   
«It's so beautiful…» I mutter, resting my forehead against the cold metal of the railing, eyes closed.  
   
Armin strokes my back without speaking: some things don’t need to be said aloud. I feel dizzy: the nausea has added to my drunken symptoms. I would love to fall asleep there where I am, lulled by the sound of the waves, by the slight movement of the boat, under the light of the moon.  
My consciousness fades, slowly disappears as my body becomes heavy.  
   
It's Armin's screams that wake me up. I don’t think I've slept more than a few minutes, but I feel like I'm out of a coma that lasted for years. I process the sound of approaching police sirens, the shouts of my friends running down the boat, the booming sound of their steps on the woodfloor. I stand up and the world overturns. I can barely cling to the railing, avoiding an annoying out-of-program swim in the sea.  
I am alone.  
Nice friends I have. They rushed to safety without looking back even once. I am sure they will realize that I am not there, sooner or later. Anyway, now I can see the flashes of cars on the road in the distance. I have to get out of here, if I don’t want to sober up in the cell.  
Christ, I don’t even want to imagine what would happen if my father was forced to pay me the bail.  
I put a hand on my mouth, holding a retch that makes my throat and stomach burn. I've never feel this bad in my life.  
I blink, hoping that the world will decide to return to focus and maybe the objects stop doubling in front of my eyes. I move some unstable steps, reaching the main tree and the floor below me disappears.  
Where the fuck is the floor?!  
The hit I receive in the head gives me a vague answer. Too sore and sleepy, I feel my eyes close, my body moving out of my control, rolling under a protective plastic sheet. I curl up, praying the police will not find me.  
I can only hope for my good star now because my ears are ringing, my eyes is closing and then darkness envelops me.  
   
*********  
   
I feel cold, I'm trembling.  
My head is killing me, it seems that someone is hammering nails in the middle of the forehead. I would like to raise my hands to remove them, but I can’t move.  
I feel something touch my face and chest. I have a vague feeling that someone is talking, but I have absolutely no desire to commit myself to understand what he’s saying. All my energy is already concentrated in trying not to puke my guts out.  
I frown: why that fucking that voice doesn't shut up? Don’t they see that I’m fighting against the worst hungover of my life?  
However, it’s a beautiful voice… A male voice, deep and serious, perhaps foreign, judging by the accent, but I am not in my right mind and I don’t feel like judging.  
Now that I regained a little clarity, I'm more awake than before and decide that it's time to respond to my troublemaker with the sensual voice, if only to tell him to turn off the damn light that dazzles my eyes even if they are closed.  
   
Wait… sensual voice? Where did this come from?  
   
«Ohi!»  
   
I don’t have time to think about it now.  
   
«Mhmm…»  
   
I stand on my arms and lift myself into a semi-reclining position. Someone puts his hands behind my back, supporting me.  
   
«Hey, answer me. Are you sick?»  
   
«I feel awful…» I murmur, abandoning myself against him so I can lift my arms and press my hands over my eyes.  
   
Slowly, with his help, I sit down and cross my legs to find a stable position.  
   
«Do you need to go to the hospital?»  
   
I shake my head and immediately let out a lament. Bad idea, Jaeger, really bad. The nails in my forehead don’t give me a break.  
   
I hear him sigh, perhaps undecided whether to believe me or not. I would like to assure him that I am not going to die and my condition is only a consequence of the stupidity that afflicts me, but I fear that if I open my mouth again,it won’t be words that will come out of my lips.  
I decide to open my eyes.  
I slowly focus on the figure in front of me, blinking the eyelids several times.  
The owner of the sensual voice is a minute man: he has short windblown black hair, thin lips, frowned foreheads, intense gray eyes. And for all the gods of the sea, he is the most beautiful man I have ever seen in my short life. The neckline of his shirt, not completely buttoned, doesn’t help me to regain control of myself.  
My intention to answer explodes like a soap bubble. I open and close my mouth without being able to articulate half a word, while I feel my face warm up. Damn me and my damned habit of blushing.  
   
«Don’t you dare throw up on my boat.»  
   
His beautiful deep voice has become a hiss.  
   
«I won’t do it» I reply with difficulty, now more aware of the fact that those muscular arms that I am now observing are the same ones against which I abandoned myself a few minutes ago.  
   
«Are you sure you don’t have to go to the hospital?» he insists.  
   
Those eyes of the same color of the stormy sea seem genuinely concerned.  
   
«Very sure» I reply, unable to stop looking at him.  
   
There is also something else in his expression, which I cannot decipher.  
   
«Good. So, can you explain to me who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing on my boat, brat?»  
   
Oh, I get it.  
He’s _really_ pissed off.


	2. Forced co-existence

«Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing on my boat, brat?»   
   
The words get stuck in my throat again, but this time for a very different reason. I cannot even be bothered by the fact that he just insulted me.   
  
«Please don’t call the police» I beg him. «I haven’t stolen or broken anything, I swear.»   
   
The man frowns. He seems to reflect on how he wants to answer me and he chooses words with caution.   
   
«I know, but…»   
   
«I'm leaving now, don’t report me!»   
   
His lips, remained tense until now, bend slightly in what looks like the ghost of a smile.   
   
«Oh, I really want to see how you'll do it.»   
   
He seems very amused.   
   
«Oh, come on! I'm asking you a favor!» I know I should be a bit more gentle with someone I'm literally begging, but that little smile of his made me angry. «Don’t you have a little heart for a poor boy who is praying on his knees?»   
   
«As far as I don’t mind watching you pray» he looks away anid for a moment I think I see a different light in his stormy sea eyes «You cannot go anywhere. Unless you’re able to swim for all the miles that separate you from the coast.»   
   
 _The what from what?!_    
   
I put myself on my feet, perhaps too quickly. I lose my balance, but the man is behind me and keeps me standing. When I recover, I start to look around.   
Bow. Stern. Lardboard. Starboard.   
I also look up and down, just to make sure I’m not missing anything.   
Only then, I turn to him, who has remained behind me all the time, with his arms folded, looking at me from head to toe.   
   
«We’re in the open sea.»   
   
My voice is unusually high-pitched.   
   
«How clever of you to notice it.»   
   
«Don’t fuck with me! We’re out in the open sea! I don’t even see the coast anymore!»   
   
I feel like I could have a hysterical crisis at any moment.   
   
I tear my hair, struggling to keep my eyes open because of the sun. It’s very high, it must be almost noon. Around me there’s only the sea, as far as eyes can see.   
Are my friends wondering what happened to me?   
And my father? No, he could vaguely notice my absence, but it will take several days anyway. And in the meantime I ended up on a boat in the middle of nowhere with a stranger, which for all I know could be a ruthless serial killer. I shiver, looking at him: his expression is anything but friendly, I have no doubt that he could be.   
He raises an eyebrow, looking at me strangely, then lets out a sigh.   
   
«Come on, you need something to drink and eat» he says, turning away from me. «And maybe even a proper wash. You stink.»   
   
Blushing, I follow him: it’s not that I have a change of clothes hidden in the pockets of my trousers; the ultimate adventure I had planned, when I left home last night, was to spend the night asleep on the beach and wake up without remembering my name.   
We go downstairs: the inside of the cabin is very small, there is barely room for two people, but it is not surprising. On this type of boats it is necessary to live side by side, working together. Privacy doesn’t exist. There is a small bed in a corner of the cabin, built into what looks like a closet. The other half of the space is occupied by a modest kitchen, a fridge and a closable table. Everything smells of fresh and clean.   
I slip in the small bathroom that the man shows me and I open the tap water, to rinse my face and mouth: I am sure that my breath doesn’t smell so good, right now. Looking in the mirror, I almost frighten myself. My hair is fuzzy as usual, nothing new, but I'm dead pale and two black bags under my eyes make me look like a tanned vampire.   
I take off my shirt and wash it as best I can: I'll ask the man to hang it out a moment to dry, with the sun and the wind it shouldn’t take so long.   
When I get out of the bathroom, bare-chested and with a damp and well-squeezed shirt resting on one shoulder, I am hit by the pleasant aroma of coffee.   
He is giving me his back while he prepares two cups.   
   
«Ehm…»   
   
I start talking, but he interrupts me.   
   
«Listen, kid, we must…» he turns and his eyes linger for a moment on my bare chest.   
   
I almost feel the instinct to cover myself, while his eyes clearly descend from my face, to the pectorals and down to my abs. Well, I work out, is it a crime?   
   
«... we must speak» completes the sentence.   
   
Did I just hear him hesitate?   
I nod and follow him over deck. He sits, giving his back to the ocean and crosses his legs. I hang my t-shirt on a tight rope, tying it with a knot to keep the wind from taking it away, then I take the cup that he is offering me and sit down in front of him.   
   
«Thank you» I mutter, breathing the warm and bitter smell, as if he could bring me back to life.   
   
He answers me with a nod, then takes a sip from his cup.   
   
«Look, kid, there's a…»   
   
«My name is Eren.»   
   
He tightens his eyes, evidently annoyed by my interruption. Instinctively, it makes me retreat.  
   
«We have a problem to solve, here» he continues. «I can’t bring you back.»   
   
«What? Why?!»   
   
I knew it! He is a killer. Now he’s going to kill me. He will tear me to pieces and he will use my flesh to feed the sharks he carries on a leash, tied to the hull.   
   
«My contract doesn’t allow me to return to dry land before 30 days from today.»   
   
Armin has always told me that I fantasize too much.   
   
«Contract?»   
   
«Yes, that's what adults stipulate to offer services in exchange for money.»   
   
Before answering, I put on my best ah-ah-very-funny-what-a-witty-you-are face.   
   
«What do they pay you for? Stay away for a month so they don’t have to listen to your jokes?»   
   
He raises both eyebrows and looks at me.   
   
«Do you mean you don’t know who I am? That you got on an unknown ship and took a nap, without having the slightest idea of who the owner was?»   
   
Now I’m sweating: why should I know him? Is it a famous one?   
My mind is still too blurred. I can barely prevent my hands from shaking as they hold the handle of the cup.   
   
«It's not like I had planned it… I didn’t do it on purpose. Can I know who you are?»   
   
He doesn’t answer. He stands up and walks towards me. As he leans, I raise my arms, instinctively, but nothing happend and when he withdraws, holding a life preserver in his hand, he looks at me with a dazed gaze.   
   
«What the fuck are you doing? Did you think I wanted to beat you?!»   
   
Yes, that's exactly what I thought. I feel stupid and I hope the blush of my face can be mistaken for a sunstroke.   
I take the life preserver in my hands and read the engraved logo.   
 _Church & Ackerman, Nautical School._   
Ackerman.   
Oh.   
Sure.   
How did I not recognize him?   
   
«Levi Ackerman? Are you Levi Ackerman, the sailing skipper who also won the Olympics?!»   
   
I think I see him blush slightly, nodding his head.   
I know that my eyes are now shining and my face has taken on more color than I have until now, but I no longer have any possibilities to hold myself back. I'm talking to Levi Ackerman, one of my childhood heroes. How much did I dream becoming like him? How many times I begged my father to join the school he had founded in our city, after his retirement from the competitions.   
His refusal still burn, if I think about it, but sometimes destiny repays stubbornness.   
What I wouldn’t give now to have a piece of paper on which get his autograph. Maybe he would sign the shirt, if I asked really really kindly.   
   
«Now stop staring at me like that.»   
   
I shut my mouth as soon as I realize I left it wide open for several seconds while I looked at him.   
   
«Excuse me, but… It's not every day I meet someone like you!»   
   
«I'm glad, but you're missing the main problem, kid.»   
   
«Eren.»   
   
«I know your name.»   
   
«Then use it!»   
   
He runs a hand through his hair, pulling it backwards and I suddenly lose the ability to speak.   
   
«Eren.» Fucking shivers, stop doing up and down my spine. «Did you understand that I'm in the middle of an assignment, which plans to stay offshore for the next thirty days without being able to return to the dry land and, as a result, I can’t take you home?»   
   
«I understood.»   
   
«And it doesn’t bother you even a little?»    
   
I shake my head. Now that I know he isn’t a killer, my main problem has been solved. What's waiting for me at home, after all? Can I call home a place where my friends don’t notice my absence? Where can I not see my father for days, without either one of us care?   
My answer seems to upset him and a thought flashes in my mind.   
   
«O-Oh… Well, of course I’m sorry to cause trouble to you… Really sorry…»   
   
Levi opens and closes his mouth, then sighs heavily. Perhaps he wonders why a boy of my age has no one home to come back to or someone he thinks he should warn about his missing. Well, maybe I'll have to give a warning with the radio of the boat, just to not bother the police in unnecessary searches. What would happen if they thought Levi kidnapped me? No, I do not even want to imagine it.   
   
«I'll contact the coastguard to explain the situation to them. Let's not make them think he kidnapped you.»   
   
Heck, this man reads me in thought or what?   
   
«There's only one thing you'll have to do.»   
   
I swallow.   
   
«Stay out of my way.»   
  
I nod immediately, making me small where I am sitting.   
I look at him, while he return below deck. He no longer talks or looks at me as he closes the door behind him and I hear him fumbling with the radio frequencies.   
Sighing, I climb the boat and walk near the helm, right above the cabin: there is not much space, I wonder how I will not get in his way. From anywhere on the ship I can see him, he will be able to see me and this will be my life for the next thirty days.   
I carry myself under the main tree and look upwards. Just as I had imagined the night before, the triangular sail is enormous and impressive when it is inflated by the wind. There's another one in the bow, smaller. I find myself wishing to know the names of all these things that I see around me. I feel ignorant, I am ashamed to be in the company of an Olympic champion and not even know how to make a knot.   
I lie in the sun, with my arms under my head and my eyes closed: the fresh sea air and the coffee have healed me faster than any medicine my father ever made me swallow by force, when he surprised me in hungover.   
My senses are overwhelmed by the ocean that surrounds me: the wind in my hair, the salt on my skin, the sun that warms me, the scent of the wood of the ship, the sound of the sails that move, the hull that breaks the waves as we sail.   
It's relaxing and I feel at home, for the first time since I was seven.   
Before I can realize it, I fall asleep.


	3. The beginning of an adventure

 

_[Levi]_  
   
I would be lying if I said that finding him there, unconscious, didn’t freeze my blood. I mean, for a moment I seriously believed that someone had left a corpse on my boat. And of a boy so young. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time it happens. Not to me, fortunately, but this world is crazy and sick.  
I don’t remember feeling so relieved in my life as when I saw him open his eyes.  
And what eyes.  
Eren has two gems instead of irises, they shine with their own light with their bluish green, full of shades and golden splinters.  
A real blow to my heart.  
I made a great effort to stay focused on the real point of the situation, or his presence there, which was likely to get into trouble both.  
   
If I had been forced to go back to the port, the contract with the Nautical School’ sponsors would have gone to hell, and only God know how much we need that money.  
The more time passes, the more difficult it becomes for me to ride the wave of my ancient Olympic glory. Of course, it would be much simpler if I accepted one of the numerous invitations that I receive to train the new levers of future sailing champions, but this is not for me. What's exciting, in following someone who already knows everything? In repeating notions and strategies to navigated sportsmen, which of my advice don’t really know what to do with?  
Instead I like to deal with children, when for the first time they find themselves challenging the ocean and helping them to drive away their fears. I like to guide teenagers, as they take their first steps alone and become familiar with that wonderful world that is the open sea.  
They hang from my lips, but not for my name, not for the medals that decorate the walls of my apartment and that are useful only as paperweights. They listen to learn, they ask to understand, they do mistakes to try.  
To be able to mold from the beginning a new talent, like Chiron trained Achilles: this is what I want.  
   
I honestly don’t know in which category place Eren in.  
He knows me, it's true. He esteems me, he's probably part of that endless group of people who go around with a picture of me printed on my shirt, thinking they're my number one fan and know everything about me.  
On the other hand, however, the light that shines in his eyes reminds me of the children.  
He was genuinely excited, as he pronounced my name. He moves on the boat with a cautious respect, as if he were afraid of being unsaddled at any moment.  
Of one thing I'm sure: he loves the sea and every cell in his body screams it.  
   
I hear his steps above my head as I sit down on the little bed and grab the microphone on my radio. Eren stops right above me: a slight series of shots informs me that he must have been lie down. Do you think you're on vacation, kid?  
   
«Humanity's Strongest at Coast Guard, answer please. »  
   

**● ● ● ● ●**

   
Half an hour later, I'm back in the sunlight. Explaining everything was hell, and the police filled me with questions, but it seemed that Eren's calm was more than justified: it seems that he has no one home to come back to.  
He is also of age, so his only consent is more than enough, without having to bother his parents.  
I still have to wait for the response from my sponsors’ lawyers, but I'm pretty sure they can’t cause me any trouble: the contract says I cannot touch the ground for thirty days, I have to survive only with the products given by them on the boat they gave me and make regular video reports for their fucking publicity. They say nothing about me having to travel alone.  
Eren can stay here.  
This should have been a solo trip and although the rations abound,  
I have no idea where to make him sleep or how to make him dress. He certainly can’t wear the same shirt and the same trousers for a whole month. Not to mention underwear…  
I wrinkle my nose, annoyed at the thought. We need to figured some things out.  
   
I find him exactly where I had imagined, asleep on the deck of the ship, a few meters from the rudder platform. He is curled up next to the tree and hugs himself with his arms around his chest: even under direct sun, the wind is cold and he is shirtless.  
At a guess, he seems to have the same size as Farlan, so if the bastard has kept his name of chronic disordered, I will find something of his to lend him, around the boat. I don’t want him to get sick, so I kneel beside him and shake him by the shoulder.  
He doesn’t reply.  
Heavy sleep, mh.  
   
«Eren…»  
   
«Mum?»  
   
I don’t know whether to laugh or kick him.  
   
«Hey, kid, get up.»  
   
His forehead frowns, just before he opens his eyes: I mirror myself again in those irises and I enjoy every moment while he realizes what has just happened and remembers where he is. He sits up quickly: his arms fall to the sides of his body, leaving me free the sight of his tanned chest, the abdominals in evidence and the V sign that draws the beginning of the groin.  
I get up quickly and grab the rudder, turning my back to him: I can only hope that he hasn’t realized how much my gaze has fallen down, along his body. He's at least ten years younger than me, am I becoming one of those old perverts drooling behind the kids? I'm thirty-five, I'm not that old.  
And he is of age, there would be absolutely nothing wrong or illegal.  
I sigh heavily: I'm trying to justify myself and it doesn’t work at all.  
Eren gets up and I find him next to me.  
   
«So?» he asks.  
   
I stiffen to that question: possible that he really realized?  
   
«What?» I reply, showing all my indifference.  
   
«Didn’t you call the Coast Guard?»  
   
I would like to punch myself. How could I not immediately understand what he was referring to?  
   
«Yes, there's no problem. It's an out of program for both of us, but it seems there will not be any consequences.»  
   
He sighs with relief and smiles at me.  
   
«Thank god! I was really scared of having created some kind of mess! I would never have forgiven myself…»  
   
«Don’t think you're on vacation. You got on my ship, you'll help.»  
   
From the way he freezes in place and pales, I must have said something really shocking. I raise an eyebrow and lean against the rudder with one arm.  
   
«W-What should I do?»  
   
Why does he suddenly seem so uncomfortable?  
   
«Keeping the ship tidy, the shifts at the helm, checking the course, the winds…» He is staring at the floor insistently, keeping his hands crossed behind his back and a doubt assails me. «Eren…»  
   
«Yeah?»  
   
«You have no idea what I'm talking about, haven’t you?»  
   
Now he’s looking at me and in his bright green eyes I see a lot of guilt and shame. He blushes suddenly and has the classic expression of someone who is praying because the ground beneath his feet opens, to make him disappear. Cute.  
   
«I-I’m sorry, I’ve never lead a ship or taken classes…»  
   
I sigh and I bring two fingers to press over my eyes, a gesture that I have always found relaxing, for some reason. So I'm stuck for a month with a kid who can’t recognize a bow from a mainsail and that won’t be useful at all. I shouldn’t have assumed that he was able to sails the sea. I don’t know why something in his attitude made me believe it.  
   
«I’m sorry…»he murmurs uncertainly, looking down.  
   
«At least don’t get in my way.»  
   
Eren nods and walks away, tail between his legs. He wears the shirt that has dried, crumpled and ruined by the bizarre knot that made it to hang it in the sun.  
He stays calm and aside for the rest of the day: I keep an eye on him, to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself by improvising as a sailor or falling off the boat for any distraction.  
I worry about nothing: his behavior is nothing short of exemplary. He doesn’t speak, almost doesn’t look at me, his attention is turned to the sea that surrounds us. He spends hours looking at the waves crashing on the hull or with his eyes lost on the horizon, where the sky plunges into the water.  
Only when it begins to darken and I decide to throw the anchor for the night, his attention focuses all on me. I perceive him while he observes my every movement: every rope that I pull, sail that I furl, knot that I tighten. He has the curious eyes of those who want to learn, but he’s too afraid to ask me anything.  
I have no intention of being the first to bother myself: if he wants me to teach him, he will have to ask me.  
He follows me when I go below deck and we prepare dinner together. This suits him well, apparently the kitchen could be his main job for next month.  
   
«I didn’t know this stuff could have a decent taste» I say, in an awkward attempt to compliment him.  
   
He blushes a little, while cleans the worktop, throwing the cans of preserved food, now empty, into the appropriate container. He’s very neat, a point in his favor.  
   
«I learned how to make a meal with what I had. I'm not picky» he replies, chuckling, without looking at me as he wipes a rag on the shelf.  
   
After dinner, the radio begins to croak. I adjust the frequency and Farlan’s voice comes out from the small speakers. Well, this is the moment of truth.  
   
_«Ehy, Levi! How are you doing?»_  
   
«Did you get any news from the sponsors?» I don’t have time for this, I want to go to sleep.  
   
_«Yes, I just came back from the lawyers' office. They say the fact that you also have to take care of another crew member, so young for more, could almost be a plus!»_  
   
I feel a bit of annoyance to be considered a kind of baby-sitter for this boy, but since he doesn’t even know which way a boat is turned, they are not entirely wrong. To my bad luck.  
   
It annoys me to be considered like a baby-sitter for this boy, but since he doesn’t even know which way a boat is turned, they aren’t entirely wrong. How lucky I am.  
   
«Tch, roger that. Do you forget about the fact that this is all extra work and they should pay us more?»  
   
I see Eren blushing at the idea of having complicated the task and his lips move, mimicking an apology.  
   
_«By the way, Levi. Is he still alive, your clandestine? He's so silent…»_  
   
In his voice I catch a hint of suspicion.  
I reach out and grab Eren's T-shirt, pulling him in front of the microphone.  
   
«Say something, so he will stop thinking that I tied you up in the hold with the soup tins.»  
   
«Ehm… Hi?»  
   
_«Eren! My boy, be strong!»_  
   
I'm about to insult Farlan, but Eren's laugh interrupts my every thought.  
   
«I'm sorry I caused you troubles» he says for the umpteenth time, smiling at the microphone as if Farlan could somehow see him through it.  
   
_«No problem! In fact, I'm almost relieved, you know? A whole month alone… Levi would have returned even more grumpy than he already is! He would probably unlearn to speak.»_  
   
«Try to repeat it, Church!» I say, but I only get the laugh of both as an answer.  
   
Eren is surprisingly relaxed while talking to Farlan, much more than he has been throughout the day. Watching him talk as if they had always known each other, I start to feel strange, almost annoyed. I frown, trying to identify the source of my discomfort, but I find no rational cause. Probably I just need to sleep, so this call must be closed quickly.  
   
«Do you like cookies and tea?» I break them coldly, tearing the microphone from the hands of a confused Eren, who looks at me with wide green-blue eyes.  
   
_«Okay okay, fun’s over. I let you rest. I imagine you will be tired, after a similar day…»_  
   
«Farlan, wait» I block him before it disappears. «I need to know if you've left something yours since the last time you were here. Trousers, t-shirts…»  
   
_«Oh yes. Try to see if there is a bag with the mark of our school, under the cot.»_ I watch Eren move immediately to check. _«If there's anything, it's definitely there.»_  
   
The kid shows me the bag with a triumphant smile and at that point I close the communication with Farlan, giving him an appointment for a few days later.  
Together we empty the contents on the cot, to check if there is anything useful. Without me saying anything to him, Eren begins to separate trousers, t-shirts and underwear, creating small neat piles.  
   
«These should be fine. I'll wash everything and…» his voice disappears and silence forces me to focus on him.  
   
His face is red –again, cute - and is staring at a box in his hand, found in Farlan's bag. I'll take it before he can react: condoms.  
   
«Tch, damn pervert. The fact that he doesn’t know how to keep his pants on doesn’t authorize him to bring this stuff on my boat» I mutter, tossed it on the bed.  
   
Eren doesn’t comment, he just takes all the clothes in the bathroom, promising to wash them the following day.  
On his return, we find ourselves having to face another problem of this new forced cohabitation: we have only one bed.  
I propose to use it in turn, one night each and he agrees, without objecting. I know he would have spent the whole month sleeping on the ground like a dog if I had ordered him, but I'm not that kind of person.  
I want to at least try to make these four weeks awaiting us bearable and the watchwords are: organization and respect.  
We flip a coin: the first night the bed is mine.  
Somehow we manage to create a small mattress for him, combining all that soft we find on board to arrange a stuffing. The result is quite satisfactory, although I am sure that my back will be affected by the nights spent on that bed of luck.  
   
«Are you sure it’s okay? We can think of someth-»  
   
«No» he interrupts me, earning a glare that he doesn’t care about. «That will be fine. Thank you.» He smiles at me and I look away.  
   
Half an hour later I am washed and ready to sleep. I need it a lot, now that I noticed. As soon as my body touches the mattress, I feel the muscles give up and relax. One of the most beautiful sensations.  
I peek in the room and find what I'm looking for: the kid has sat on the table and looks out the porthole. The sky is dark and the stars shine with much more intensity than what can be seen from the city.  
   
«Goodnight Eren» I say before turning off the light.  
   
«Good night.»  
   
I fall asleep almost immediately, looking at the profile of that brat enlightened by the natural light of the moon.


	4. The light of the stars

Coffee.  
I don’t think there’s a better smell than this in the world. Whoever says that hates it, is lying, I'm ready to swear it.  
My eyes open on an unknown environment and it takes me a few seconds of total mental confusion before the memories of the previous day come back vivid. The awakening, Levi, the sailboat, the open sea, Levi, the waves, the month of forced stay, Levi, the phone call with Farlan, the tremendous embarrassment for the history of condoms. Did I mention Levi?  
I lift myself on my elbows, licking my dry lips and a choked laugh catches my attention.  
   
«Nice hair» Levi grins, with a seraphic smile on his face.  
   
I immediately pass a hand over my head. I know very well that I'm a mess when I’m just awake, but thank you very much for pointing out to me.  
   
«Good morning to you too!»  
   
Blushed, I stagger to the bathroom and wash my face: I look much better than yesterday. There is a toothbrush on the sink: it's new and green. I take it as an invitation and use it, then putting it in the glass together with the blue one. I leave the bathroom, clean, combed and dressed in Farlan's clothes: a pair of shorts and a tank top with a huge wind rose printed in the center.  
Levi has sat down at the table: he doesn’t look at me and continues to read the book he holds in his hands, while I sit in front of him. I can’t understand what it is. I try to read the title on the cover, but the words are incomprehensible to me. Is it written in another language? Well, basically his origins are French, if I'm not mistaken. Or at least, the magazine that talked about him had reported this. Who knows how he ended up teaching in Germany. Wouldn’t it be better for him to do it in French? Maybe I shouldn’t do these kind of thoughts. After all, I would never have met him if he had worked elsewhere.  
It 's also true that I would never have been lost in nothingness in the middle of the sea with a perfect stranger with social skills equal to those of a…  
   
«Eat with your mouth, not your whole face!»  
   
I blink and return to reality. The toast that I was eating falls back into the plate, when I quickly grab the napkin to clean my mouth, dirty with jam. God, why do I always have to make a fool of myself!?  
   
«Sorry ... I was lost in thought.»  
   
He doesn’t answer me and goes back to read. I can’t help but giggle as I start my breakfast again. He looks at me, raising an eyebrow and I understand that he wants to know what I find so funny.  
   
«My mother always told me the same thing.»  
   
«Do it, then» he closes the book and gets up.  
   
I look the rest of my breakfast: I lost my appetite.  
Washed the dishes, we go up together on the deck.  
The ship is so different with the furled sails: it looks smaller. Skeletal, almost. I know those trees are hardy, so we could both climb to the top without them moving an inch, but they look fragile, without the protective wing of the sail covering them.  
Levi surpasses me and points straight to the anchor mechanism: I see him fumbling with some controls and levers, then the thick metal chain begins the retreat, lifting the weight that has kept the boat motionless during the night. The sound is annoying, iron against iron strides, invoking me to plug my ears with my hands, but I don’t want to disfigure in front of Levi, being so weak that I can’t stand a little noise. I'm not like that.  
He doesn’t speak to me and I don’t speak to him, but I follow him, always keeping me at a safe distance: I don’t want to give him any opportunity to reproach me or ask me to leave. The rule is “Do not stand between my feet” and it will be done. Nothing prevents me from studying, though.  
He loosens the knots that keep the sails furled and they free themselves, swelling immediately. The boat moves abruptly, adjusting its balance with the new force of the captured wind. I am forced to keep myself at the balustrade, so as not to slip.  
   
«Be careful not to fall into the sea, I won’t stop to fish you out!» Levi warns me, pointing his hands on his hips.  
   
Doesn't miss a trick, that man.  
I watch him move on the bridge like a cat, silent and fast. Before I can realize it, we are already sailing and the boat gently cuts the waves, pointing towards a horizon unknown to me.  
I am enchanted by the water with all its movements, for a time that seems infinite. When I come to my senses, I realize I'm alone.  
Not that Levi could have gone so far.  
I go downstairs and find him there, busy calculating and measuring something on a map, with unknown instruments, muttering words that I only heard in movies and of which I don’t know the meaning.  
The more time I spend here the more I realize that my dreams of sailing were far more distant from me than I had ever believed. Leading a boat is the hardest thing I've ever seen. It's not just adventure and breeze in my hair, but calculation and strategy. It's knowing where you're going, knowing where you've been, with no other points of reference than the ones the ocean itself can give you.  
I can only look on the sidelines and learn as much as possible. Levi is a true master of the sea.  
   
In order of being useful, I decide to take care of everything I can do: the housework.  
Or rather, should I call them 'boatwork'?  
I make the beds, I open the portholes and the door to change the air, I clean everything that seems dirty. The sea water leaves many stains when it dries, because of the salt it contains and I make them disappear, one after the other, under the satisfied gaze of that pair of gray and severe eyes.  
I don't receive from him any sign of approval, but neither reproaches and I deduce that what I am doing is, if not right, at least bearable for him.  
It’s difficult to understand what goes through his head. His expression is constantly serious, almost the same in every moment of the day, as it was drawn on his face. I often find myself looking at him, then turning around in a hurry when our eyes meet.  
   
I'm sitting next to the helm, cross-legged and I watch the sun disappear into the ocean when Levi sighs. I lean my head back and look at him from the bottom up, but he doesn’t pay any attention to me.  
   
«Dinner time» he says, starting to fumble with the rudder and blocking him in his current position.  
   
I keep looking at him even when he starts climbing the tree to lower the sails: he could do it very well even without climbing up there, but I suspect he likes height. Perhaps it gives him a particular thrill, which I am not allowed to know. Also he has a nice ass and so it's easier for me to spy on him.  
This boat is making me more gay than I already was.  
I decide to prepare dinner for both of us. Not that there is so much to choose from, we do not have fresh food. I can just try to make decent that little choice of cans and frozen stuff we have, to vary a little. Eating the usual things for a whole month could kill me.  
For when Levi comes out of the shower, I have finished setting and cooking and I show him the result with a touch of pride. He seems impressed and appreciates my commitment. I understand it because he struggles to be a bit 'more friendly than usual.  
   
«Leave it, I'll take care of it» he says to me as I begin to clear the table, after every crumb has been made to disappear.  
   
«Don’t worry about it, I can do it.»  
   
Here, his annoyed face is back.  
   
«We have decided to base this cohabitation on shifts, am I wrong?»  
   
«No, you are not, but you're tired.» His frowning expression just relaxes, at these words. «You worked all day, I didn’t. You should rest and let me do what I can.»  
   
Silence falls and I don’t dare break it.  
Levi is looking at me and I'm too busy fighting the urge to look down: I don’t want to give up this time. I know I'm right.  
I can’t understand what he is thinking. It destabilizes me, makes me insecure. When he stands up, I instinctively feel my body tense, as if I were ready to escape at any moment.  
He grabs his plate and walks towards me.  
I hold my breath.  
He puts the plate in the sink, then his hand, small and callused for the hard work of a lifetime, just tightens my shoulder and my body melts at that faint contact.  
   
«Just for tonight. And don’t get used to it» he says, before disappearing into the bathroom for his strange evening cleaning-ritual.  
   
I still feel warm, there where his skin has touched mine, an imprint that reassures me. As I wash the dishes, I reflect: I didn’t understand what I should not get used to. Wash the dishes in his place? Have won on him?  
Oh, Levi Ackerman, you can be a former Olympic athlete, but as for stubbornness, nobody beats me.  
When he get out of the bathroom, the cabin is clean and the beds ready to be occupied. I'm not sleepy and I hoped I could still be awake for a bit, maybe looking at the sea like last night. Levi lies down and grabs a book: none of us seem to want to sleep, after all.  
   
«What are you reading?» I ask him, unable to contain my curiosity.  
   
«A book.»  
   
Should I laugh? I glare at him, but he doesn’t look up from the pages and I mentally send him to the devil.  
Read whatever you want, I don’t care!  
Suddenly I feel the need to get out: how can a man so small contain all this dislike? Does he intend to spend like this the next 29 days? Because if so, I doubt my self-control can resist. I'm not exactly famous for my patience.  
I walk through the cabin, open the door and go up. Levi doesn’t call me, nor asks me anything.  
I don’t even know if he noticed that I came out, taken as it is from his damn book. Is it more important than a person? Not that it is a novelty for me to be considered invisible.  
I don’t go far. I sit right outside the door on one of the container benches and hug my knees. My eyes are rising towards the sky, looking for the stars. I noticed it last night, looking from the porthole. The sky in the open sea is much darker, an intense black that the lights of the cities on the coast don’t affect if not on the horizon. The stars really look like diamonds, when they shine like this. I easily find the polar star.  
It seems so close… I lift a hand, as if to touch it, but I stop immediately: I don’t want him to see me, considers me stupid.  
To relax, I start counting the stars. It's a game I played as a child, with my mother and Armin, when we were still inseparable, two halves of the same coin. We spent hours sitting in the garden looking for the constellations we had read in the book that Armin always managed to steal from his grandfather. He was a kind old gentleman and he regarded me as another nephew, but he had this obsession with his books and didn’t want them out of the studio. But you can’t see the stars on the ceiling of a room.  
How many hours, days, happy months I carry in my heart, memories of a lifetime ago. A life that was swept away in one night, the one in which I lost everything that was dearest to me.  
   
«Ohi, kid!»  
   
I turn around and see him on the threshold of the door. This time it’s not difficult for me to read his expression: he is annoyed. He must have called me several times, but I couldn’t hear him.  
   
«Yes?» I blink repeatedly, to fight back the tears that the memories had recalled.  
   
«Come back inside. It's cold, I want to close the cabin door.»  
   
I nod and get off the bench. As I approach, I see his expression change: he must have noticed my shiny eyes or red nose. He makes no comment and looks away when I step in front of him and slip in bed.  
   
«Goodnight» I say from under the blanket so that it completely hides me.  
   
I fall asleep immediately and if he answers me, I don’t hear him.


	5. Chart a course

«If you don’t stop playing with that rope, you'll drop a pulley on your head» he reproaches me sharply. «And I assure you, it hurts.»  
   
«Does that happen to you often?»I giggle and immediately put my hands behind my back, to show him that I have understand.  
   
He looks away and I don’t insist. I don’t want to put him in a bad mood.  
   
It's been three days since that evening, when he almost found me crying. We've never talked about it, so I don’t even know if he's avoiding the subject by pure courtesy, disinterestedness or simply because he hasn’t realized anything. I wouldn’t like to broach the subject under any circumstances, so I'm fine with it, but I can’t help wondering why, since that day, Levi has become much more bearable. Not sociable, no, that is a goal light years away, but it is less unfriendly and he has even started to answer some of my questions about boat and navigation: a dream come true.  
He doesn’t talk much and his explanations are always reduced to the bare minimum, but it’s much more than I have had in the last twenty years. No grim look, annoyed eyes or ironic joke could weaken my enthusiasm.  
It's too important for me.  
I started to get up before him, to make him find the breakfast ready and the hot coffee. We don’t have alarm clocks on board. The sun entering the porthole marks the beginning of our day and the sunset the end. My biological clock is completely fucked: I don’t think there has ever been a time of my life when I got up at 6 in the morning and went to sleep at 21. The opposite happened and I'm not used to it. Yet I never felt better. My body is full of energy, I breathe better, I move better, even the food seems more tasty.  
It’s the effect of the ocean and its magic.  
 

*********

  
«Do you know how to use this?» Levi asks me one afternoon.  
   
Oh, a lesson! I look up at him and cover my eyes from the sun, which blinds me right behind him.  
   
«Ehm… What is it?»  
   
«Great start.»  
   
I roll my eyes.  
   
«Are you going to tell me or keep making fun of me?»  
   
Levi sits next to me, takes my hands and puts the strange instrument right in the middle. Oh, what a fool I am. Now that I see it decently, I recognize it, even if I have no idea what it's called. I saw it at home, used as an ornament.  
   
«This is a sextant» he says.  
   
Right, I remembered he had a strange name. I hope to remember it because I know that soon he will asks, only to check if I have listened to him.  
   
«You can use it to orientate. It measure the angle between an astronomical object and the horizon for the purposes of celestial navigation.»  
   
I nod strongly. I have a vague memory of seeing my mother use it, sometimes, but I wouldn’t be able to do it. I listen to Levi, while he explains to me how all the satellites, radar and GPS in the world would never be able to replace this small instrument, which has been used all over the world for centuries. With my fingers, I touch all those metal parts, I tilt it to look at it from every angle.  
   
«How do you use it?» I ask, turning my gaze to him.  
   
I immediately regret asking for it, because Levi moves behind me and it suddenly becomes very difficult to concentrate on what he is saying. How can I pay attention, when his hands are on mine and direct the small instrument that we hold together? Are the words important, when his breath warms my neck and the scent of his clothes fills my lungs? My heart suddenly accelerates, I can’t explain why, but I pray to all the gods that he doesn’t notice. All my energy is now concentrated on maintaining a semblance of self-control, so as not to make a bad impression in front of him, one of those that would ruin the rest of the journey. I can’t let him realize that I like him _that_ way. I don’t know what he thinks about the "rainbow topic" and I'm not going to spend a month bogged down by crooked looks. I swallow and try to listen to what he is saying.  
   
«Make this part match with the horizon, like this. Now you just have to move this. Look for a reference point, like a star and calculate your position. This is the basic theory, since now it is day you can’t see any stars.»  
   
«Can we try tonight?»  
   
«Sure. If you can tell me everything I've just explained to you.»  
   
A long moment of silence falls between us and I slowly turn around, to look him in the eyes and give him my kindest smile.  
   
«Ehm… Could you repeat, please?»  
 

*********

  
That night the sky is covered by clouds and my practical lesson is postponed. However, this doesn’t prevent him from questioning the theory. He is sitting on the bed, cross-legged, chin resting on his hand and he’s looking at me. At that moment, I am aware of being the only thing he is looking at, on which he is concentrating. I have all his attention and I can’t keep my face from bushing, while I speak repeating everything I remember and let him correct the wrong terms.  
   
«Not bad»is my final vote and I sigh with relief.  
   
«Obviously» I say seraphically, turning the sextant in my hands.  
   
«If you behave well for the rest of the month, maybe I'll let you keep it."  
   
I didn’t expect this. It catchesl me by surprise, this momentum of sudden kindness, but I thank him anyway. While I put the sextant in his custody, inside of me I decide that it will be mine at all costs.  
 

*********

  
_«Eren! You're still alive!»_  
   
I laugh, sitting on the bed next to Levi, who is holding the radio communicator in his hand, looking at it with obvious annoyance.  
   
«Yes, Farlan. I haven’t become a cannibal yet. He's alive» Levi replies, staring at the radio as if he could incinerate his interlocutor.  
   
_«Oh, no? Good to know, but I was talking to Eren! Not everyone can be unharmed after a whole week spent in your company alone and I am living proof of it!»_  
   
«It wasn’t difficult» I reply, without thinking. «It was good.»  
   
Levi looks up at me and I mirror in those gray eyes that I have not yet been able to decipher. I know he wants to tell me something, when he looks at me in silence like this. I can feel it, but it's too difficult to really understand it. Especially when he is so close to me and I’m already busy trying not to blush like a little girl.  
   
«Levi is never too friendly with anyone over twelve, but I'm happy that your cohabitation works.»  
   
«I don’t see why it should not, as long as he continues to obey and learn.»  
   
«I learned to use the sextant!» I say proudly to Farlan, who laughs and congratulates me.  
   
«You learned the theory, don’t put your head up, kid. It doesn’t mean you know how to trace the course.»  
   
«Only because the sky has been covered by clouds, last days…» I say, pouting.  
   
Why do you have to belittle me? I have worked so hard to remember every passage, name and procedure.  
   
_«Now it's cleared, let him try it»_ Farlan adds and I can’t help but smile: he's always so kind to me.  
   
I like him, even though we've only talked twice, he's got that kind of personality that makes you feel nice to skin, as if you had known him for years.  
   
«Cut short, Church.»  
   
My smile goes out: he has called him by last name. He does it with me too, sometimes, but always for one reason: he is irritated. Did something make him angry? I can’t understand, it seemed like a normal conversation.  
   
_«To the orders, Captain. Just one last thing. A boy has been here, blond, blue eyes. He wanted to talk to you, Eren. He left me a message.»_  
   
Now _I am_ irritated.  
From the description he is definitely talking about Armin. But why did he go to the nautical school? I had asked Farlan to inform him of the situation, but in my message I didn’t ask him to contact me. It's been a whole week, but nothing has changed for me: the selfish way with which he abandoned me, escaping from the boat, still bothered me.  
He has always been good at running away and over the years he has only confirmed it.  
Lost in my thoughts, I forget that Farlan is still listening, waiting for my answer. I prevent my eyes from crossing those of Levi, even by mistake: I don’t want to see what his irises could reflect.  I don’t want to see him analyze my silence and my pain in that careful and judging way.  
I don’t want my messed life on dry land to creep here too, in my little corner of heaven.  
   
_«Eren?»_ Farlan calls me, and I sigh.  
   
«What does the message say?» I ask, clenching his teeth.  
   
There is a short pause, during which the only sound is the noise of the sheets of paper that Farlan is launching everywhere, trying to find the one where the message is pinned.  
   
_«He asked to tell you that he was sorry for what happened, that he's happy you're okay and wants to talk to you when you come back.»_  
   
«I understand. Thank you.»  
   
_«Do you want me to tell him something? He left me a number to call… I don’t usually work as a secretary, but he seemed so upset and…»_  
   
Oh, Armin is upset. How sorry I am.  
   
«No thanks, that’s okay.»  
   
_«Roger that.»_  
   
His tone is amused and joking like a moment ago, but now I can’t find it funny: I just want to close this damned call and trying to get some peace.  
   
«That's enough, Farlan. We'll talk again in the middle of next week, for the usual check» Levi intervenes, perhaps reading my behavior. For once I'm really happy that he's so good at understanding me.  
   
I stay silent, staring a the wood floor, until Levi finishes the radio call.  
The atmosphere is heavy and I know I'm the cause. I feel guilty for having involved him in these bad moods too, but I don’t know how to fix it.  
   
«Eren.» His voice is soft when he calls me and I immediately look up to look for him.  
   
He stands by the door, with the sextant in one hand and the handle in the other. He just smiles at me, pointing to the exit with a nod of his head.  
   
«D-Do you really want me to try?»  
   
«If you think you're up to it.»  
   
«Kiddin?! Gimme that!»  
   
It looks like a magic, but every cloud has vanished as much from the sky as from my mind. I jump up and cancel the distance between us, stealing the sextant from his hands before running literally on the deck of the ship. Levi follows me, holding his hands in his pockets and the wind moves his hair: some strands cover his face, but he doesn’t give signs of wanting to move it and I like him like that. I reach the bow and no obstacle prevents me from looking at the infinity of sky and ocean that merge together.  
Soon the last rays of the sun will disappear and it will be impossible to tell where one begin and the other end. I lift the sextant in front of the face, making it match with the horizon line. Levi's hands help me and together we calculate our position, taking the pole star as a reference. My heart beats faster, when his chest leans against my back. Closing my eyes, I allow myself a second of peace wrapped in the feeling that this man gives me every time he approaches me. I sigh when, against the shoulder, I feel his own beat: it's fast, almost as much as mine.  
We spend several minutes practicing: he makes me take our position countless times, changing the celestial reference every time, tending small tricks to verify that I know what I'm doing and not acting only by repeating what I've seen done.  
   
«Thank you for what you do» I murmur, when the sun is completely gone by now.  
   
I turn around. He is already looking at me; his face is only a few inches from mine and I hold my breath.  
   
«Sometimes» he says slowly, in a low voice. «The ocean can scare. Everything seems enormous and impossible to face and its immensity can make you feel small, lost and alone.» His hands take mine and close them slowly on the sextant. «You have all the tools to trace your course, Eren.»  
   
I don’t know how to answer. My eyes suddenly burn and my throat starts to hurt, while I struggle to drive away the melancholy that tries to overwhelm me. His hands are so soft.  
He looks away from my eyes only when the tears that have popped at the corners are too obvious to pretend not to see them. His fingers brush against my hair, tearing them into a quick caress that causes me endless chills down my back.  
   
«Don’t stay too long out here. I'm sleepy and I won’t keep the lights on just for you, kid»he says to me, before returning below deck.  
   
At that point I can’t stand it anymore and the heat along my cheeks tells me that the tears have prevailed. I sit on the ground, resting my back on one of the trees and I cry silently.  
I chase every emotion I've experienced in the last week out of my body and I'm surprised to find them almost all positive. They are tears of joy and I don’t need to ask myself who is the cause.  
From under my shirt, I pull out a necklace with a golden key like pendant. _Hope_ , these are the letters engraved in the metal.  
   
«Oh mum, I really hope you can see all this» I smile, caressing the most precious of my treasures. «I didn’t feel so alive since you left. I wish it could last forever…»  
   
I remain on the bridge for more than an hour, telling her all that I have done in the last week, in the last few years, my emotions, my feelings. I talk to her about Levi, about my father and about Armin. I talk to her about what I miss.  
When I finally calm down and go back down below, I find Levi asleep in bed, with his book in his hands.  
The lights still on.  
 


	6. Close and unreachable

_[ Levi ]_

I open my eyes and yawn almost immediately. It's still dark outside. I have the feeling of having rested badly and I don’t understand why.  
Slowly, the memories of the night before came back:Eren's tears, the hour spent waiting for him to come back and the heavy feeling on my chest. I had fought instinct telling me to go out and check where he was, to give him his freedom, but it had been so damn hard.  
The book I was reading when I fell asleep, while I was waiting for him, is closed and back on its place. The lights are off and his slight snoring comes from somewhere on the floor below me where we have placed the other bed.  
I lean out and look at him. There was so much sadness in those green irises and the only thing I want is to take it all away. I reach out and touch his face: Eren moves, but doesn’t wake up. In his sleep he smiles, perhaps happy by the secret caress that I allowed myself to do. The sound of his breath relaxes me.  
I don’t realize I fell back to sleep.  
   
   
I wake up again.  
The morning light enters from the porthole and Eren is standing in front of the stove, making coffee like every morning. I remain silent and watch him, pretending to be still asleep: his face is tired, bags under his eyes and his forehead frowns. I wonder if he actually slept.  
I stop pretending and I sit up. His good morning arrives immediately.  
   
«Sleeped well?» He asks, handing me a cup of steaming black coffee.  
   
«Better than you, surely» I answer without thinking and I regret it immediately.  
   
Eren, however, doesn’t stop smiling: he is struggling to behave as usual, but I recognize when a smile is forced. His eyes don’t shine as they usually do.  
Why do I find it so unacceptable? I don’t know, but I have to do something.  
We go outdoors: the sun is hot, the wind is very strong and the hair immediately fly before our eyes, preventing us from seeing. Eren laughs, next to me: something amuses him in the fact not to be able to see shit, probably.  
   
«Stay here for a minute» I order.  
   
I return to the cabin and start looking in every drawer of the small bathroom until I find what I'm looking for. With two hairpin I block my raven bangs on top of the head, pulling them backwards.  
I look in the mirror: I feel ridiculous, but it should resist the wind, the necessary not to be annoying. Practicality, before aesthetics.  
I grab a handful of hairpins for Eren and go back to the bridge.  
I was prepared to see him laugh, even to hear him say something stupid. Instead he stays silent: he just looks at me with that pair of eyes that make the ocean fade and his cheeks blush.  
Do you like what you see, kid?  
Well, let’s play.  
   
«Come closer…»  
   
I barely have time to finish the sentence. Eren is already sitting in front of me and we look at each other: his eyes seem even bigger, seen from this angle and… Are his pupils dilated?  
I lift a corner of my lips in a smirk and begin to slowly pass my fingers through his hair,gathering the longest bangs, to move them away from his face.  
He closes his eyes and lets himself be touched. He trusts me surprisingly easy.  
I could complete the operation in a few seconds, but I take my time.  
I like his hair, I like the expression he has now that I am caressing it.  
I like Eren. It’s useless to deny it, at least to myself.  
I gather all the hairs of his disordered bangs between my fingers and pull them back until his face follows the movement. I stop like this and he opens his eyes. Those colors explode in front of me, inside me.  
   
He's close, so close.  
   
His lips tremble as he looks at me and for the first time I cannot explain what I read in his eyes. It isn’t a new spark. It fuses fear and desire. I've seen his eyes shine like this only while he’s looking at the sea.  
   
«Levi…» he whispers my name and the syllables sound sweet, pronounced by his soft and inviting lips.  
   
No. Don’t do it, don’t provoke me, kid. You have no idea what you’re risking.  
But his eyes keep calling me.  
He clenches his hands in fists and his legs open slightly. Before I knew it, I filled that space with my knee, resting it on the bench, between his thighs.  
   
He is _so_ close…  
   
For once, I’m looking at him from above.With my free hand, I take the remaining hairpinsout of my mouth. I lick my lips.  
Eren reacts with a moan of surprise, his body tends.  
Then he looks down.  
I went too far.  
With two rapid movements, I stop his bangs, finally freeing his sight and I move away. I leave him sitting there, while I raise the anchor and make sail.  
The August sun is warm, but I have goose bumps and the reason is the young temptation, still sitting a few meters from me.  
   
Close. But unreachable.

   
 

*** * * * ***

Why I can’t keep my hand to myself?  
Why did I have to act that way?  
I can’t think of anything else.  
I scared him, there is no other explanation for the fact that he avoided me like the plague for the rest of the day. And the worst part is that if he had not looked away, I would have definitely kissed him.  
Although he has backed off, I am absolutely sure I have read the signals well. I'm not a teenager. A couple of sweet eyes aren’t enough to ignite me like that: Eren was inviting me, calling. But for some reason, he eventually changed his mind. I respect his decision, it’s not this that annoys me. It’s not knowing why the idea that he has refused me, hurts me so much.  
I just want everything be like before.

*** * * * ***

It's a new day.  
On the threshold of the bathroom door, I look at him as I brush my teeth: he has borrowed the navigations’ books that are on board and now he passes every free moment reading them. He's working really hard.  
I try not to disturb him, as I open the door and get on the bridge, but not a minute later I find him next to me. He keeps on not talking to me, but he never leaves me alone.  
I take a deep breath of new and still cold air, greeting the sun. It’s a beautiful morning.  
Eren is already waiting for me next to the winch that raises the anchor. He’s leaning against the parapet, arms crossed behind his back: he knows he must not touch anything, that he should not stand in my way. I must say that both tasks have succeeded very well, during the last week just passed.  
I walk up to him with a little smirk on my lips.  
He looks at me when I stand in front of him and cross my arms behind my back.  
He’s confused.  
   
«Today, you’ll do it» I say, pointing to the anchor with a nod of my head.  
   
I enjoy the return of the ancient spark of excitement that comes to life in his eyes. He begins to repeat the gestures he has seen me do, but his movements are uncertain. With caution, I approach: I want to avoid upsetting him again, but he doesn’t seem to care, too busy in his new and so exciting task.  
I guide his hands, help him measure the strength so as not to damage himself or the anchor, while we raise it.  
Then comes the moment of the sails. These are more complicated, but Eren is not discouraged by anything. I give him the instructions and he executes them.  
I put in his hand the right ropes to pull,I show him the right knots: he drinks my words as if he needed them to survive, he absorbs them and makes them his own.  
He start asking me questions and I answer them all.  
The whole morning slips away in this serene moment. He smiles at me, his eyes shine, his voice rises every time he talks about something that excites him.  
Everything returns as before.

*** * * * ***

«Oh, look at this!»  
   
I hear him screaming from the cabin asI finish tying up the last ropes securing the sails. Eren pulled them down, but I decided to take care of the last details, so that he could go downstairs to rest for a while.  
   
«What can you have found to be so thrilled about?»I ask, going down the few steps that separate the bridge from the cabin.  
   
As soon as I entered, I have just enough time to hear him say «Catch it!» before something is thrown at me at a mad speed. I thank my reflexes, for preventing a heavy tin can to smash my nose.  
   
«Oops… Sorry»he murmurs, his tail between his legs.  
   
«So much noise just for a can?»  
   
«But don’t you see what’s written on the label?! Ah, forget it. Go wash yourself!»  
   
He snatchs the can from my  hands and grabs his apron. With a sigh, I enter the bathroom and lock myself inside. We have been living together for just over a week, but I recognize the signs of when Eren closes in his creative mode of culinary ecstasy.  
He doesn’t want me around, when he mixes various ingredients, the little that the pantry can offer him. I have no problem with respecting this little rule of his. I hate cooking, on the contrary he is really good. Why should I stop him?  
After a shower, I feel infinitely better. I look at myself in the mirror, pulling my hair back with one hand. The gesture reminds me of that moment, the moment when I almost succumbed to temptation. I pass my fingers over my eyes then I finish dressing. Through the door ajar comes the smell of the dinner that already makes my mouth water. What did you do, Eren?  
He greets me with a big smile when I reach him: he is putting a steaming pot on the table, holding it with both hands.  
   
«I hope you're hungry» he tells me.  
   
I sit down and wait diligently for him to serve me and give me the signal to start eating: another of his silly rules, which I have no difficulty in respecting. What stands before me is a giant and steaming bowl of vegetable soup, with croutons. Smell and consistency seem perfect.  
   
«Enjoy your meal!» he chirp, passing me a spoon.  
   
He looks away as I taste the first bite and I see him spy on me, hesitant. He’s never been so worried about my response on his cooking, before.After a few minutes, I decide that he has waited long enough.  
   
He is biting his lip.  
Cute.  
   
«I think it's the best thing you've evercooked.»  
   
Red explodes on Eren’s cheeks. He smiles and babbles thanks. He is no used to receiving such direct compliments from me. Neither am I.  
   
He brought a hand to tighten the pendant that always wears around his neck and that gesture awakens in me a feeling that until now I had kept segregated: I'm curious. I would like to know more about him.  
   
«Where did you learn to cook like this?»  
   
I keep my gaze low on the bowl while I speak to him. I don’t want to seem interested, even if I actually shiver for curiosity.  
   
«Oh, my mother taught me. She knew how to do a lot of these simple but special recipes…»  
   
«Was she a cook?»  
   
«No, a pirate» he answers without hesitation. «All the recipes were been stolen by famous cooks' ships, during hersea raids.»  
   
He looks at me completely satisfied and I can’t help smiling at him.  
   
«And that» I point to the key he holds in his hand «opens her treasure chest?»  
   
Eren looks down at the pendant, then slowly lifts it to show it to me.  
   
«Yes.»  
   
We finish eating in silence.  
   
After dinner, we wash the dishes together.  
We have taken this habit to put an end to the quarrels about who should do it: one washes and the other dries. Eren starts to sing with his mouth closed while he puts the clean dishes in their place and I stop to look at him in secret: sometimes I have the feeling of living with him for forever and not just for a few days.  
I wonder how the journey would have been if I hadn’t found him on the deck of my boat. What would I be doing right now? I had waited for this task with a bit of impatience, because it offered me the chance to be alone, without having to worry about anyone. I had thought my "holiday" was been ruined when Eren had entered my life.  
Instead everything is different from what I had imagined and I admit that I would not change anything.  
   
   
I am reading by lamplight when Eren comes out of the bathroom and puts his hand in front of his mouth, covering it in time before performing in a long yawn.  
   
«I can’t keep my eyes open!» he complains, rubbing them.  
   
«Go to sleep, the bed is yours tonight.»  
   
«Mhmm» is his only answes. A moan escaped from his lips while he falls on the mattress and closes his eyes. «Good night, Levi…»  
   
He falls asleep in record time, starting to snore slowly.  
I wait a few minutes, fighting the most difficult internal battle of my life, then I get up and approach him. He has long eyelashes, a face so young and delicate that I cannot help but look. His lips are open and rosy, a pleasant contrast with his dark skin and I find myself remembering the slight tremor that has shook them, when they were only a few centimeters from mine.  
   
How would it be to touch those lips? What flavor would they have had? I'm not so cowardly to find out while he sleeps.  
Once again he is so close, but unreachable.  
   
_It will happen if it has to_ , I find myself thinking and with a sigh I lie down too.


	7. I lost my mind for you

_[Eren]_  
   
Flashes and wind.  
A terrible storm hits all around me.I run into my room and lock the door but I can’t get it in time. A tornado made of water and air breaks through, sending me across the room.  
Every part of me hurt, I shiver with cold and fear. My eyes can’t get away from the vortex of elements that threatens everything I own and my lite itself. The faint echo of a thought makes its way into my mind: does it hit dad to get here? I have no way to find it out, unless i go out and verify in person, but it’is impossible right now.  
The wind lifts the objects in my room. I try to save at least some of them, but mercilessly he increases his strength. I fight, to hold in my hands the sextant that I managed to steal from his fury, but with a violent lash he manages to tear it away. I look at him breaking against the wall, going to pieces in front of my eyes.  
I feel anger mounting inside me, a blind fury. That object was important, though I can not remember why. His loss tortures me. I feel tears of wrath fill my eyes and perhaps caught by courage, perhaps madness - perhaps by both - I get up to face the whirlwind.  
Staring directly into the center of the vortex of water and dust, I see two dark, empty orbits returning my gaze. The more I watch them, the more they become clear and a face begins to appear.  
Fear squeezes my stomach and I fall back to collide with the window sill. I cling to the jamb.  
I am trapped, now: on the one hand the emptiness, on the other the creature that slowly comes to life, creating for itself a body of swirling water.  
I would like to turn around, scream for help from the window, but there is no way that my eyes turn away from those of the creature.  
   
«What do you want from me?! Go away, disappear! You've already brought enough destruction!»I shout, without a single syllable coming out of my frozen lips.  
   
The creature's arm appears from the whirlwind and tends towards me. I retreat of those few inches that I can still afford without falling from the window behind me. The air in the room is icy, unbreathable and my lungs are burning as if they are pierced by an infinite number of pins. Those swirling fingers are getting closer and I don’t even bother to get away anymore: I'll face whatever fate is going to happen to me.  
   
«Die!» I can finally scream.  
   
The creature doesn’t like my resistance.  
Its wind captures one of the fragments of the sextant, metallic and sharp; it throws it at me. I feel the flesh of my cheek tearing and blood dripping.  
My tears are now the only source of heat throughout the room, perhaps all over the world.  
   
«What do you want?!»I sob, trembling.  
   
The creature stops his approach,observes me as if it were the first time it sees me.  
Suddenly, with only a few inches to separate the tips of its fingers from my chest, the creature smiles at me, but there is no affection or sympathy in that grin. Its laugh is a sharp screech.  
The creature withdraws its arm slightly, takes aim on my chest.  
Everything is going to end and I close my eyes, waiting for a pain tha doesn’t arrive. Which will never come.  
My feet rise from the floor, while a warm gentle wind penetrates the window, enveloping me. His warmth heals my wound, warms my cheek and leads me to safety, far from freezing and terror, from that creature that screams its anger, confined within the walls of my room.  
And I turn my back to it, letting the wind take me to that point on the horizon where the sky and the sea become one.  
I don’t have fear anymore.  
   
   
I open my eyes, the sun has just risen and the darkness of the night is still the master of the atmosphere in our cabin.  
The gentle wind is gone, but the heat on my face is not. Still sleepy, I raise a hand to touch my cheek and my fingers brush those of a small and rough hand, gently resting on my face.  
Levi, my sleeping captain, is caressing my face. My heart explodes in my chest and all of a sudden I am completely awake.  
I pay close attention to move his hand, so as not to wake him up. I lay still a long time, trying to calm myself, wondering what that gesture meant: the arm could have fallen from the bed while he slept, ending up on me. Perhaps there was no hidden meaning, no secret message, no signal to grasp.  
When the sun rises completely, I get up and give him one last look.  
He will never know that his only touch has been able to transform my nightmare into a peaceful dream.  
   
   
I’m making the coffee when I hear him moving on the bed.  
I turn around and discover a sleepy face assaulted by unkemptraven hair and his beautiful icy eyes watching me.  
   
«Sleeped well?» I ask him, approaching him with a cup of coffee in my hands, for him.  
   
«Better than you, surely» he replies.  
   
Sincere and direct, just as I like it. I'm not offended, I know I look awful, after all. It’s not that pretending not to see the dark bags under my eyes can make them disappear into thin air.  
I shrug and go back to take care of my breakfast.None of us speaks any more, but I notice Levi looking at me sideways several times. I have to make an effort not to blush at the thought that he’s worried about me. Spreading a bit of jam on a toast, I promise myself to be as normal as possible for the rest of the day.  
   
   
Finished eating, we go out on the bridge. I breathe deeply, but the wind attacks me. It had never been so strong since the journey began and it catches me by surprise, snatching me a sincere smile and a laugh. I can’t imagine the state of my hair now:a moment before the wind pushes them before my eyes, preventing me from seeing anything, the next on I look like a saiyan.  
Not even Levi is doing so well and I'm almost tempted to tease him, taking a well-deserved revenge for all the times he made fun of my hairstyle, but he disappears before I have the time.  
   
«Stay here for a minute»His tone of voice definitely annoyed.  
   
He disappears in the cabin for a few minutes, during which I remain exactly where I am, enjoying the unusual feeling of heat and cold that the sun and wind can make me feel, at the same time. It must be one of the life on the sea’s magic.  
His steps behind me draw my attention and I turn on myself.  
My heartsuddenly accelerates and, traitor, I feel my face blush.  
Levi has blocked his hair with some small hairpins.In a rather inaccurate way. It has small strands of hair that protrude and that at any other time, on anyone else, I would have found decidedly ridiculous, but not on Levi. I don’t know how else to describe it: it's adorable and I feel like a complete idiot to find it so irresistibly tender -attractive- a man ten years older than me, just because he has pulled his hair back.  
My hesitation doesn’t go unnoticed and I'm sure to see something change in his look and tone of voice, when he asks me to come closer.  
My body moves before my thought and I find myself sitting in front of him, on one of the small storage benches near the entrance to the cabin.  
His fingers slip between my hair and start playing with it. Every second, every caress make it more difficult to keep breathing normally. He provokes me and there is no doubt about this. I narrow my eyes, when I feel him pull my hair and bend my head backwards, accompanying the movement. When I open them again, the storm in his eyes overwhelms me mercilessly, showing me a certain destiny, a death of which I would die a hundred and hundred times.  
He is so close that I can feel his breath on my trembling lips. I can’t stop them, I can’t stop muself from showing this little sign of weakness. His eyes, his body his whole being seem to call me.  
   
«Levi…» I whisper in answer.  
   
He tightens his lips and gets closer. I clench my fists, the only solution I find to prevent me from putting them under his shirt, in his hair and luring him to me. My thoughts are lost for a moment and I can see the whole scene, just as my desire shows it to me: his face, red and panting, no distance between us, my teeth clenched first on his lips, then on the neck and his fingers that pull my hair, in a vain attempt to regain a control that I'm not going to give him.  
I feel something slip between my thighs and only then I realize I have opened my legs, leaving open a possibility that he has not hesitated to grasp.  
   
 _Is it really happening?_  
   
A quick gesture and his fingers pull from his lips the hairpins he had brought for me.  
I have free reign, now.  
I watch his lips open in slow motion and his pink and wet tongue slowly licks them, making them a thousand times more inviting. My body tends, a moan escapes from my mouth and my mind explodes imagining the sound that his moans, his screams would have,if only I stretched my hands up to touch him.  
The idea of what I would like to make him frighten me: do I really want this for us?  
Am I willing to turn into simple sex and desire this something that I have feel growing inside me, from the first moment in which I had looked at him?  
The answer is easy: no.  
I look down and this gesture is enough to stop anything. Levi blocks my hair on my head and walks away, returning to his duties.  
I remain to look at him on the sidelines, sitting on the bench.  
I don’t have the strength to move.  
   
 *** * * * ***  
   
My heart quivers at every smile. His voice is like music, his smell sweet scent. I loved everything about him from the first moment, every habit and whim that allowed me to know, from his obsession with cleaning, to the way he likes to make the bed, his favorite cup and the change that his voice makes, becoming excited and professional together when he talks about something about navigation. I'm just over twenty years old, for him I'm nothing but a kid, but I'm sure I've never experienced anything like this with anyone else.  
   
Maybe I’m in love?  
   
I do my best to keep myself out of his way for the rest of the day.  
My own revelation shocked me and now I can not decide how I want to behave with him. Should I tell him that?  
 _Hey, I know you've known me for only two weeks, but I've lost my mind for you._  
I'm sure I would get a punch.  
   
   
 *** * * * ***  
   
I flip through the pages quickly, looking first at all the figures, comparing them with what I could see live these days. Rearranging the cabin I discovered some books on navigation and Levi allowed me to take them - as if I could take them who knows where- and read them during the long days when I have nothing to occupy the hours. I am learning from them all that Levi hasn’t told me yet, and I hope to be able to surprise him, sooner or later, by answering a question in advance or by making some observations that he doesn’t expect.  
I want to see his eyes fill with pride, for the progress I am making under his lead.  
It is difficult, however, to imagine a similar situation, when we barely speak to each other. None of us seems to be able to behave in a normal way and I can not understand what's on his mind.  
When I see him come out on the bridge, I close the book and follow him, without saying a word.  
I reach my place, next to the parapet, from which I can clearly see his every move without hindering his movements.  
Levi walks slowly, his arms crossed behind his back and his eyes fixed on mine. I know something is about to happen even before he opens his mouth: his eyes tell me.  
   
«Today, you’ll do it.»  
   
At those words a great fire immediately breaks out in my chest and extends quickly to the rest of the body. I don’t waste time, I don’t risk him re-thinking about it.I throw myself into the task and I entrust my movements to the memory of the gestures.  
Levi comes to my aid after a few minutes, directing my actions and giving me calm advice and corrections.  
From that moment, making him speak becomes much simpler and the more he follows my river of questions, the more this becomes disruptive.The whole morning is a long lesson without interruption. That something, whatever it was, that had obscured our relationship from the previous day, dissolves like the foam of the waves.  
   
 *** * * * ***  
   
I love cooking for Levi, because he never complains about anything. And I know for sure that his appreciation isn’t simple courtesy, because he is always sincere and would never try to swallow something that disgusts him.  
So when I put the soup bowl in front of him and I see him inhaling deeply his scent, I can not help but smile. I always helped my mother cook it when I was a child. It was my favorite and when I ate it, it only meant one thing: the next day we would go to sea together. This is an important recipe for me and now the idea of sharing it with the captain makes it even more special.  
   
«Where did you learn to cook like this?» he asks me as he eats, in a vague tone as if the answer didn’t interest him so much.  
   
I give him another piece of my life answering that question and I know he will treasure it. With him I can open myself, feeling understood and supported even when his answers are abrupt or unpleasant.  
It seems to me almost to know him for centuries.  
   
 *** * * * ***  
   
Last night I didn’t rest well and now all the tiredness, accumulated by two intense days, is overwhelming me. I'm exhausted.  
I pass my fingers through my hair, looking at myself in the bathroom mirror: closing my eyes, I imagine that it’s his fingers that are making that gesture. I can’t help smiling.  
I have decided that I will confess to him when we come back to dry land, during the last day we can be alone.  
What will happen next will have to be decided by him, but at least it will be much easier to face the prospect of disappearing, if he will want me out of his life, when I can put more than ten meters from me and him. In my memories,this could become only a brief romantic parenthesis worthy of the worst romance novels of unrequited love.  
What a pity.  
I get out of the bathroom, stretching and yawning.  
   
«I can’t keep my eyes open!» I say,sure that informing him of my status has any significance for him.  
   
Levi doesn’t even look up from the book he’s reading.  
   
«Go to sleep, the bed is yours tonight»he tells me, unnecessarily since I've already crashed on the mattress with very little elegance.  
   
«Goodnight Levi…» I murmur, looking at him.  
   
At those thin fingers flipping through the pages. At the way he holds his lips while he reads, concentrated. At the hair that shads his face, at the black tea thermos perpetually at hand, at the open shirt that shows off a good part of his chest, as if trying to test my resistance.  
Which, for the record, is definitely low.  
Sleep catches me slowly and every thought on Levi turns into a dream.  
I finally sleep soundly.  
   
 *** * * * ***  
   
«Why are you already awake?»  
   
«I had things to do.»  
   
«Are they so urgent that you don’t even have coffee?»  
   
«I won’t die for this, don’t worry.»  
   
«I'm not worried! It's just that… it seems strange to me, that's all.»  
   
I blush. I don’t want to tell him that I thought I was used to him and his habits to the point where I could foresee them, ah they are a certainty for me. Instead, this morning for the first time, I woke up alone.  
Failing to find him in the cabin or in the bathroom, I come up the bridge just to see him standing next to the helm, with a map in his hands and receive an amused smirk.  
   
«Why did you run out of the cabin in your pajamas?» he replies, doing nothing to hide his satisfied expression.  
   
He knows he has embarrassed me and he is enjoying it. Bastard.  
   
I blush and opt for the silent retreat. I make a quick turnabout, heading for the cabin, but Levi calls me aloud and my body moves before the thought. I can’t help turning around and looking at him.  
   
«Here I have finished. Let's go have breakfast together.»  
   
It is his offer of peace and I smile: I am more than happy to welcome it.


	8. Diving in past and sea

_[ Levi ]_  
   
It is early afternoon when I throw the anchor and direct the sails, so that they don’t capture the wind. The ocean under the boat is of an intense and beautiful blue, the color of darkness, of nothingness. A void so deep that only water could fill.  
Think of being suspended thousands of meters is still an impressive sensation, even after many years of experience and navigation.  
I got up early this morning, just to be able to calculate the best route that would take us here. I have chose this place for a very specific reason: it is the closest area I could reach on a day of travel where the sea is so deep it seems endless.  
I go below deck and I find Eren right there where I left him.  
He is sitting on the bed, cross-legged, with a book open on his knees and a rope in his hands. It’s from this morning that he practices to make the knots. I observe him a few minutes, secretly: he has really improved a lot. Now there isn’t much left to teach him. The only things he needs is a lot of practice and training.  
   
«Ohi Eren.»  
«Mh?»He looks up and its colors overwhelm me once again. «What's up?»  
   
«Follow me.»  
   
I'm not going to give him any explanation, but he does not need it. He immediately closes the book and follows me. His steps are fast, I feel them behind me. I approached the parapet of the starboard and start to fumble with a small rope ladder, while Eren leans over to look down.  
   
«Wow! How dark the sea is here!» he exclaims, removing his hair from his eyes. «It seems very dee-… L-Levi? What are you doing?»  
   
I don’t stop unbuttoning my shirt and I drop it on the deck, remaining shirtless. His eyes analyze every inch of my skin, from the shoulders, to the pectorals and go down, more and more down, perhaps without realizing it. His expression is priceless when I cross his gaze and order:  
   
«Get undressed.»  
   
I try to stay serious, while his face turns redder than the life preserver. He doesn’t move, hesitates and I understand that he needs a further encouragement.  
   
«Didn’t you hear me?»I ask, taking off my pants. «Or you're too busy watching.»  
   
Just a few moments and his undershirt falls to the ground, next to mine. He hasn’t asked me a question yet, but I think he has decided to challenge me in some way, because as he loosens the knot of his sweatpants, he looks me directly in the eyes.  
I don’t know what’s going on in his head or why he’s doing it, but whatever it is, it works dam well because I feel goose bumps along my arms. Those green of his eyes are burning me.  
It doesn’t matter, I don’t let anything affect my expression.  
When we both remain in boxers, with a kick I drop the rope ladder down the parapet, along the side of the boat.  
   
«Can you swim, Eren?» I ask, speaking slowly, approaching him.  
   
«Y-Yeah»he stutters, but doesn’t move back.  
   
His hesitant answer makes me grin. Perfect.  
My hands touch his wrists and trace along the arms, while I mix business and pleasure, enjoying for a few seconds the tanned muscles of his body.  
   
«Have you ever swam on the high seas?»  
   
«Wh-?!»  
   
Before he finishes speaking, I push him and drop him into the water. It’s not a great height and I have already thrown the life preserver, but I keep an eye on it anyway, ready to intervene, until I see it re-emerge.  
He immediately putshis hands over his hair, pulling them backwards while spitting and coughing the sea water that he surely haw drunk.  
With all the calm, I climb down the ladder. Arrived at the bottom, with particular attention, I reach fot the red life preserver and I sit on that, as if it were a small floating armchair:my height has some value, after all. The water that hits my legs is frozen and I have no interest in immerging myself completely for now.  
   
«L-Levi!»  
   
With a couple of strokes, Eren joins me.He clings with his hands to the life preserver, brushing my thighs, trembling just as his body tries to get used to the water temperature. His eyes are full of confusion and questions he doesn’t know in what order to ask.  
   
«What's happening?» He asks.  
   
«Nothing.»  
   
«What do you mean “Nothing” ?!What are we doing in the water? And why did you throw me downstairs?!»  
   
Apparently, he found the right order.  
   
«You know Eren, learning knots and nomenclature is not enough to be a real sailor…»  
   
I have just started talking, but his gaze has already completely changed. He is aware and curious. He doesn’t lose a word of what I say to him and leans out towards me, as if those few centimeters changed something in his capacity for understanding.  
   
«Being able to orient yourself, to sail, is a beautiful thing, but living the ocean is a completely different experience.Let him enter into you, enter you in him. I can’t teach you this, nobody can. It's something between him» I raise one of hand «and him» I complete,pressing it on his chest, at the height of the heart.  
   
I hear it beat very hard under the palm, against the fingers. Slowly I slip into the water, his eyes never leave mine. He instinctively extends his hand towards me, while with the other he holds on to the life preserver. Slowly, the current of the sea brings us closer. Our legs touch each other as if they are caressing.  
   
«I don’t know if I can…» he murmurs and I understand that he is struggling to keep himself from looking down.  
   
«You can.»  
   
The hand I held on his chest moves, slides on his skin, wet with salt, on the shoulder and along the arm.  
Our fingers meet in the most natural of ways, intertwining docile and perfect. I invite him to leave his gripon the life preserver, to float freely, leaving me the task of holding him by my side. Eren closes his eyes and lies down on the water; he opens his arms and legs and I hear him sigh, listening to the sea with his face almost completely immersed in the water. His breath takes the rhythm of the waves, the smile disappears and his expression completely relaxes, while he listens to the whispers.  
This is his communion with the sea and I am a silent witness.  
   
 

*** * * * ***

  
When Eren comes out of the bathroom, clean and without salt in his hair, I look up from my book and I see him smile in that contagious way, which it is impossible not to answer. He approaches the bed, on which I lie down and I move my legs to make room for him.  
   
«Thanks…» he murmurs, sitting on a corner of the mattress. He is playing, tormenting I would dare to say, the small key hanging on his neck, turning it between his fingers, rubbing it with his thumb «It was a long time since I swam in the open sea, I had really missed…»  
   
I frown and close the book.  
   
«I thought you never did it.»  
   
«You didn’t give me time to answer, first, but I would have told you that once I used to swam in the open sea. With my mother.»  
   
I immediately become attentive and I sit down: the book doesn’t interest me anymore and I puy it on the ground, out of the way.  
   
«You have so many good memories of her, aren’t you?»  
   
He nods slowly, taking his lower lip between his teeth: it’s clear that he wants to talk, but at the same time something stops him. Maybe he doesn’t feel ready to share such an important part of his past. He might never be. After all, who am I for him if not a simple acquaintance. Or maybe he’s still afraid of bothering me, somehow?  
   
«Do you want to talk to me about her?» I invite him, hoping it can help.  
   
His eyes light up and I understand I've made the right move.  
   
«My mother was fantastic!» he begins, hugging his knees. "She always smiled, she was always happy. She cooked some very good things and even though she worked a lot and sometimes stayed away for many days, at home she always found the time to play with me or to get me out, just the two of us, with her boat, “Hope”.»  
   
«Did she train you for a pirate life?» I ask, without stopping to look at him.  
   
«Absolutely. We made a thousand raids, in those years!» he closes his eyes, smiling at memories. «I also had the hat, with the skull and crossbones, you know. I never went out without it.»  
   
«I’ll bet» I comment and he shows me his tongue in a grimace.  
   
«I remember little of her, but they're all beautiful things… I was nine when she disappeared.»  
   
I hesitate for a moment before asking him: «What happened?»  
   
«A storm in the open sea. She was working on a ship, I don’t… I don’t even remember what her role was, she always told me she was a pirate, and even though I knew I couldn’t be true, I never felt the need to ask. I liked to think so… After that night, it lost all importance» he clenches his fists and I realize that he has the key of the necklace tightened in one of them. His fingers are becoming white by too much pressure. «They never found her… They didn’t find the body of any of the crew members.»  
   
I hold my breath for a few seconds. My expression doesn’t change, but the heart accelerates in an annoyingly painful way.  
What he is telling me is not an easy thing. I've also had losses during my life and I fully understand how much pain he may have felt. Right now Eren is like a fire, burning in the memories of that night and I would like to touch it to be able to console him, even aware that I will be burned.  
   
«I'm sorry, Eren.» It’s the only thing I can tell him, sincere and direct.  
   
«It happened 14 years ago, but I still miss her like it happened yesterday. She always brought me to swim on the high seas, to fish.»  
   
I cannot stand the way his voice crackles as he talks.  
   
«She promised to teach me how to lead a boat, when I turned ten…»  
   
These words hit me in the stomach like a brick: the baton of that promise has now passed to me.  
Until that moment I had no idea, I could never have imagined it: his tenacity in testing, the constant attention to everything I say, the curiosity that I read in his eyes at each new event, his look when he is in front of the open sea. He thinks of her in each of those moments, at their promise that fate has prevented it from happening and that now he is reliving through me.  
Now I read everything in a different light. Eren brought me into his life much more than I could imagine.  
He stopped talking, his eyes downcast and lost in something that I can’t understand.  
   
«Then it is from her that you have inherited your love for the sea» I murmur, just to break the silence.  
   
He nods.  
   
«It was something only ours. My father has never had any interest. He never accompanied us, never asked or wanted to know anything… When she disappeared, he forbade me to approach the sea or the boats, he refused to sign me up in any activity or sportthat had anything to do with the sea.»  
   
His mood has changed: anger and frustration now ignite his voice.  
   
«He wants me to follow in his footsteps, not those of my mother. He wants to lock me up in an office writing medical prescriptions, between bottles of medicines and stethoscopes. I've never wanted anything like that ... And I've never found a way to make him understand what my real dream is.»  
   
I breathe deeply. I want to put an end to this destructive circle in which he has slipped. His life may not be perfect on dry land, but nothing that happens there must involve his new life here. It's a temporary solution, of course, but for Eren it's the realization of the dream of a lifetime.  
I reach out a hand and cautiously brush over his hair, hoping he will not refuse me. He doesn’t and my caresses become more decisive.  
   
«You want to sail, don’t you?»  
   
He meets my gaze and nods: I feel a slight smile forming on my lips, before I can do anything to hold it back. The hand I hold in his hair slides down his face and wipes a tear from the corner of his eyes.  
   
«I'm nobody to judge your father's behavior and I think I understand his fear of the sea, after a story like yours…» Eren sighs, but I continue. «But I think what you should follow is your heart.»  
   
«I can’t go to sea without knowing anything about how to lead a boat, without ever having learned anything from anyone.»  
   
Hey, I could almost feel offended.  
   
«You are already learning, Eren and very quickly. You are good at this.»  
   
«But my father…»  
   
«Your father has lived his life, you must be able to live yours.»  
   
Eren instinctively lowers his gaze on the key around his neck: for a few seconds he remains silent and I can see the torment of his thoughts, while he reflects on everything we have said today and in recent weeks, on everything he has ever wanted and never obtained.  
   
«She would like me to do it…» he says.  
   
It’s not a question, but I still feel the need to answer him.  
   
"If she is only one-tenth of the wonderful person you described, I'm sure she would just like to see you happy.»  
   
His eyes become shiny again. He tighten them, starting to tremble: he is trying not to cry in front of me, but I have no desire to see him hold himself.  
Not if it can help him get better.  
I want to help him get better.  
   
I lift myself, pointing my knees in the mattress and surround his shoulders with my arms. Timidly, he leansagainst me and my grip becomes stronger.  
   
«You don’t need to resist, Eren. Here you can be whatever you want, do whatever you feel. Cry, if you need it» I murmur in a calm voice, a spontaneous tenderness that is not familiar to me, but which I feel damn right and natural.  
   
His shoulders are shaking with sobs as he hides his face against my shoulder. He lets himself go, but he hides, not allowing me to see him. I have no desire to force him.  
I stroke his hair and I know that the Eren I've known so far is disappearing with those tears.  
The boy I met two weeks ago, shy and sarcastic, is coming out of the cold chrysalis that had been built around himself all these years.  
   
I know that when he stops crying, I'll have a completely different person in front of me and the man he will become, will be the son of the ocean.  
I don’t know how long I hold him in my arms, but slowly we change position, always finding new, more comfortable. Eventually I find myself lying on the bed next to him. His sobs become more sporadic and mild, his breathing is calm and becomes regular. I don’t stop caressing his hair until I feel sleep overwhelm me.  
   
That is the first night we spend asleep in each other's arms.

 


	9. A place to call home

_[ Eren ]_  
   
What is this feeling?Why do I feel my eyes burn and my throat is dry? There’s a slight weight on my chest and a familiar scent fills my lungs with every breath.  
I don’t want to open my eyes, I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want this feeling to end. I hadn’t felt this calm for so long. My body rises and falls, at the rate of a breath that’s not mine and I slowly start to get more and more conscious. Inevitably, I open my eyes and reality finally snatches me from my world of dreams and calm.  
No.  
It can’t be true.  
Panic.  
How is it, exactly, that I ended up sleeping with my head resting on Levi's chest? Our legs are tight and intertwined, one of his hands has fingers tucked between my hair. His breathing is regular, he is still asleep. I don’t know what to do. If I wake him up and he finds me in bed with him, would he be angry?  
Could he be, after all that happened yesterday?  
   
It had been years since I spoke of my mother so directly. I had always rejected all the psychologists I had met. What should I had do with them, tell them how sad I was? Because I wasn’t sad, I was angry. Damn angry, and none of them could have any idea how my world had been destroyed, with my mother disappearing.  
Because she was my world. She represented everything I wanted to become, everything I dreamed of.  
And what we had loved together had taken her away from me.  
Yet for some reason I hadn’t stopped loving the sea. I couldn’t explain it and I ended up hating myself, because I wasn’t able to feel disdain for my mother's killer. Love and hate something at the same time… It tears your soul apart. What the reason imposes on you, the heart fights. And you feel pulled into a war that doesn’t belong to you.  
Although there were countless times when my father was screaming, saying that the ocean was too dangerous for me, that he would keep me on the ground at the cost of his life, I knew he would never succeed, because I was a pirate and no pirate he lives on land, enough to get used to it.  
Levi, how did you make me talk about something so big and difficult? How could you, in a few sentences, dissipate the weight that had grown in my chest for 14 years?  
You did not sew the wound in my heart, that nobody will ever do it, but you've allowed it to stop bleeding.  
I had never cried like that in front of anyone, not even my father, not even Armin. But Levi is different. It has been since the first moment and with him shame and pride seem foolish.  
   
I look at him for a few minutes, without moving. His face is relaxed, his lips parted as he breathes slowly. He is beautiful, there's no other word to describe it.The desire to raise a hand and follow with a finger the outline of that mouth or the profile of the face is irresistible. The longest strands of hairtouch his cheekbones and I would just like to be able to caress and settle them, but the fear of waking him up is too strong.  
I lift myself slowly, move my arms and stand still while he moves in his sleep, in his new position. He seems so fragile and serene when he sleeps: he wouldn’t seem able to land you with a single punch or so serious and professional when it comes to teaching. Levi hides a sweet side, which I'm sure I could see in all its luminous and hidden beauty, yesterday.  
Yes, because I was able to recognize the tenderness of his gaze, between the desire to jump on him that he made me feel every time we crossed eyes.  
I suddenly blush at the thought of when in the water we were close at the point that I could feel his chest on mine, his legs brush against me. We were suspended on nothing, but his eyes were infinite.  
I want to kiss him and I don’t know how long I will be able to resist. Too many were the provocations and the looks that we exchanged in these last days. I've always been an instinctive person, I act before thinking, but when I'm in front of Levi, it's as if I forgot even how to breathe.  
I sneak out of bed, I wash myself and decide to make this the most beautiful day ever.  
It's officially two weeks that I'm on board now. The fifteen best days of my life, I dare say. We must celebrate.  
I put the coffee maker to heat and prepare everything sweet I can find on the small table: Levi never has breakfast, so it's pretty much for me. I could never eat everything, but the table full of things gives me joy.  
   
Then I go to open the door of the cabin, to let in the clean morning air, the smell of sea and sun.  
When I turn around, Levi is sitting on the bed, rubbing his eyes and stretching.  
   
«Good morning!»I greet him with a smile that he doesn’t return.  
   
«Morning, kid» he says instead, between yawns.  
   
I see him stretch his arm over which until a few minutes before I had slept. Surely it is aching. I wonder if Levi realized how we slept tonight…  
The thought alone makes me blush and I turn around, to prevent him from noticing, while I pour coffee into our cups. I learned what’s his favorite and for him now I always use the same cup.  
I feel his eyes on me all the time, but none of us speak.  
My heart doesn’t want to slow down.  
   
When we go out on the bridge, Levi immediately puts his hands in his pockets and looks at me. It’s not necessary for him to tell me what he wants from me.  
I lift the anchor, as he taught me, then I start with the sails.  
It takes me more time than it would take him, but he never intervenes, letting me try, make mistakes and correct myself.  
He looks at me, standing behind the helm, while the wind moves his hair, the sun kisses his skin.  
I want to be the sun.  
   
   
My hands hurt when I finishmaking the last knot and I am aware of having spent more than twice the time it takes him, but I can not help but smile when Levi looks at me and raises his hand, showing me his thumb up.  
_Good job, kid_ , I know he’s thinking this and my heart beats fastly.  
I join him and sit down next to the helm, next to him who has his gaze lost on the horizon. In the sky there are many clouds, the wind blows fast at altitude because they change shape continuously. I lie down on the ground and decide to play looking for the shapes.  
   
«Do you want to play with me?» I ask, touching his leg to get his attention.  
   
Levi looks at me from top to bottom, with the same expression that you would turn to a puppy that has started to gnaw on your shoes. The time has passed when his crooked eyes held me back.  
   
«Play?»  
   
«To look for shapes, in the clouds!»  
   
I hit the floor next to me with my hand and to my surprise, Levi reaches me. We lie next to each other and watch the clouds flow over us. I begin to show him those with the most extravagant forms: some appear to be animals, other objects. We see a dragon, a duck with two heads, a castle with many towers and even the symbol of a pirate flag.  
Actually I see all these things: Levi snorts continuously, saying he sees only clouds and nothing more.My every effort to make a creative vein blossom in him fails miserably, but I find adorable his grumpy expression when he can’t see in the sky what I indicate.  
   
«Maybe you just have to practice» I tell him at the and, trying somehow to console him.  
   
«It's not the first time they make me do this bullshit clouds game. With me it simply doesn’t work.»  
   
I lift myself up on one elbow and turn to look at him, lips slightly pouting and frowning. He notices it.  
   
«I like the stars» he adds immediately and my expression relaxes. «The constellations, actually. I like looking for them and sometimes creating new ones.»  
   
«Create constellations? But it's infinitely more difficult than finding shapes in the clouds!»  
   
«No not at all.»  
   
«Yes it is!»  
   
«No.»  
   
«Yup!»  
   
We could continue forever, but Levi stretches out and took my nose between index and thumb, pulling slightly.  
   
«I’m not following you in these crazy children’s quarrels, Eren» he tells me, then he lets me go.  
   
«Then let me try» I murmur, rubbing the tip of my nose. «Tonight, let’s create a constellation together.»  
   
Levi sits up. He doesn’t say anything. He just looks at me from above and I don’t know how to behave with the shivers down my back that he provokes me.  
I clench my hands in a fist, to avoid the temptation to grab his shirt and pull him over me.  
Even his fists are closed.  
We remain silent, looking at each other for almost a minute, but I would be able to continue forever.  
   
«Tonight» he answers, finally.  
   
He gets up and ruffles my hair with his hand. I close my eyes and smile.  
I trust his promises.  
 

*********

   
I'm standing behind him, my arms full of things and I watch him as he drops a small lifeboat from the boat, making it rest on the quiet and black water of the night.  
   
«Tell me again why we can’t do it from the bridge…»  
   
«Because I am the captain and I decide where to go and see the stars» is the quick answer, while he tightens the ropes that will hold the boat towing the sailboat.  
   
«How nice.»  
   
«I want to be able to look at the sky without any parts of the boat hindering us. Does it scare you, get down near the water?»  
   
«Absolutely not!»  
   
«Then stop complain, brat.»  
   
He lays lots of blankets in the boat, one above the other, creating a soft layer to sit on. As soon as he finishes, I begin to fill the boat with the objects we have considered indispensable for our hunt for stars: a lamp with adjustable intensity light, a book about constellations, a thermos full of hot tea and another blanket, because in the open sea the night gets colder.  
Levi sits with his back to the boat, settling in the most comfortable way he can, but I lose myself looking at the horizon. The sun has set completely, we are alone in the darkness. Sky and sea are one and I can’t help feeling fear, looking at how infinitely exterminated the horizon is.  
I feel like I'm suspending on nothing, black and cold emptiness.  
   
«Eren.»  
   
His voice call me.  
Levi invites me to sit next to him, the light of our lamp illuminates him and immediately warms my heart in my chest.  
I'm not alone and for a second I forgot it.  
As soon as I got settled, he opened the book on his own legs and I get close to look.  
   
«Assuming you know where the polar star is…»  
   
«What do you take me for?! Of course I know where it is!»I interrupt him, putting on the most offended expression I can create. It’s not enough, since his reaction is a slight smile.  
   
«So, since you know, let's take it as a reference and look for the constellations around it.»  
   
We lower the light to a minimum and our eyes turn to the sky.  
First we find the Ursa major. It’s not difficult, because since childhood it has always been the first constellation I was looking for with Armin, but I never liked its name. I always thought it looked more like a spoon with a long handle rather than a bear. Where the heck astronomers had seen a bear? Only they know.  
I decide to tell Levi and his expression is priceless.  
   
«A spoon?»  
   
«Sure, look! That's the handle and there the concave part, see?»I say, approaching him and drawing the stars with his finger in front of his face.  
   
Levi follows my movement in silence and only when I look at him and our eyes meet, he turns to the other side, covering his face with his hand, his shoulders shaken by slight tremors.  
   
«L-Levi?»  
   
«Oh Christ, you are… really… I have no words…» he interrupts me.  
   
Only then I realize that he is trying not to laugh. All my worry turns into disappointment.  
   
«Oh well, so let's hear what Mr. Astronomer has to say!» I mutter, crossing my arms and turning away.  
   
«Don’t be offended, kid. It's just that I've never heard anyone compare the most famous constellation ever with a spoon» he murmurs, touching my shoulder.  
   
He still laughs, but turning to him I find myself thinking that I would like to see this expression more often. I forgive him.  
We start looking at the stars again. Now it is he who tells me the stars and constellations that I ask him, reading them from the open book. Lynx, Giraffe, Hunting Dogs, Lion, Dragon. For each Levi has something to tell me that the book doesn’t say: an explanation of their origin, a curiosity, the name of one of the stars that compose it.  
He tells me about the Dragon, killed by Hercules while he was protecting a garden and later placed in heaven by the gods, so that his sacrifice would be remembered forever.  
He tells me about the Lion, also killed by Hercules during one of his labors, whose fur was so strong that no weapon was able to hurt him.  
At my request, after many crooked looks with which I told him to stop laughing, he also told me about Ursa major and the Ursa minor, which according to mythology were mother and son turned into animals by the gods and placed in the sky to stay together forever.  
My thoughts immediately fly to my mother and when I discover Levi to look at me in secret, I am sure that he is thinking about it too. I have always spoken with the key I wear around my neck, referring to that when I needed to feel close to her, but now, after this story, I am sure I won’t be able to look at the starry sky without thinking of her.  
Levi clears his throat.  
   
«Create one» he says, closing the book and my attetion comes back to him.  
   
«What? So suddenly?!»  
   
«What else do you need?» he grabs my hand and lift it to the sky. «Draw a figure, whatever the lights inspire you. There are no wrong answers.»  
   
I nod and I look at the sky. We remain silent for several minutes, while we look at the firmament, letting the stars reflect in our eyes and the imagination lights up.  
   
«Okay, I think I found one.»  
   
«Show me» he has a note of curiosity in his voice that I rarely has heard, perhaps never.  
   
«It's up there, just under the Ursa minor. A little 'bent to the left, there’s a kind of giant teapot.»  
   
Silence. I look down and Levi is watching me, with an indecipherable expression. Well, at least he's not laughing.  
   
«What's up?»  
   
«What problems do you have with the constellations?»  
   
«You said there were no wrong answers!»  
   
«A teapot, Eren?»  
   
«What's yours, then? Since you are so much better than me to judge me, you will have found at least twenty!»  
   
Levi snorts, narrowing his eyes, but does not seem really angry. He gets up and slowly moves, swinging the boat. He sits behind me: his knees brush against my hips and his arms surround my shoulders, while he points his finger towards the sky and aligns himself with me, so that I can easily see what he sees and indicates. His breath burns my skin and I slowly lose my ability to think. I lean my back to his chest and he greets me without hesitation.  
   
«Look in the sky. Those stars, just below the constellation of the Dragon, look like a big pair of wings and the stars that shine more are the tips of the feathers that form them.»  
   
He draws them slowly and I follow him carefully. Where his finger points, imaginary lines appear to connect the bright dots and the image of a pair of shining wings appears clear before my eyes.  
   
«Wow…» I lift a hand in turn to draw in the sky and imprint them in my mind. «How do you want to call it?»  
   
«Wings?»  
   
«You should give it a special name, something that reflects it better. They are so… big and beautiful, in the sky, so free and bright.»  
   
«Wings of freedom?»  
   
I nod, continuing to look at the sky, while a smile forms on my lips. «It seems perfect.»  
   
The air has become colder, but I hardly notice it because the heat of Levi's body against mine is enough for me. Evidently not for him, because he moves to take the blanket. A sigh escapes my mouth, when I lose his touch: I like the feeling of being able to stand next to him and I treasure every moment that is granted to me. Too bad they always end up too fast.  
   
«Here, kid. If you get sick, I’ll throw you overboard.»  
   
My eyes widen, incredulous, but I don’t let him wait.  
Levi gently wraps the blanket around my shoulders and holds the other half for himself. The proximity between us is now impossible to avoid and I relax in that warmth. The clean scent of his skin, which burns every time he touches a part of my body, his breathing that slowly gives rhythm to mine, the deep vibrations of his voice as he speaks, describing the wonders that his stormy eyes can find in the firmament.  
   
«I want to create a constellation with you…» I murmur without thinking.  
   
He stops talking and I turn around to look at him: his face is a few centimeters from mine and my heart beats so fast it hurts. It’s physically impossible that he didn’t notice it.  
It's impossible that he didn’t realize how the stars are my last thought right now.  
His hand finds mine, in a slow and almost painful way, fingers touch each other and I fight against the temptation to interwine them together.  
   
«Look at the sky and tell me what you see»  
   
His voice is light and delicate.  
   
I look up.  
    
« I see the ocean. The stars draw the waves, make them shine like many bright fish…»  
   
«…And there, there’s a small sailship that explores the water without showing any fear» he adds in a whisper.  
   
«His will be an endless journey, because the sky has no limits and _she_ wants to explore them, free, as long as she has life…»  
   
«Not bad…» From the tone of his voice, I understand that he can see what I see and my heart heats up with an emotion I had never felt before «How do you want to call her?»  
   
«Hope.»  
   
His hand squeezes mine and our foreheads touched. He's smiling, I'm sure, but not because I see his lips.It is his eyes that smile, shine, like I’ve never seen before. For the first time I understand what’s the meaning behind all the love songs. I don’t know if what I feel is as deep and pure as those verses, but it’s something I want to live, an inalienable need. I close my eyes, open my lips, hold my breath.  
I've decided now.  
   
«Eren.»  
   
No, please, don’t stop now.  
   
«Eren, look at the water.»  
   
I open my eyes on the black sea, but what I see is not darkness.  
Blue lights.  
Blue and bright lights surround our lifeboat and sailboat, breaking against the hull in small waves.  
   
«What is it?» I ask, widening my eyes in surprise.  
   
I lean forward and my movement creates new waves and new lights, which surround all the water around us.  
   
«Plankton. We must have ended up in the middle, looking at the sky.»  
   
His explanation doesn’t help much, since I always thought that plankton was a species of small fish and I certainly didn’t expect it could shine like this. At this moment the marine biology lessons don’t interest me.  
   
«Can I touch?» I ask for security and he nods.  
   
My right hand is still in his, so I touch the water with the fingers of the left: in those points, hundreds of small lights come on, making my hand shine, without leaving any imprint. The lights multiply rapidly and soon all around us the water shines as if it were under a spell.  
   
«It's as if the stars had fallen into the ocean and we were navigating through space…»I murmur, unable to look away. «I had no idea things like that existed…»  
   
«It's the first time for me too…»  
   
«I wish I could see the wonders of the ocean forever…»  
   
My voice is light, so as not to disturb the stillness of that moment.  
   
Then his arms surround my hips and I feel been drag backwards. When my back touches his chest, his fingers find my hair and force my face to turn around and meet his gaze. It is even more beautiful, while the lights illuminate it, making his gray eyes shine with enchanted blue.  
On my cheeks all the shades of red explode and there’s nothing I can do to hide it.  
   
«Travel with me.»  
   
My heart accelerates.  
   
«L-Levi…»  
   
«No, Eren. Don’t speak, answer only. Would you like to travel by sea with me?»  
   
If you had asked me to imagine my reaction in such a context, I probably would have thought I was so happy that I jumped for joy; or scared to the point of wanting to escape; or so embarrassed to ruin everything with one of my usual clumsy fools.  
Instead those words don’t stop my heart, as I had imagined and it doesn’t even explode in the chest.  
A serenity that doesn’t belong to me pervades my soul.  
With slow and calculated gestures, I turn to face him and I slip in his raven hair the fingers of the hand that I haven’t placed on his chest.  
The tip of my nose touches his, making impossible for our eyes to escape from one another. Our bodies adjust themselves, approaching us.  
   
He’s mine.  
   
«How long?»I whisper.  
   
That moment is only ours and not even the stars are allowed to listen.  
   
«Forever, if you want.» His fingers touch my face. «I want you with me. Will you come?»  
   
«Yes.»  
   
I don’t want to wait any longer.  
We move together and our lips touch. How long have I waited for this moment? How much have I dreamed it? How many times have we already touched it without ever reaching a real conclusion?  
Fear, embarrassment and frustration are emotions that belong to the past.  
I slowly savor him: he tasteslike salt and adventure.  
Soft and thin his lips move on mine as if they had waited for that moment for a lifetime and it’s so right to kiss him and feel him against me.  
His fingers slide between my hair and at the base of my back, attracting me to him as if he were afraid of seeing me slip awayat any moment and I reassure him, getting closer and closer. Not even a hurricane could take this moment away from me.  
Our hearts beat in unison, immersed in the stars that have never been brighter.  
Here, on a boat that crosses the sky, I found a place to call home.


	10. The beginning of something new

_[Levi]_  
   
A movement wakes me up. The weight I feel pressing on my body and the warmth under the blande are clear signs of the fact that Eren is still here, where I left him last night when we fell asleep together. I never thought it could have been so natural to sleep hugging. My fingers are entangled in his soft and fuzzy hair.  
Next to me I hear Eren hold his breath, perhaps as he realizes how we actually spent the night.  
It almost makes me smile, because I can perfectly see his expression even if I don’t see him: his lips parted in surprise, his cheeks slowly reddening more and more, his eyes wide, pupils become small, swallowed by the magical green of its irises.  
He is certainly surprised, yet he doesn’t move a millimeter, while we cuddle in the bed where we have just spent all night.  
Pretending to be asleep is becoming a habit, a way to see how he behaves when he doesn’t feel the pressure of my gaze, the anxiety of showing me a perfect performance. He takes a while to decide to get up.  
I remain motionless as he sneaks out of bed, away from my embrace. Suddenly the blankets seem very cold. I lay down and listened to him working around the cabin.  
I don’t keep pretending for a long time and as soon as I sit down, his smile dazzles me.  
   
«Good morning!»  
   
It will certainly be.  
 

*********

  
His eyes are the real wonder, not the stars.  
The moment when the sea lights up and Eren begins to laught, playing with water and lights, it's also the moment when I understand that I want him by my side forever.  
I feel like an impulsive brat thinking of something like that towards a boy younger than me, but my belief has always been to make the choiche I won’t regret the idea of a lifetime listening to his laugh is the best perspective I've ever had.  
I tried not to run, not to exaggerate, risking to frighten him -again- and it was the greatest effort I have ever faced.  
His funny constellations, the way he pouts when he wants to show offense, the careful tension that animates him when he focuses on something new, even the tip of the tongue that escapes from the gap between his lips while he connects the lights in the sky: I love all these details.  
Something that no one ever cares about, details, yet they are essential. They are the first thing you miss, when things change and disappear, sometimes forever.  
They are the first thing you miss, when things change and disappear, sometimes forever. I have never believed in "forever", it is a mere illusion. Time relieves every wound, even those whose pain seems unbearable and those little details that you considered so important, dissolve as if they had never existed. It’s a fact, a lesson of life which all of us, sooner or later, are forced to deal with.  
I have never believed in forever. I have never tried to fight against time, but for this laugh I feel I could begin.  
   
«I wish I could see the wonders of the ocean forever…»  
   
He says it softly, in a low voice as if he was ashamed of it. The light in his eyes quivers at the thought and he bites his lip in such a quick gesture that he doesn’t even realize it. Those annoying butterflies flap their wings in my stomach and put me in front of a choice: act or stop.  
I make my decision.  
With a quick movement, before I have time to rethinking of it, I pull Eren away from the water.  
Against me. I almost sigh when I feel the warmth of his body again.  
The sea lights illuminate his eyes and the soft skin of his face blushes. In his gaze I read all the surprise and embarrassment he feels at that moment. His breath stops.  
   
«Travel with me.»  
   
It is my request, almost a prayer. A question that I never thought of asking, too used to loneliness and calm to think of contaminating my moments with a chaotic and energetic presence like his.  
Instead, now I can’t help it.  
And I know because I can’t imagine not waking up with his good morning or falling asleep without the sound of his breath to give rhythm to mine. Because sleeping with him last night was like really resting for the first time. I've always loved sail the sea, but now I love sail the sea with Eren.  
   
«L-Levi…»  
   
«No, Eren. Don’t speak, ansie only. Would you like to travel by sea with me?»  
   
I think, of course, about the possibilità that he refuses me. I’m not so stupid as to illude myself it doesn’t exists. I perfectly know that he has a life, friends, a father, a career and dreams. In his life, I am an unexpected parenthesis that opened that night, two weeks ago and that one day will have to close, with che conclusion of this journey.  
But I want to try.  
Eren moves towards me and his warm fingers slip between my hair and my heart beats too fast. I'm sure he can hear it.  
   
«How long?» he whispers.  
   
What could hold me back now?  
   
«Forever, if you want.» I gently brush his cheek. Those lips that I crave are just a breath away from mine. «I want you with me. Will you come?»  
   
«Yes.»  
   
We are kissing before we know it and if I weren’t so busy enjoying every fucking instant of this moment and the taste of his lips, I would probably exult.  
He immediately closed his eyes and his hands are now everywhere on my body: in my hair, on my back, my chest. I feel him grab my shirt and pull, dragging me over him. I don’t hesitate even for a moment.  
The bottom of the boat is soft thanks to all the blankets that we have laid out, but I also pay attention to put one of the arms between Eren’s nape and the fabric.  
I lick his lips and he does the same: our tongues meet halfway, but none of us try to force them into the other's mouth. We kiss for a long time, separating ourselves only for the brief moments that serve to catch our breath or change position.  
The slight moans that slip out every time a kiss follows another, are almost too much for me to handle.  
The lifeboat sways slowly, lulled by the waves and his fingers are so hot against my skin.  
They fit easily under the fabric of the shirt and I find myself shivering, as I feel them sliding down my spine, up to the shoulder blades. I decide to take a little revenge and I lift the edge of his shirt, discovering the naturally tanned skin of the hips.  
I caress them, feeling the shapes of the muscles under the fingertips. A little farther down and I could touch that V-shaped sign on the groin, that has been tormenting my thoughts for days, but I don’t dare to go so far.  
Only feeling his lips tremble against mine just for my caresses, is putting me under strain.  
When he puts his hand on my face, I understand that he is asking me for a break and I make myself back, without moving from above him. His knees touch my hips, his chest presses against mine with every breath: there is no reason in the world for which I would abandon such a position.  
His lips are wey from our saliva and he breathes quickly, just like me.  
I only hope that my face is not as red as his: this blush looks good on him, but I couldn’t bear it on myself.  
He looks at me for a while. If I have learned something about him in these weeks, surely one is to recognize that uncertain light in his eyes when he is not sure whether or not to say something.  
It is in these cases that he needs a little encouragement to continue.  
   
«Spit it out, kid.»  
   
«E-Eh?»  
   
«Why are you looking at me like this?»  
   
He pauses, his lips become a thin line, but he doesn’t look away.  
   
«It's just… I thought you didn’t like me that way…» he stutters.  
   
I want to punch him.  
   
«Why not?» I just ask.  
   
«Well… You never… never told me clearly or let me now that…-»  
   
This is too much. Only a few days ago, I had come so close to kissing him. We touched and looked at each other more times than it’s humanly possible to bear and he even slept over me last night. What else did he need?  
   
«Just because I didn’t throw a hand in your pants from the first moment you set foot on the boat, it doesn’t mean I don’t like you» I reply coldly, then sigh annoyed when I realize that his ability to understand has stopped at the words “hand in your pants”. His face looks like a red light.  
   
«I-I didn’t mean…-» he pauses and slowly shakes his head, as if to shut out a thought. «It doesn’t matter anyway.»  
   
He smiles at me. It has the same expression of a child on Christmas Day: relaxed and happy, while he’s looking at me, I barely remember that the resto f the world has never existed. I move from above, lying at his side. I put an arm behind his head and kiss him again. Eren meekly surrounds my shoulders with my arms. Everything is much calmer and slower, this time. There is nothing erotic in our lying next to each other.  
Not that I don’t want it, but whatever is happening between us, it’s a feeling that takes time to mature.  
Now I have the certainty. It's the beginning of something new.  
He's mine.  
 

*********

  
«It's a pity not to have photographed those lights in the water before. I mean, I don’t have a camera, but it would have been a good memory…»  
   
«You’ll see them again, don’t worry. Next time you’ll have your picture» I calm him down while I secure the lifeboat.  
   
Eren chuckles, lost in thought: he is tightening the knots on the other side, helping me to finish first. I don’t even need to control them. He has become better than Farlan. Once finished, he fills his arms with the objects we had brought before and goes below deck, humming.  
Stupid brat, I can’t help but smile for everything you do.  
   
I follow him and close the door behind me.  
   
«Do you want some hot tea before you sleep? We got cold outside» he asks me right away.  
   
I keep myself from answering that I had anything but cold with his body next to mine and just nod.

*********

  
He has the look of when he does not know whether or not to say something. I am now resigned to the idea that I’ll have to spend my whole life encouraging him to talk.  
I put the bookmark between the pages and raise an eyebrow, looking him straight in the eye: if you have something to say, talk now.  
Eren torments his fingers, clenches his lower lip between his teeth. Bad move for me, that again I feel the desire to have him under my hands.  
   
«Last night we slept together…» he says, taking a long breath before speaking.  
   
Maybe I understand what he’s meaning, but I'm not going to make things easier in any way.  
   
«So?»  
   
«So… I want to sleep with you tonight. I would… If it doesn’t bother you…»  
   
«What makes you think you can make requests?» My lips bend in a slight smile.  
   
My book slides on the nightstand and Eren approaches, leaning a knee on the bed between my legs.  
   
«I can be very persuasive…» he murmurs, placing both his hands on my shoulders.  
   
I grab his shirt and drag him down. Eren loses his balance and ends up awkwardly in my arms. He's red in the face when he lifts to look at me and he’s smiling in that embarrassed way that makes his nose curl a little.  
   
«So, can I?»  
   
«What do you think?»  
   
Happy, he lets himself fall with his back on the bed and closes his eyes, emitting a light, satisfied whimper. I sit at his side, remaining raised on one elbow to watch his beautiful face relax slowly.  
When he opens his eyes he meets mine. He puts a hand on my face and his fingers are hot in contact with my skin.  
   
«Is everything true?»  
   
«What you mean?»  
   
«This. I have the feeling that tomorrow I could wake up and…»  
   
I interrupt him. «Everything will be exactly as you has left it. And now go to sleep, in a few hours it will be dawn.»  
   
«We don’t always have to get up at dawn!» he protests weakly, distracted by the movement of my hands that are dragging him closer to my body.  
   
«We’ll see» I ansewr, while our legs interwine.  
   
He puts his head on my shoulder and closes his eyes.  
   
«Goodnight, Levi.»  
   
«Goodnight, Eren.»  
   
I caress his hair until he falls asleep. I follow him after a while.  
 

*********

  
The sun is already high when I open my eyes. Eren is still snoring softly next to me. During the night we changed position: his face is resting on one of my outstretched arms, his back adheres to my chest, his lower back to my pelvis. I must admit that this position is particularly convenient and pleasant. I’d be more than happy to go back to sleep, not caring about the time, if it were not for the constant and annoying beep-beep of the radio.  
Only one person can call me.  
Carefully, I get rid of Eren's weight, which gives no sign of having woken up, and I grab the radio transmitter, adjusting the volume to keep it as low as possible.  
   
_«Humanity'sstrongest please answer. I'm losing my patience!»_  
   
«Here Humanity'sstrongest. You will lose something else, if you do not lower your voice immediately!» I take it back, speaking softly.  
   
I absolutely don’t want to disturb the kid. He sleeps so well that it seems to me almost a crime to wake him up.  
   
_«Why are you whispering?»_ Farlan insists, without giving the slightest sign of wanting to change the volume of his own voice.  
   
«Eren is sleeping.»  
   
_«You were sleeping? That's why it took you so long to answer me?»_  
   
«Why do you care? Cut it short, Church.»  
   
_«Good mood as usual, apparently. Well, oficially I just had to make sure you are stilla live. Unoficcially… How are things going?»_  
   
«There was no problem.»  
   
_«I wasn’t referring to-»_  
   
The arrival of a third voice interrups our conversation: _«How is he, big brother?»_  
   
_«Isabel? What are you doing here? I told you to wait in the car!»_  
   
_«You were taking forever and I come to see what was happening»_ she replies, quietly.  
   
_«But you should stay at rest. Don’t make unnecessary efforts!»_  
   
_«Hey, I'm pregnant, not dying. Walking has never killed anyone, stop this hyper-anxiety of yours, you get on my nerves!»_  
   
I can almost see them, my two best friends arguing in front of the radio, having completely forgotten that I'm still there and I can hear every word.  
I cough, to get their attention and on the other side of the line, everything becomes silent.  
   
«If you have finished, I have better things to do than listen to your bickering» I scold them, glancing at Eren behind me. He’s still asleep, but he’s starting to move: soon he’ll open his eyes.  
   
_«Sorry big brother. But ansie my question, how he is?»_  
   
«What?»  
   
_«The boy you’re sailing with.»_  
   
«He was a complete incapable as soon as he set foot on the boat, but he learned very quickly. He’s becoming useful.»  
   
_«And physically, how he is?»_ she insists.  
   
«Why are you so interested?»  
   
_«Yeah, why are you so interested?»_ Farlan's annoyed voice repeats.  
   
He’s such a jealous husband.  
   
_«Because I’m curious to know Levi’s partner better!»_  
   
«He’s not my partner!» I almost shout, in the rush to answer, and I know I have fallen into her trap when I hear her laugh.  
   
_«I meant traveling-partner, what were you thinking, eh big brother?»_  
   
Damn brat.  
   
_«You keep not answering. How's Eren?»_  
   
I surrender, in the hope that she will finally let me go. I think of it for a moment before answering with a very neutral «Not bad» that, however, makes her burst into another series of little laughs.  
   
_«Do you like him, don’t you?»_  
   
I find myself praying that Eren was seriously asleep. Isabel has known me for a lifetime. She is as perceptive as she is direct. She always says what she thinks, exactly like me, with the difference that I know when to keep my mouth closed on subjects that don’t concern me. She totally lacks in this.  
   
«We'll talk in mid-week for the next check. Humanity's strongest, over and out» I say before hanging up.  
   
The warm embrace of a sleeping Eren is still there waiting for me and welcomes me without asking too many questions, when I get under the sheets again.  
 

*********

  
Farlan hooks the receiver, puffing a sigh in the most blatant way possible.  
   
«You realize that by behaving like that with him you will only attract trouble, will you?»  
   
«But didn’t you understand?» she answers, crossing her hands behind her back.  
   
«What should I have understood?»  
   
«He’s in love with Eren.»


	11. All the time

_[ Eren ]_

  
I wake up with a caress.  
I open my eyes on a cabin illuminated by the midday sun. I’d like to bring a hand to my mouth to yawn, but they are both blocked by the tight hug with which, in my sleep, I have clung myself on Levi.  
   
His fingers are caressing my hair and I let myself be lulled by the sense of peace and security that that simple gesture is giving me. He's awake, but he stays in bed instead of getting up as he does every single day. He stayed in bed to caress my hair while I was sleeping. My heart beats a little more quickly at this thought.  
I allow myself a few more minutes of fake sleep, while I relive the memories of last night: the kisses, the promises, his eyes that looked at me like that, as if I were the only important thing on the face of the earth.  
I found again a place where I feel I belong and I feel as if for all these years I had done nothing but wander through the lives of others, nourishing myself with small fragments of their everyday life, without ever finding mine.  
Now I feel different.  
A good different.  
I open my eyes slowly, to get used to the light and Levi is already looking at me, as if he hadn’t expected anything but that moment.  
   
«Good morning, kid» he murmurs, but I’m not offended.  
   
It has never been an insult to me. I address him the first sleepy smile of this first day of my new life.  
My attention is all focused on something more important now, a feeling that I'm not used to trying, but that doesn’t hesitate to make itself feel overbearing, strong of all the memories accumulated only a few hours before.  
I want to kiss him.  
His face is just above mine, his lips within reach of mine at any moment.  
But I hesitate.  
I don’t know how much freedom last night has actually allowed me to enjoy, and the thought of being rejected is too scary.  
And Levi knows it.  
   
«Stop with those puppy-eyes of yours and ansie to the good morning» he orders me, reading my thoughts in that strange way that always leaves me halfway between admiration and fear.  
I’ll never be able to hide anything from him.  
I turn on my side and lift myself on my elbow. My lips touch the captain’s cool ones, without either one of us talking. Levi sticks his fingers more firmly between my hair, as to prevent me from escaping.  
As if I could ever dream of doing it.  
We kiss for a few minutes, surrounded only by the creaks of the boat's wood and the sound of the waves crashing against the hull.  
   
«Not bad as a good morning» he tells me.  
   
I smile at him again.  
   
 

** ***** **

  
My most unconfessable desire is realized in the moment in which, even after the kiss of the good morning, Levi gives no sign of wanting to get out of bed.  
He holds me between his body and the mattress, starting to kiss me again. We acquire more experience and confidence with every kiss.  
I lick a corner of his lips to make them part, but it’s his tongue that invades my mouth.  
He easily dominates me and I realize that those few results that my initiatives obtain are his kind concessions.  
His hands touch my hips, shaping my body in every position that he considers comfortable to continue enjoying each other's company. I entrust myself totally to him.  
Those caresses send through my body shivers I have never tried before  
Those slight impulses increase the heat of my body, which begins to react accordingly, but I soon discover that Levi doesn’t intend to go with me further than that.  
He gets up when he hears my stomach grumbling and proposes to have lunch, before going out on the deck for the usual routine chores.  
I nod and shelter under the sheet to spare myself the embarrassment of showing him my suddenly tight pants. He would laugh at me, surely. He would come up with some jokes about teenagers - kids, to be precise - and their not-knowing-how-to-keep-it-in-their-pants or something.  
I’d like to save myself from these.  
I wait for him to be turned and I vanish in the bathroom.  
The shower helps me calm down, but it also leaves me time to think. Reflect on what really happened: I'm starting a relationship with a man twice my age, known by mistake when I snuck onto his boat as a clandestine and that represents all that my father has never wanted for me. Sailing, adventure.  
His strength has ignited my hope, dying after all those years of captivity on dry land. The sea is my element and my home. My destiny.  
   
When I leave the bathroom, I take care to finish preparing lunch. I petrified in front of the stove, when I realized that Levi had prepared my mother's soup, the one that only a few days ago I had made him taste. I take a spoonful to try: I burn my tongue, but I can say with absolute certainty that it has been prepared for perfection.  
I have to do my best not to be too excited about this careful choice when he joins me at the table.  
   
«It's very good» I tell him, blowing on the spoon full of soup.  
   
Levi shrugs and that's the only answer I can get about his culinary skills. Fortunately, I already have a new topic to suggest.  
   
«Something new?» He repeats, looking at me like I'm an idiot. I'm quite used to this too.  
   
«Yes, I’d like to eat something new. Any idea?»  
   
«We could fish. It's not like there's anything else we can do in the current condition» he proposes, playing with the spoon in his now empty plate.  
   
I open my eyes wide.  
   
« Is it possible? I mean, can we really fish?»  
   
«I have a fishing license on the high seas, there is no problem from that point of view.»  
   
I'm already starting to exalt myself when his question reaches me, pungent and inexorable.  
   
«Do you know how to fish, don’t you?»  
   
«Er… more or less?» I reply, trying to stay diplomatic with myself.  
   
It is not necessary for him to know that I always watched my mother fish, sitting next to her with a toy fishing rod, from which my father had removed the line, convinced that I could have strangle myself.  
   
«You will learn this too.»  
   
I love how he can read my mind.  
   
   
Immediately after lunch I take care of sails and anchor, while Levi rimains in the cabin to trace a simple route to take u sto an area where the water is less deep anche more populated with fish. The fact that he trusts me enough not to even control me while I do my chores fills me with pride, and with greater care I make sure to dedicate myself to them. I don’t want a single detail to be out of place.  
   
When half an hour later Levi gets on the bridge, he looks around and passes a hand through my hair. He says nothing, but my heart doesn’t need words to do backflips.  
For the first time in two weeks, I see the mainland in the distance. It’s only a faint stripe on the horizon, faded and barely recognizable, but his sight alone is enough to disturb me, as if it were a reminder of something I had tried with all my strength to forget. A shrapnel of awareness stuck into my chest, straight in my heart.  
All this is ending. Less and less are the days that separate me from… No, I don’t dare to calli t home, not anymore. Not now that I’ve discovered the true meaning of this word.  
I turn my gaze to Levi, intent on arranging some tools in the chests on the bridge. He doesn’t care about me and I'm free to watch him work.  
Who knows what he would say if I asked him to stay on the ship. Stay with him.  
He would believe me crazy, surely. Maybe I would scare him.  
Hosting me on his boat for a month is one thing, living together is another.  
I would prefer a thousand times to go back to my father's apartment, continuing to see Levi at the Nautical School, to make a mistake and lose him forever.  
The more we grow, the harder it is to forgive. It's a lesson I learned at my expense.  
I don’t know for how long I look at the dry land in the distance, which in store form me has only obligation and no promises.  
   
 

*********

  
It's mid-afternoon when my first fishing trip begins.  
We sit at the bow. The sun warms us and the fresh air prevents us from feeling the typical suffocating August’s heat. I swing my legs over the emptiness, leaning on the parapet with my arms.  
   
«Don’t lean to forward» Levi says next to me, as he prepares the fishing rod he has kept so far hidden in one of the ship's many compartments.  
   
I move my feet, pretending to walk on the water that is actually a couple of meters from me. I occasionally feel his gaze on me, as if he really had to make sure I don’t throw myself at sea at any moment.  
He exaggerates, but his concern makes me stupidly happy.  
After putting some leftovers of the lunch as bait on the hook, Levi stands up and shows me the right movement to throw it into the water, how to hold the fishing rod firmly so that it doesn’t escape the grip, how to rewind the line.  
I observe everything, tormenting my hands to keep me from trying immediately. I must at least let him finish the explanation.  
   
«Come on, your turn» he finally murmurs, holding out the rod. «And don’t throw the whole thing into the water or you’ll go take it back.»  
   
I chuckle, even though I know he's serious.  
After a couple of attempts, I finally get the right movement and my bait falls into the water with a barely audible plunf.  
I observe the little circles that it has produced erased from the waves a few moments later.  
   
«And now?»  
   
«Now we sit down and wait.»  
   
 

*********

  
Fishing is not nearly as fun as I remembered from the afternoons spent with my mother.  
This is an activity -if it really can be defined as such- slow and silent that, I admit, tires me after not even fifteen minutes.  
Remain whole mornings sitting, watching the sea, has never been a burden for me during the last few weeks, but at least I was sure I could get up at any time to leave, to be distracted and even to sleep, if I had the opportunity. Staring always at the same point of the water or at a colored stick in my hands doesn’t match my idea of fun at all.  
Levi instead seems to be fine. He leaned against the parapet, turning his back on the sea and holding the book in his hands, whose title is still incomprehensible to me.  
After what seems like hours, I decide that silence risks killing me and I need to break it.  
   
«Levi…»  
   
«Mh?»  
   
«You have read the same book since we left.»  
   
«I would have finished it a few days ago, if I hadn’t had someone unexpected to take care of» he replied without looking up from the book.  
   
I feel my cheeks blush, but I'm too bored to let it go. I lean out just to be able to look at the cover of the book.  
   
«What are you reading?» I ask, trying to understand the italics of the golden letters.  
   
That's when it happens.  
Completely unexpected.  
Surprising.  
   
« _Vingt mille lieues sous les mers_ » he answers. [Twenty thousand leagues under the sea]  
   
I look up at him so quickly that I almost hurt my eyes, unable to respond. My silence makes him suspicious, because he closes the book to look at me back.  
   
« _De Jules Verne_ » he adds, emphasizing the French accent.  
   
I don’t understand anything anymore. I knew that his origins were mixed, but he never, never, said he could speak other languages during the thousands of interviews. He had always used translators and only for German or English.  
   
Now, hearing these particular and new syllables gently rolling out of his lips lights me with a new emotion. I stared at it longer than it wise to do, but he simply remains motionless and returns my gaze until I realize the situation in which I have put both of them.  
   
«I-I didn’t know you spoke French," I stutter, hoping the redness of my cheeks is not too obvious.  
   
«They tought me when I was young.»  
   
«You have… a very nice pronunciation» I answer, passing a hand through my hair and turning back to the sea.  
   
Levi moves next to me. The book is placed on the ground and I feel his fingers grasping my chin and turning my face. Levi is in front of me, one knee bent on the ground, the other raised in a position that makes him slightly taller than me.  
   
«Do you like my pronunciation, Eren?» he asks slowly.  
   
Is his voice a little lower or I'm going crazy?  
   
I open and close my mouth, unable to respond, limiting myself to nod in silence. My eyes are inexorably attracted to his. I wouldn’t be able to look away even if I wanted to. As if I could ever want it.  
A corner of Levi's lips curls upward, while a gust of wind stronger than the others moves his hair, bringing me his scent, so intense as to make my head spin.  
   
« _Bon à savoir_ » he answers, narrowing the look. [Good to know]  
   
«Come on! I don’t understand a word» I protest, giving myself a pinch with my hand, to keep me rational.  
   
« _Quel dommage._ » [Too bad.]  
   
«Stop that! You're doing it on purpose, now!»  
   
« _Tu es joli, tout rougedans ton visage_ …» he insists, caressing my lower lip with his thumb. [You are cute, with your face so flushed.]  
   
Now I don’t give a fuck anymore to under stand what he’s saying. I just want to shut that provocative mouth with mine.  
I drop the fishing rod and put my hands in his raven hair, forcing him to get closer to me.  
He doesn’t let himself be prayed and the familiar warmth of his lips finds mine. His kisses for me have become a drug and the last dose dates back to too many hours ago. I need this, I need him and I don’t hesitate for a moment to take whatever I want.  
I let him in almost immediately, moaning in a way that I'm sure he appreciates. I understand it by the way he pulls me over him, completely unmindful of the fishing rod that he had urgently recommended to me just an hour ago.  
Within a few kisses, we end up lying on the deck of the boat.  
Him above me, the sun to warm both of us and yet I feel only shivering through my body and it’s his skin that provokes them, in every single point where it touches mine.  
When he moves to kiss my neck, I take courage. I slip a hand under his shirt and begin to feel the sculpted muscles of his chest, enjoying the feeling they give against my fingertips.  
I need to see it.  
Once and for all, this body which is now slowly becoming more and more mine, I need to admire it in all its perfection.  
No more ridde, through the glimmers of the bathoroom door –which I should be ashamed for, but hey what would you have done in my place?-  
I start to pull up his shirt, discovering his back more and more. Levi stops kissing me to get up and look at my face with an expression so unusual that I would define amused.  
   
«I think you want something from me» he whispers, with a sarcastic smile that makes me want to bite his lip.  
   
"Take it off" I order and then add: "Er ... please?" Immediately thereafter.  
   
"Why should I do it?" He insists.  
   
I play my last card: "Because if you do it, will I do it too?"  
   
Levi seems to meditate a few moments, then sits on my legs and begins to unbutton his shirt. Slowly, almost unbearably, one after the other the buttons slide out of their buttonhole and our eyes don’t lose sight of each other even for a moment.  
I see his ice irises burn by an unnatural fire and I have to clench my fists to prevent me from tearing off that annoying stuff, interrupting one of the most erotic moments I've ever experienced in my short and monotonous life.  
When the last button is also removed, Levi stays on top of me with the shirt completely open, but without giving any sign of wanting to remove it. The only expression I can use to describe my state of mind is "mouth watering".  
   
«I said to take it off» I repeat, but Levi doesn’t move.  
   
He raises an eyebrow and looks at me, still wearing my shirt.  
Right, what an idiot I am.  
I lift myself just enough to get it out of my head. In the short second in which I lose sight on Levi, I perceive his body moving.  
The light comes back to dazzle my eyes an instant later and there he is, in front of me, so beautiful to take my breath away.  
He travels my body with his own eyes, letting those stormy sea eyes devour every inch of my skin, every curve of my muscles, every shadow and detail. I let him do it, taking all the time to do the same, then I extend my hand and touch him. His muscles are hard and inviting, his body covered by the signs of fatigue of many years, yet impeccable.  
I run my fingers along the abdominals until I reach the forbidden line marked by his well-buckled trousers.  
I moan softly.  
   
«You're not ready for this» he says and I feel myself blushing to the tip of my hair.  
   
«What do you know?» I retort trying not to sound too childishly.  
   
I miserably fail.  
   
«I know.»  
   
«I-It’s not true!»  
   
«Have you ever done it with a man?»  
   
I hesitate to answer.  
   
«Have you ever done it in general with someone who wasn’t yourself?»  
   
What’s that got to do with it?  
What does it matter how many experiences I've had? I could be a virgin, just like have fucked all the students in my faculty, but what matters to me right now is him. Only him and the fact that he seems not to understand it.  
I look away, but his hand lifts my chin, making me meet those two little irises that are my whole world.  
   
«Hey, I don’t give a shit if you've already fucked or not.»  
   
«Bu-But… You just-…»  
   
«I said it just to make you understand that…» he pauses, as if he’s looking for the right words to say. «It is not something so obvious, to be taken lightly. And you don’t need to be in a hurry.»  
   
I don’t ansie. I look at him, fighting the desire to lower my eyes again, but my Captain knows how to understand me. He puts his forehead on mine, a gesture that leaves me surprised and makes my heart beat faster at the same time.  
   
«We have all the time in the world, Eren» he murmurs.  
   
His voice is calm, sweet and I feel my face blush.  
I close my eyes and I know it's true.

   
 


	12. Different

_[ Levi ]_  
   
The fishing trip was a total failure.  
The interest in the fishing rod totally vanished in the instant in which even our t-shirts had the same fate. We were lying on the deck watching the clouds and listening to the sound of the sea: at one point we even fell asleep and it was him who woke me up, pulling my hair gently away from my face.  
He can’t keep his hands off me.  
 

*********

   
I hear him brushing his teeth in the small bathroom in the cabin and humming one of his songs never heard before. Some fashion of today's young people, perhaps, but I've never been attracted by the last track of anyone.  
As a first day together, it wasn’t bad at all and I hope to receive the same good morning for all the mornings that remain to be spent on this boat.  
Yeah, we still haven’t talked about what will happen when we set foot on the ground, but I'm pretty sure the fact of being back with our ass on dry land won’t stop him from being around me. Nor am I going to let it disappear as it appeared.  
Now it is late and what is done is done: I am fond of him as it had never happened with anyone else.  
I feel like one of those characters, come out of the fucking romance novel, but the whole story of “You immediately recognize the right person for you” and all this bullshit seems to me much more understandable now.  
When he seems to read my mind, for example. Or when it happens to me to do it with him. It's fucking creepy, but it happens all the time and now Eren doesn’t even seem to care. We are similar and different, two opposite poles that attract each other.  
And it is precisely this compatibility that makes it extremely difficult for me to keep my hands off of him.  
Honestly, I am a man of more than thirty years, I have had my experiences and for this reason I realize how important it is to keep in mind Eren’s virginity.  
It does not bother me, it seems much more annoying for him, who does not control his physical rations as well as he thinks. He can hide under the covers or give me his back as much as he wants, I notice how he changes his posture or his mood, if he gets excited.  
This morning we spent a quarter of an hour eating each other's face and the only reason I was convinced to get up is that If I had to keep pretending not to hear him holding those little moans and clenching his legs, I wouldn’t be able to control myself anymore.  
Instead he is not ready yet, and I see it by the hesitation of his gaze.  
This afternoon, when his hand fell slowly down my body, I watched him carefully and there was no curiosity or excitement in those emerald eyes, only fear and insecurity. I left him free to choose how it was right to continue, but I didn’t forget his proud and stubborn temper.  
He would have been able to undress completely, just because convinced he had to prove me something , ending up ruining completely one of the most unique experiences of life.  
The first time you share your body with a person, you must be completely certain of it.  
They may be the love of your life or the first loser known in a pub, but it's your feelings and your awareness of being ready that will make that moment unique.  
I want it to be like this for Eren, if and when he decides that I'm the right person with which living all of this. And I'd be lying if I denied hoping it.  
I stopped him this afternoon on the deck of the boat, but my whole body was ready to react to whatever his decision was. Eren trusts me with an impressive ease and didn’t hesitated to follow my advice, to wait and reflect.  
We have all the time in the world, I told him and he smiled at me.  
He doesn’t even realize how deadly his smile is for me. I hope he never realizes it, it would definitely give him too much power and it's not something I can accept. I still have ten years more than him.  
   
When Eren jumps on the bed, my flow of thoughts stops abruptly. He presses his lips on mine without hesitation and I understand that he has no intention of sleeping. His breath tastes like fresh mint, but the scent of his skin is warm and inviting.  
   
«Didn’t you get enough for today, brat?» I provoke him, but my words have no effect on him.  
   
«I don’t know if I'll ever get enough of you.»  
   
He knows I'm anything but sorry for the idea and he already feels too sure of himself. I dpush him on the mattress and his serene laughter fills the cabin air.  
   
«Calm down, it’s late.»  
   
«So what? I don’t risk waking up someone, there's only us here.»  
   
«Maybe you should not scream regardless.»  
   
«Are you afraid to wake up some sea monster?» he grins, amused by his own joke, but I look back at him seriously.  
   
«Don’t mess around about these things, Eren. Do you know what happened to the last one that made fun of the creatures of the ocean?»  
   
He immediately becomes serious and worried. He frowns and widens his wonderful eyes.  
   
«No… What?»  
   
«Who knows. They never came back.»  
   
His expression is priceless. How easy it is to make fun of him.  
   
He look at me in silence, perhaps waiting for a sign, a joke that dissolves the tension that I have no intention of giving him. I leave him there, to meditate on the potential dangers in which he might have attracted us, cursing marine creatures that don’t exist.  
I go to the bathroom and when I come back, I find him curled up under the covers with a book in his hands and his eyes already half closed.  
Tch. First he promises wonders and then falls asleep. Here's what happens dating brats.  
I slowly remove the book and he lets me do it, looking at me with that confused and sleepy expression.  
He smiles at me when I take the covers off to reach him.  
   
«Can I sleep over you?» he murmure, while his cheek already leans against my shoulder.  
   
I stretch my arm and he snuggles near me, his chest against my side. Our bodies perfectly fit each other in this position and feel his breathing relaxes me.  
   
«Goodnight Levi…»  
   
The moment later he is already snoring.  
I kiss him on the forehead and in his sleep he smiles at me.  
   
 

*********

   
Three days fly away and we already are in the middle of the week.  
We get up in the morning and a moment later it's already evening. The hours pass quickly between sailing lessons, exercises and kisses. Especially the last ones.  
I find him next to me, suddenly, with his eyes shining and his hands already in my hair. He calls my name in that whispered tone, as if it were a prayer and the warmth of his body, which I immediately feel against mine, makes the sun pale.  
Before I can realize it, he forces me to interrupt everything I am doing and look after him and his teenage cravings.  
He makes me feel like a teenager again.  
   
 

*********

   
The morning of the new day is sunny and quiet. I lean on the helm, eyes closed and I enjoy the salty breeze that moves my hair.  
There is peace and silence, in these waters that rarely people navigate.  
It has happened that we sighted other ships on the horizon, but we have always kept ourselves far away, jealous of the calm that our solitude gave us.  
I re-open my eyes and look for him with my eyes. He is sitting on the ground in front of the open door of the cabin, his legs crossed, surrounded by paper sheets and books.  
I placed him there, on watch, waiting for Farlan’s nex mid-week call. He’s studying the shipping routes, the coordinates, how to trace them and how to orientate.  One day will not be enought, but he is so determinate and stubborn to learn at least the bases by evening.  
For a few minutes I watch him juggle numbers and symbols, then our eyes meet when he looks up.  
He almost immediately starts giggling.  
   
«What the fuck are you laughing for?» I ask, frowning.  
   
«You’re watching me…» he replies with a sweet smile, which makes his eyes sparkle and I immediately feel my heart beating a little faster.  
   
I try not to show it.  
   
«I was looking at the cabin, not at you. Farlan’s late."  
   
«Maybe he was busy.» He pretends to believe me.«He will call, he always does.»  
   
It looks like he's trying to reassure me. I shrug and look back at the horizon: inside of me I really hope that this delay was not caused by some kind of problem, but only by his usual carelessness.  
Half an hour later, Eren calls me saying that Farlan's voice is finally coming out of the radio. I lock the helm and go into the cabin, ignoring over the chaos that the brat has sown on the floor.  
   
« _Humanity'sStrongest, here’s Nautical School, please answer._ »  
   
I grab the communicator and sit on the bed.  
   
«Nautical school, here’s Humanity's Strongest, everything is regular. You’re are late.»  
   
« _You noticed, uh? Did you miss my voice?_ »  
   
«No, I wanted to get rid of this inconvenience quickly.»  
   
« _Ugh. One day you will hurt me with these words of yours._ »  
   
I hear Eren giggling as he listens to our conversation. I ignore both of them.  
   
«How is Isabel?»  
   
« _Everything is normal, the term is close, but still no news. Are you anxious to meet your nephew?_ »  
   
«I only hope he doesn’t have your face.»  
   
« _And I hope that he never takes exemple from your character!_ »  
   
«There's nothing wrong with my character.»  
   
«We want to ask your boyfriend?»  
   
I frost in place. This time it’s impossible for Eren not to have heard. The sound of the sheets he was working with stopped suddenly, further proof that I will kill Farlan as soon as I set foot on the ground.  
   
« _Um, your silence can only mean that he's there with you,right?_ »  
   
«Church…»  
   
« _Ouch… Wheny ou call me by last name is never a good sign… Well, but I'm not against it, you know? We are very happy for you two. Eren, we can’t wait to meet you!_ »  
   
«T-Thanks?» Eren stutters.  
   
I don’t need to look at him to know that his face is redder than the life preserver.  
   
« _Oh, so he really was there…_ _Well, I apologize for being so direct. I did not want to bother you Eren, but Levi is a brother to me. If he likes you, I like you._ »  
   
I'm about to stop him, to tell him to end this embarrassing speech and go to hell, he and his apologies , but something chokes the words in my throat. The warm hand of Eren takes mine, intertwining our fingers in a sweet but firm grip. I didn’t even realize he has got up.  
   
«You didn’t botte me, actually you made me happy… It’s really important to me. I can’t wait to meet you too. And your wife. You’re obviously important for Levi… And congratulations for your child.»  
   
I suddenly want to kiss him until he remains breathless.  
   
« _Isabel will definitely go crazy for you_ » is Farlan's answer, after a moment of silence.  
   
Eren smiles, embarassed, and looks at me, as if to make sure I'm not angry. I return the grip of his hand and pull him close to me. His lips touch mine in a simple and soft kiss.  
   
«Well, if that’s all…» I begin to say in the communicator, in my mind the only thought of getting rid of Farlan and devoting all my attention to Eren.  
   
We have no luck.  
   
« _Actually, I have one more thing to tell you, Eren. That blue-eyed boy came back yesterday, asking again about you._ »  
   
Again, like the last time, I feel Eren stiffen beside me.  
   
«Oh… Why?» he asks.  
   
« _He asked me if I had delivered the message, he was worried because he hadn’t received an answer._ _I explained that there was none, that he could talk to you next week on the ground, but he was very… convincing._ »  
   
Eren holds his breath and then throw all the air out of his lungs a moment later.  
   
« _Actually, at first I didn’t want to talk again about this again, but hell, that kid really know how to use words! In any case, he prayed me to ask you for an answer and I’m a man of my word._ »  
   
«I have no answer for him.»  
   
Silence.  
Neither do I know what to say to save all three from this awkward moment. These are matters that don’t concern us. This boy is just an unknown face who is disturbing the balance of our life of solitary peace with singular insistence. But, considering Eren's reaction, I can’t deny that for him, he must be important.  
   
« _O-Okay. Well, if he comes back, I’ll try to explain-_ »  
   
«If he came back again, he would just have wasted his time. It's not my problem.»  
   
«Ohi, Er-»  
   
I don’t have time to stop him. He already stood up and ran up the ladder of the cabin, disappearing on the bridge. I rub my eyes with my fingers: it seemed to me that everything was a little too simple.  
   
« _I think I’ve messed up…_ »  
   
«No Farlan, it's not about you, but them. I'll try to talk to Eren. And if that boy comes back again, you have the order to tell him that Eren will be the one to contact him when he intends to.»  
   
« _I’ll do it… I’ll talk to you in a few days, Captain._ »  
   
I hang up the communicator and take a moment to reflect. Eren easily confides when he needs to let off steam. Or cries.  
As our relationship has grown, his tears have become something less and less bearable for me. Seeing Eren cry for this blue-eyed brat would only make me want to find him and get rid of him, but I know I must remain rational. I have to be an adult even when it's inconvenient to be.  
I climb the stairs and go back to the bridge. I look around for Eren, but I don’t see him. I don’t worry, it’s not like he could have gone that fare, but he has his favorite places on the ship and I know them all. I begin to search from the bow and find him immediately.  
He is sitting and swinging his legs down from the railing, his cheek resting on his arms. He looks at the sea, his gaze lost on the horizon.  
I sit beside him without speaking and he gives no sign of wanting to pay any attention to me. Evidently, once again, I'll have to push him to talk.  
   
«Have you already finished studying the papers?»  
   
«I don’t want to study anymore…» he replies, grumbling with his mouth hidden against his arm.  
   
He doesn’t look at me and he answers in a low voice, as if he has no desire to speak to me or is ashamed. I remain silent for a couple of minutes, thinking, reflecting about the right way to ask him that question that buzzes in my head since the first week and about which he has never mentioned anything at all. I have no idea how not to seem too direct and frighten or irritate him: I mean, I've never been a delicate person and I can’t certainly become it now.  
   
«I've been an idiot.»  
   
I look up at him. He spoke but his position didn’t change by an inch. I don’t answer him.  
   
«I shouldn’t have talked to Farlan like that… i mean, I’ve never even seen him… Now he hates me.»  
   
«I'm sure Farlan didn’t get angry at your behavior. We all have something we don’t want to talk about with others.»  
   
Finally, he moves and points his emeralds straight on me.  
   
«I’d like to bea s mature as you…»  
   
«Wait a dozen years, brat.»  
   
«Will you call me a brat even when I’ll be thirty?»  
   
«If you’ll deserve it…»  
   
He smiles at me and I sigh with relief: he is calmer, but the difficult part comes now. I get close to him and he lets himself be captured by my embrace, continuing to look at the sea.  
   
«Eren.»  
   
«Yup?»  
   
«Why don’t you want to answer him?»  
   
He looks at me in silence: I don’t see anger in his eyes, only indecision as if he were evaluating what and how much reveal to me. I wait.  
   
«Because I'm angry with him. Because I don’t think he really cares to have my answer, but he's doing it just because he has to.»  
   
«He is very insistent, to be something he's doing just for duty…» I murmur, caressing his hair to keep him next to me.  
   
«The night I got on your boat, I wasn’t alone… There were also Armin and some of my university's friends…» he begins, speaking in a low voice.  
   
I raise my eyebrows: this is new, he had never told me there were other people.  
   
«I had drunk a lot, I was looking at the water and I think I fell asleep next to him. Then I don’t remember, I think I heard the sound of some police sirens or something… Well, basically we had to leave quickly and he left me there, without thinking twice. He knew perfectly how much I had drunk, but he didn’t bother to stop and help me. He simply ran away. Not that it surprises me, it's practically the only thing he's ever done since my mother died.»  
   
He tells me all this in a neutral voice, continuing to turn his gaze to the infinite horizon of water that lies before us.  
I decide to overlook, at least for now, the pack of brats who had boarded my boat.  
   
«Why are you friends, if you don’t trust him?»  
   
«I love him» he confesses, and I feel one of his hands searching for mine, intertwining his fingers. «He's been my best friend for years, he still is, but he's never been strong enough to support me. It is not easy to absorb the pain of others without letting it upset you. You must be strong and he has never been so much. But abandon me here… I could have got into serious trouble, maybe even in prison if they caught me…»  
   
He is absolutely right. If I had discovered him before leaving…  
   
«I'm not the right person to give life advice, but… Playing silence will not solve your problems.»  
   
«I know that it won’t solve anything and that in a few days I will be back on the ground, where I will not be able to avoid him. I'll have to talk to him and maybe it will be even more difficult because I ignored him for a long time, but… When all this started, I was… different» he plays with my fingers and I can imagine his frowned face, even if the position prevents me to see it. «Tired, indifferent, without any ambition and only a handful of dreams that I thought completely unattainable. And instead look. Look now where I am and with who!»  
   
He stands up, leaning on the parapet and breathing the air at the top of his lungs.  
   
«I see things in a completely different way. I'm still angry with him, it's true, but I know I can face everything in a new way once I'm back on dry land… I just need some time for myself. And in large part it's thanks to you, Levi…»  
   
«I didn’t do anything…» I instinctively reply, still looking at him from below, my head bent backwards to see him.  
   
Eren rolls his eyes and I kick him, for which he complains only for a moment. Then he holds out his hand to help me get up and I grab it.  
   
«You can be modest if you want, but for me, you and this month on the sailboat will always be the best things that could happen to me… And if I could meet you, it’s also thaks toh is runaway… In a certain way, it’s good that he left me behind» he giggles, bringing my hand next to his lips.  
   
«And you ended up in my way…»  
   
«In your arms. And you in mine.»  
   
«You’ve changed, it’s true. You grew up.»  
   
I see him just blush, before turning his gaze to me.  
   
He closes his eyes. I'm ready to kiss him, to satisfy that desire that I keep from before, but the kid stops a few inches from me.  
   
«And so… Boyfriend, uh… Did you talk to Farlan about me?»  
   
Now I’m the embarassed one.  
   
«So there are other people in the world who know how Levi Ackerman has lost his mind?»  
   
I push him away, mumbling a «Tch, brat.»  
   
Eren follows me immediately, laughing and continuing to provoke me.  
I'll wait to be in the cabin, before pushing him against a wall and taking what we both want.  
His lips, his caresses, the shy moans that he lets out, the redness of his cheeks, his wonderful eyes with dilated pupils that swallow the green of his emerald irises.  
It's true, I lost my mind.  
The rest of the world can go fuck themselves.


	13. The song of a new captain

_[ Eren ]_  
   
This is one of those rare mornings when Levi gets up before me and I don’t even notice. I had to be really exhausted if he managed to escape my embrace witout waking me up.  
I do not like being in bed alone, but I must also admit that I don’t mind opening my eyes with the strong aroma of coffee in the air.  
I turn on my stomach, without having any intention of getting up: I want to enjoy a few more minutes of this peace.  
Suddenly a slight weight makes the bed lower and a pair of strong arms surround me. I curl up in that embrace, holding back the chills that rise up my back when his cold lips start to kiss my ear and the skin of my neck, just below.  
   
«Is this the way to wake someone up?»  
   
I react, failing in my attempt to keep my voice steady.  
   
«You were already awake.»  
   
«No, I wasn’t.»  
   
The earlobe of my ear pays the price of my lie when his teeth gently hold it. I moan and try to escape him, an impossible task because he has all the advantages. Several minutes of fight later I end up lying on my back, panting and flushed.  
Levi is above me: he breathes quickly, tired by our little battle from which he emerged victorious. A raven strand falls in front of his face and I raise a hand to move it. My fingers caress the skin, up to the shaved hair of the nape. He stays still, letting me do, even when I pull him closer and start kissing him.  
His tongue immediately invades my mouth and our bodies follow a natural instinct that we can’t control, approaching, adapting perfectly to each other. There is nothing I can do to hide my excitement, just as one of hi legs slips between my thighs, pressing against my crotch. I gasp on his lips in a vain attempt to hold back a groan and fail miserably.  
   
«It seems to me that you like the way I wake you up…» he teases me, a satisfied smile decorating his lips.  
   
I don’t have the energy to cancel it.  
Because he's absolutely right.  
I choose the way of silence and turn my head to the side, waiting for the cruel moment when Levi snorts and walks away from me, ordering me to go and wash myself before breakfast.  
I wait.  
Then his leg moves again, against my crotch and I jerk.  
   
«Le-Lev-…»  
   
«Stop me, if you don’t want this» he interrupts me, giving me a stern look.  
   
We look at each other in silence for ad infinite number of seconds. His icy irises  freeze the blood in my veins, but my whole body suddenly heats up. I stand on my abs and catch him in my arms, dragging him down, towards me. His sighs on my lips almost seem relieved, but I have no time to think whether Levi really was afraid of being rejected by me.  
I have no time to do anything but tear off his clothes, as he is doing with me.  
My tank top and his shirt fall quietly to the ground. Our lips meet again, to not leave each other anymore.  
Kisses are aggressive, almost violent. He bites me and I push my tongue against his, in a new challenge.  
I lose.  
His taste invades my mouth and I sigh, tangling his hair between his fingers, snatching him a moan of pain.  
It's hot, we're sweating and yet we do not move even an inch away.  
Now the erection between my legs has become almost painful and I can feel his, through the fabric of the pants, pressed against my thigh.  
We remain entwined for a time that seems endless, kissing and biting, rubbing and knowing each other in a completely new way.  
His hands run through my body, reach my hips and gently caress them, but all these care and attention only increase my excitement. And I enjoy every moment.  
Then his fingers go further.  
They overcome the inviolate barrier of the elastic of the trousers and the palm of his hand rests firmly on my groin. Only the underwear now separates my flesh from his hand.  
I hold my breath and Levi glances me.  
   
«W-What do you want to do?» I ask him, with an embarrassing tone of voice that I can’t control.  
   
«Touch you» is the simple answer, which accompanies a slow movement of those five fingers on my groin, snatching a groan from me. «Can I?» he adds.  
   
«Fuck, yes.»  
   
I think I hear him giggle, but I'm too distracted to notice. I lean better on the pillows and abandon myself to him. Completely.  
I feel pants and underwear slip along my thighs and then disappear completely, when I lift the pelvis a little to make the process easier. His fingers are cold and I'm burning.  
They tighten around my flesh, rubbing my erection against his palm.  
Up and down, up and down.  
With his thumb he caresses the top, plays with me, having fun. He torments me and I pant and moan louder and louder, faster and faster.  
At the rhythm of my voice, the movements of his hand increase.  
His lips find the tanned skin of my neck: they lick and kiss every inch they can reach. My heart beats hard, almost hurting and I cling to his back, bending my legs. My body doesn’t want to stay still, it moves before the thought and I hold the grip on his skin, forgetting the risk of scratching him. Now, in his hands, pain doesn’t exist.  
And then the heat increases, again and again, my body tends, my voice chokes in my throat and I arch my back, clawing whatever my hands can find.  
I dirt his hand and my stomach.  
I abandon myself again on the cushions, breathing quickly, my eyes closed as the last thrills of orgasm cross my body.  
It was intense.  
And short.  
Shamefully short and as I realize it, I would just hide under one of the cushions and never show him my face again  
Levi kisses my forehead then gets up from the bed. He disappears in the bathroom. I feel the water running for a couple of minutes. On his return, a damp, warm cloth touches my stomach.  
I open my eyes and grab it. I clean myself, carefully avoiding his gaze, taking advantage of that time to think about what to say.  
Should I reciprocate? That's how it works, right? Pleasure is a mutual exchange or at least it's what I've always thought, but now that I'm in it, I have no idea how to move. I feel horrible, after what he has just done to me, but I really don’t want to do it. I'm afraid to touch him. I'm afraid of making mistakes.  
Maybe I should just go fori t and see what happens, as I always do. Follows my istinct.  
I sit up and finally meet his gaze. Cute.  
   
«Thanks…» I murmur before I realize it.  
   
«You don’t have to thank me» he replies, returning serious again.  
   
I put my hands on his pant, but Levi stops me. He holds them between his own and again we look at each other’s eyes. Again I tremble in front of those storm irises, which seem to be able to read me better than I can.  
   
«I didn’t do it to do you a favor or to have something in return» letting our fingers intertwine slowly. «We have time.»  
   
I’d like to ask him why he did it, but a kiss immediately follows his words, slow and sweet.  
Delicate, soft.  
I stroke his hair, he touches my face.  
He puts his forehead on mine, when we separate and remain so, in silence, for a while.  
For me this answer is a more than enought.  
 

*********  
 

«Do you have a captain’s hat? Like the ones you see on TV?»  
   
«That's stuff from military uniforms or carnival costumes, brat.»  
   
«I’d like to have it. But a pirate hat. You sail much better with one of those on your head!»  
   
Levi sighs and leans against the helm, returning to his French book. I don’t give up.  
   
«You could have a blindfold! And a long coat, that touches the ground!»  
   
«Haven’t you finished yet?»  
   
«A Captain must have his style.»  
   
«I have a sailboat, not a cruiser. And certanly not a pirate ones!»  
   
«But if you were a pirate, would you wear a hat?»  
   
«Do you have a kink for hats?»  
   
«What if I answered yes?»  
   
I see him smirk, without looking away from a page that it’s clear he’s not reading.  
   
«It’s not a hat that make you a captain.»  
   
«Oh, I know that… You have to be special» I say, sitting on the deck, under the sun.  
   
«You must be able to command others and survive at sea, alone if necessary» he corrects me, finally closing the book.  
   
«Yeah. And you must have a boating license.»  
   
«That is a detail. I met many good and talented sailors without that useless piece of paper.»  
   
«You have a nautical school! How can you say that the boating license is useless?» I exclaim, looking up at him.  
   
«I say so, because it is not a test required by the government to make you really good at life at sea. There are children in that school with more presence of mind and talent than so-called captains with years of experience.»  
   
«They must be really good, your students…» I murmur, looking at the horizon with a touch of jealousy to press on my chest.  
   
Levi moves away from the helm and reaches me, making me raise my face to meet his gaze.  
   
«This is not about skill. It’s about instinct, love, passion. It's about wanting to share a part of your existence with water, trusting her, even knowing that there will be stormy days. Because sometimes we are too in love with the waves, the sun, the air to be able to remember it…»  
   
My heart accelerates. Levi makes me stand up, takes my hands and holds them in his own.  
   
«You have all this, Eren» he murmurs, dragging me to the helm and placing my hands on it.  
   
Suddenly, as soon as I understand what he is doing, breathing becomes incredibly difficult. I clench my hands to keep them from shaking and I tense the muscles of my arms, to keep the helm from turning, pushed by the force of the water. I keep the boat on its own course and look up.  
The sea is immense and calls me.  
The cold, salty air makes my eyes water. It's the air. It’s certainly fault of the air.  
There is a whole world that lies before me and I could go anywhere. No door is closed, because the waves are spreading all before me. I shouldn’t do anything but follow them, I shouldn’t do anything else but abandon myself to the sea.  
   
_Forget it! It's nothing but a child's dream! You are growing up and it's time to start thinking about your future, a real future!_  
   
My father's voice suddenly explodes in my head like a wave against the rocks. His words bring me back to reality: a reality where I am nothing but myself.  
For a moment, I had lost sight of that reality. I had thought I was like Aladdin, with his magic carpet that could have taken him anywhere in the world, if only he had expressed his desire.  
But in my world, magic doesn’t exist.  
Suddenly I let go of the helm, clenching my hands into fists. Levi immediately takes my place, keeping the route. He blocks it, before turning to me. I stepped back, until I touched the parapet with my back.  
   
«Eren?»  
   
I don’t want to answer his questions.  
I don’t want to have to tell him that the dream he offered me is totally unrealizable. I don’t want to become a disappointment for him. I read concern in his eyes as he approaches me a few steps, as if he were uncertain about how to behave.  
   
«Ohi, it's all…-»  
   
«I'm sorry, Levi.» I interrupt him, shaking my head. «I can’t.»  
   
«You can’t, what?»  
   
The closer he gets to me, the more I move along the parapet.  
   
«I can’t afford to dream about certain things.»  
   
«What the fuck are you talking about, brat? And stop moving!»  
   
I cross my arms. We are close to the point where Levi recently made me fall into the water. The day that he calls my “communion with the sea”.  
I look down at the life preserver near me: I have to talk to him clearly now. Immediately. I don’t want to continue to fuel hopes, only to see them die suffocated once back on the dry land.  
I know what I'll say to him: Levi, I'm crazy for you, I want to date you, but stop trying to turn me into something I'll never be, just because I made the mistake of telling you about my crazy baby dreams. I will live my life as it was planned, with you, as long as you want it.  
A perfect, clear and concise speech.  
A speech that I have no opportunity to do.  
As soon as I open my mouth, what I can only describe as an explosion makes me scream. A column of water rises from the sea, splashing both. My body moves before the mind can hold it back: I back off, but I don’t find any floor to support my weight.  
I hear Levi screaming and immediately after, my body collides with the water.  
It's icy, it soaks my clothes, making me heavier.  
The impact was so violent and sudden that I felt like I had hit my head. The rational part of me is thanking my habit of going barefoot for the boat, because if I had worn my shoes, going back to the surface would have been doubly difficult.  
I give a couple of strokes, then a movement and a sound force me to turn around.  
My eyes burn on the seawater, but I can hardly bring into focus what is in front of me.  
And suddenly, I'm not in the hurry to re-emerge.  
A pair of whales are swimming calmly and placid before me. They are a pale blue, that the sun's rays strike through the surface of the sea. They spin, turn, make slow somersaults in the water. The fins, as if they were caressing each other.  
Their song reverberates in a thousand echoes, so beautiful as to make me forget the strong burning that I begin to feel in the lungs. They always talk about the whale song, but no record I have ever heard is remotely comparable to this.  
I can not look away from them: they are so beautiful, so free. They have an endless ocean at their disposal, in which they play and chase each other, which they explore during their long migrations.  
Who knows how many ships they have met.  
How many people have admired them, how many times have they stopped on the surface to be warmed by the sun's rays, before plunging into the black depths that for them have no secrets.  
I find myself envying their life, wanting it for me. At all costs, at any price. I want to be able to sing the song of the sea with them.  
One of them, the smaller one, starts to turn and slowly swims in my direction.  
I come back to myself and startle, now frightened, a mistake that makes me lose precious air that I see rising to the surface in the form of bubbles.  
I move my legs and arms and push myself upward, suddenly aware of how strong the pain in my chest is.  
I had not realized that I had gone so far, with the fall.  
Although I'm swimming, the surface doesn’t seem to be closer. I feel more and more the instinct to cough and breathe, but I fight him, aware that it would be a death sentence for me.  
I try to go up, but now I can hardly keep my eyes open. They burn as if they were on fire and I am forced to close them.  
I'm scared.  
Then something presses against my back. I break the surface of the water and take a long breath of air, coughing and spitting.  
With my hand I touch something and cling to it, to recover, to breathe.  
I open my eyes and scream.  
The little whale I saw coming against me is here by my side. It does not seem troubled by my presence and keeps me afloat, allowing me to lean on one of its fins.  
I open and close my mouth, without knowing what to say. Even the other emerges, a few meters from us, spraying water from the breather.  
   
«Eren!»  
   
His voice calls me and I look for him with his eyes. My eyes are red and aching.  
Levi is on the lifeboat and approaches quickly, using the small rudder of the engine to move. He is pale and looks at me as if he has seen a ghost.  
I can’t help laughing, seeing him like that and I think his concern seems surreal, as if being saved by a little blue whale is something that happens every day.  
I pull away from her, to go to meet him. As soon as our hands touch, Levi lifts me on the lifeboat almost weightless and wraps me in a blanket.  
   
«What the fuck were you thinking?!» he shouts, out of his mind, before squeezing me tightly in his arms.  
   
I hug him, unable to stop smiling. I press my face against his neck,  
   
letting him caress my hair, reassuring him.  
Another spray brings the attention of both back on the whales. My little friend emerges from the water, waving her tail in our direction, before diving into the ocean, causing a wave that rocks our boat. Their song reaches us again, clear as if they were a few inches from us.  
I stand up and bring my hands to form a circle around my mouth.  
   
«Uuuuuuuuuh!» I shout as loud as I can, imitating their magical sound at my best.  
   
Levi, next to me, looks at me with a look halfway between surprise and astonishment.  
   
«Hey» I tell him, coming back to sit next to him. «Don’t worry, everything's fine!»  
   
I surround my face with my hands, placing on his lips a long kiss that taste like salt. He hesitates, just for a moment.  
   
«Eren, you are…»  
   
«I've decided what I want to do once I'm back on dry land» I tell him, moving my dripping hair off my face. «I want to become a Captain.»


	14. Storm [Pt 1]

_[Levi]_  
   
Have you ever watched the smile born on someone's face and felt the heart stop? Have you ever wanted to stop the time in that exact moment, to be able to observe that expression for the rest of your life? Have you ever realized that only that would be enough to make every single minute worthy to be lived?  
Have you ever tried to kiss one of those smiles?  
My heart has never beaten so hard like when I saw Eren fall. I screamed his name, then my body moved by itself. I closed the sails, threw the anchor and lowered the boat in less than a heartbeat. When I finally could lift him on the boat with me and hold him in my arms, making sure he was fine, I felt such relief, as if I could finally get back to breathing.  
The salt on his lips does not bother me. While he kisses me, his eyes are so bright and full of emotion.  
   
«So, how do you see me as a captain?» he asks me as soon as we get back on the boat.  
   
I hesitate, knotting a rope, before answering «Not bad» and making him laugh.  
   
I send him to the cabin, where he has the order to dry perfectly, to avoid making us both sick. It’s very difficult for me not to follow and help him stripping, especially after this morning.  
I lean on the helm, closing my eyes. I drown in the memory of the sound of his excited voice, of the way his body trembled against mine, his fingers clenched on my shoulders. My name on his lips.  
Imagining to push me further, with him, inside him, almost made me lose my mind, but once again it was the innocent and uncertain light of his eyes that awakened me. A light that I want to protect at any cost, for which I am willing to wait.  
For Eren, the boy who dreaming of the sea with all his strength managed to reach it.  
The boy I'm inevitably falling in love with.  
   
«Can we look at the stars after dinner?» he asks, as he sets up our little table.  
   
I don’t look up from the charts and my answer is a brief sound that Eren interprets as consent.  
He starts humming, while he cooks, filling the cabin with the sound of his voice, on the rhythm of some incomprehensible but pleasant jingle.  
   
That night the clouds cover the sky, so we can not look for the constellations.  
He looks disappointed, so I lightly stroke his hair.  
I promise we'll do it the following evening.  
 

*********

  
«It's colder today, or am I wrong?» are Eren's first words when he wakes up in the morning and opens one of the portholes.  
   
I haven’t moved out of bed yet and frankly I am hoping that he will return.  
I grab him by the shirt, pulling it until he agrees to follow me again under the sheets.  
The air that enters the porthole is really cold and his body is warm. Eren puts his cheek on my shoulder and begins to draw small waves on my chest, making me feel a slight tickling sensation. I play with his hair, enjoying the peace of that moment.  
   
«Levi…»  
   
Peace finished.  
   
«Hm?»  
   
«In five days we will be on dry land.»  
   
I don’t stop caressing it, but I lick my lips. I have no idea what's going through his mind and I hope it's nothing stupid.  
I don’t answer him and he keeps silence.  
After almost five minutes, I am convinced that the speech has ended there. He hasn’t moved in all this time and doesn’t seem willing to do it. I need a coffee and I try to get up when I suddenly find him sitting on top of me, with his hands on either sides of my head and the most serious and fierce eyes I've ever seen on him.  
   
«Didn’t you hear me?» he asks quietly.  
   
I hold his gaze.  
   
«Yes. We’ll be back on dry land in five days.»  
   
«And you don’t care?»  
   
«What should I have answered you?»  
   
«Something different from silence, maybe!»  
   
«What are you getting at?» I raise my voice, dodging his hands so as to sit up straight, but holding it above me.  
   
«I don’t want the trip to end!» he confesses, lowering his gaze.  
   
I take a long breath, before surrounding him with my arms. Eren puts his forehead on mine.  
   
«Every captain returns to port, once in a while» I tell him, stroking his back with my fingers.  
   
«I have dreamed of the sea for so many years that now the idea that the dream is realized and concluded makes me feel empty…»  
   
«I’ll take you to the sea whenever you want.»  
   
His big emerald eyes meet mine: they shine with the emotion and hope of which I have become addicted.  
   
«Would you really do it?»  
   
«That's what I said.»  
   
His mouth finds mine for a brief moment, but another question blossoms on his lips, separating us.  
   
«And when we're on the ground… It will be all… normal, right?»  
   
«Normal?» I repeat, restraining myself from smiling in front of his silly uncertainty.  
   
«Yes… I mean, you and me… Nothing will change, right…?»  
   
«I don’t know what you're talking about.»  
   
For a moment his gaze becomes confused, almost worried. He watches me and in his eyes I read all the fear that certainly would animate mine too, if the roles were reversed. Then it happens. I can’t avoid it. My mask of fake indifference breaks and my lips curve to form a smile, which Eren welcomes with clear relief and an offended pout.  
   
«Levi! You scared, you bastard» he complains, raising his hands to hold them in a fist, as if he wanted to hit me.  
   
I grab his wrists and lock both his arms behind his back. Eren fights, I hold him. We end up lying back in bed, legs intertwined, my tongue in his mouth.  
There we stay for at least another hour.  
   
 

*********

  
We both dress in heavier clothes, before going out on the bridge. The wind is really cold, clouds of an intense gray are gathering on the horizon.  
   
«Better not to hoist the sails, for now. There is too much wind and it blows in the opposite direction from the coast.»  
   
Eren looks around, frowning. I can see the gears of his brain spinning faster and faster, producing the umpteenth question that will soon see the light.  
   
«How do you know, if you don’t see the coast anywhere?»  
   
«Have you ever heard about _orientation and cardinal points_?» I reply immediately.  
   
Eren blushes, but doesn’t reply anymore.  
   
 

*********

  
The wind increases a lot, around noon. I measure it with an anemometer, even if I don’t need it to understand what is happening. The strength of the wind has already exceeded 30 knots, the clouds at first gray and distant, now they are becoming increasingly dark and close. Eren does not speak, he does not ask me questions. He seems to be afraid of what my answers might be.  
Shortly thereafter, I confined him to the cabin where it’s warmer. I give him the task of preparing lunch. I struggle to convince him to get down, because he insists on wanting to wait for me. He’s nervous.  
He obeys only after having received from me the promise that I will come down as soon as possible and I watch my brat give me a last look before closing the door behind himself. And those eyes are worth a thousand words.  
   
When I finally get back into the cabin, Eren is pouring the soup into the thermos. Eating in the dishes is impossible, with the swing of the boat and he managed to get a good idea all by himself. I could almost feel proud of him.  
   
«Your nose is all red!» He chuckles, looking up at me.  
   
«Do you want to be out there to freeze your ass, to secure the ship?» I ansie, annoyed, sitting down at the table.  
   
I'm shaking, damn waves and their icy splash.  
   
«I’d go there if I had the slightest idea how to do it!»  
   
_As if I could ever let you out with a weather like that._  
He wraps me in a blanket and kisses my wet hair. As soon as I bring the thermos to my lips and the hot soup comes down my throat, a moan of relief escapes me. Eren shows a satisfied smile, starting to drink his own.  
My body slowly regains sensitivity.  
I decide to spend the rest of the day in the cabin: going out is impossible, because the cold and the wind would make us sick.  
I’d like to read, but I know I wouldn’t last ten minutes: it’s impossible to keep Eren in a closed space without doing anything.  
He’s not physically capable of it. Thus an afternoon of apparent peace turns into a test.  
I interrogate him on the various parts of the ship, we review the nautical charts, which Eren finds rather difficult.  
The darkness drops quickly, more than usual and with it the first drops of rain also arrive. My barometer now leaves no room for doubt: a perturbation is coming, of those that create a lot of headaches, but it doesn’t scare me. It can damage the ship, but the hull is strong and well balanced. I just have to keep Eren as calm and distracted as possible from what happens outside the cabin door.  
It seems calm at first glance, but he’s sitting on a corner of the bed. He is pale and his hands continue to torment a piece of rope, trying to create a knot.  
The roar of thunder makes him jump and I find myself again forced to close the book I was trying to read.  
I've never spent so much time finishing a chapter.  
   
«Ohi» I call him.  
   
He doesn’t look at me, he keeps his eyes on his knees.  
   
«You don’t have to worry, you know it?»  
   
«I'm not worried. Why do you think so?» He replies, without even looking at me.  
   
I frown, then I move. I reach him, lift his face, carrying one of my hands under his chin. I immerse myself in his irises, impossible and frightened.  
   
«You're safe» I mutter, watching his face blush. «I won’t let anything happen to you.»  
   
He runs the tongue over his lips, uncertain how to react.  
   
«I know… But it's not easy…»  
   
He still holds that piece of rope in his hand and continues to let it slip through his fingers. I take it out, make a quick knot and pass it around his wrists.  
   
«E-Ehy?!» he protests, but now his hands are tied.  
   
I easily drop him lying on the mattress and block them over his head. Now I look at him from above and I can fully enjoy his face blushing, his eyes shining with an uncertain light between confusion and curiosity.  
   
«What are you doing?»  
   
«I help you distract yourself.»  
   
He blushes and licks his lips.  
   
«Do you want to keep me tied all the time?» he asks, rising towards me.  
   
«Do you have a good reason why I shouldn’t?» I answer him, leaning forward.  
   
Our mouths meet halfway. I feel him hold his breath and so I do. Right now, in this corner of the world, Eren is the only thing I want to occupy my senses with.  
His hands move, fighting weakly when his instinct to grab me collides with the obstacle of the braided rope. His lips are red and shiny, black and intense the pupil in the middle of his iris, which brings together more light and colors than the coral reef. I touch his lower lip with my thumb and his mouth opens obediently to my will. With each passing day, it’s increasingly difficult not to give in to the temptation to make him mine, once and for all.  
   
«Levi…» he calls me. My attention moves from the dream back to reality. «I-I want…»  
   
He will never finish that sentence.  
A roar above us does it. A strong and dry blow, which for a moment makes my blood freeze in my veins. I curse, moving away from Eren.  
He frees his hands, but remains seated on the bed, while I run to the cabin door. I unblock and open it: a frozen and violent wind invades the warmth of our cabin. I tighten the door handle with both hands and go out, just enough to look around me.  
I don’t like what I see at all.  
Shit.  
I get back in the cabin.  
I have no time to pay attention to Eren, who doesn’t speak.  
He stays sitting on the bed, on the edge, in tension ready to move at any signal of something that wrong.  
And that's exactly what he does, as soon as he sees me open the wardrobe and take out raincoat and boots.  
I anticipate him. I really don’t have time to waste right now.  
   
«The winch that kept the mainsail must have cracked. If I don’t go immediately to fix it, we risk losing the sail» I explain, lifting the hood over the head and tightening the laces under the chin. «I don’t want to risk that this wind blow it up, at the mercy of the waves. We would no longer be able to control the boat.»  
   
I'm going out, but something stops me at the last moment. Something in my fucking brain leads me to turn around and look one last time at his beautiful eyes, my personal corner of peace, now destroyed by the fear that invades them.  
   
«Stay here. Don’t go out for any reason.»  
   
I go out and close the door. _Eren is safe_ , I keep telling myself. But he won’t be for long if I don’t hurry up to fix that winch.  
I grab a rope, I create a resistant knot and I pass it around my waist. Then I anchor my safety rope to the ship. This will prevent me from being thrown overboard, if a wave should surprise me, but I find it a remote hypothesis.  
I don’t plan on staying out here long enough to risk it so much.  
I walk up the bridge, reach the fucking winch. The sail slams violently, the ropes swirl around, carried by the wind. I have to be careful not to make myself hit: at this speed the effect would be practically like a whip on the face.  
I stoop down and reach the winch in small steps. I don’t even know why I put on the raincoat: it hinders my movements and I still have water even inside my pants.  
Puffing, I start to fix the sail as best I can. The thought of the dry cabin, the hot body of my brat waiting for me, give me the right motivation to work as quickly as possible.  
I want to go back, come back to him and reassure him.  
I hate that he’s afraid.  
Tighten the last knot, I check them all again.  
They are okay, they should hold up well until the end of the storm. Then I will be able to fix it calmly. Actually I could have it be repaired by Eren, at least he would learn something.  
I'm about to go back, when I see a wave from a distance, bigger than the previous ones. It is fast approaching and I decide to maintain my position: sheltered behind the tree, I can dampen the impact of the water and return calmly to the cabin after that.  
I watch it arrive.  
There’s something magnificent, I must admit, in the feeling that the infuriated water can give you. That white foam, like the drool of a hydrophobic dog, the roar of the storm is its subdued and constant growl. The waves are able to wipe out everything in their passage and have a strength that I can’t help but admire.  
I close my eyes when it crashes on the bridge. My ears are filled with the roar of the struck wood and… a scream?  
I get up so fast that I slide on the wet floor. I have to hold onto the tree, but that doesn’t prevent my eyes from seeing the only thing that could scare me more than the angry ocean.  
   
«Eren!» I shout, stepping forward.  
   
I don’t care about the waves anymore, not now that they have washedSì  over him and are dragging him against the larboard’s railing.  
The hood slides back and the heavy rain hits my face, but I don’t close my eyes.  
I keep them fixed on him.  
On that damn brat who didn’t follow orders and went out in the storm.  
On the boy who lost his torch, which now lies shattered on the bridge.  
On Eren, that the sea tries to take away from me.  
I'll have to die before allowing it.


	15. Storm [Pt 2]

_[Eren]_  
   
Storm.  
Raindrops, painful as pinheads on my face. The icy wind rips every ounce of heat that my body possesses.  
The sea, I don’t recognize it.  
I've never felt so small and insignificant in my life. The waves have become walls, tens of meters high. They tower over me. They deprive me of the vision of the horizon, take away the freedom that I had dreamed so much and that they had given me.  
Now they are taking everything back and I feel lost.  
Lightning explodes with the same roar of a bomb. It shatters I don’t know where, but I don’t even want to know it. I just hope it wasn’t another ship, its goal.  
I don’t know what to do.  
I know I had gone out for a reason, but now the fear has swept it out of my mind.  
I paralyze, until it’s the sea that takes me away with him.  
 

*********

  
_About an hour before…_  
   
Levi does nothing but continue to check the barometer, a kind of compass, which he explained to me is used to measure atmospheric pressure and indicates the approach of a perturbation.  
He seems calm, reading his book, lying comfortably in the middle of the bed despite the swaying of the ship and the constant sound of rain over our heads. On the contrary, I can’t stop looking out of the closed porthole. The clouds are getting darker, lit from time to time by some lightning.  
When the wind changes, the drops hit the glass violently, then disappear again.  
To distract and keep myself occupied, I picked up one of the pieces of rope with which I practice knots, but my focus lasted less in a minute and now I do nothing but turn it in my hands, so fast that I will end up consuming it.  
The sudden roar of a thunder makes me jump and Levi poses the book he is reading.  
   
«Ohi» he calls me.  
   
I do not look at him, my eyes fixed on my knees, that I'm fighting so as not to bring to my chest.  
   
«You don’t have to worry, you know it?» he esitate before speaking.  
   
He doesn’t seem used to comforting people who walk on the edge of a panic attack.  
I try my best not to show it.  
   
«I’m not worried. Why do you think so?»  
   
Even without looking at him, I can picture the expression on his face: his thin lips, his eyes narrow, his forehead frowning as he thinks of the next thing to tell me. I feel him moving and he reaches me, sitting down next to me. He lifts my face, carrying one of his hands on my chin, forcing me to look up and meet his wonderful icy eyes.  
   
«You’re safe. I won’t let anything happen to you.»  
   
His scent hits me and my cheeks inevitably blush.  
   
«I know… But it’s not easy…»  
   
I lick my lips: my mouth is suddenly dry. The skin he is touching seems to be on fire.  
With a quick movement, he takes the rope from my hands and creates a knot. I don’t even have time to figure out what it is, because he tightens it around my wrists and blocks them above my head.  
   
«E-Ehy!» I try to protest, but it's easy for him push me, my back against the mattress.  
   
He looks at me from top to bottom and I don’t know how to interpret the turn that things have taken. Only that I like it. I like so terribly much seeing him above me.  
   
«What are you doing?» I ask, as I settle myself as best I can between on blankets.  
   
«I help you distract yourself.»  
   
Exactly the answer I was hoping for. I keep a smile and continue to play my role: the young boy unjustly tied up, who doesn’t know what to expect from his captain. In reality my fantasy gallops.  
   
«Do you want to keep me tied all the time?»  
   
I ask him, gust to be sure, while I lift up enought to meet him.  
   
«Do you have a good reason why I  shouldn’t?»  
   
We kiss and my breath stops. Lost in his heat, neither the thunder of the storm, nor the screams of the wind are important: I have forgotten even where I am. Instinctively, I try to free my hands, but the knot holds them firmly, one wrist pressed against the other and locked above my head. I bite my lips when he touches them with his fingers.  
I want him to kiss me,  to take me, and every cell in my body is screaming it.  
I want him.  
I'm sure, absolutely, this time I have no doubts. I want to ask him, I want to insist.  
I want to make love with him.  
I open my legs slowly: I want to tighten them around him and I won’t let go until he has listened to me.  
   
«Levi… I-I want…»  
   
Something explodes.  
I don’t know how to define it, that deafening noise over our heads. The only sure thing is that it terrified me.  
Levi suddenly turns away from me, cursing.  
I see him open the door and I shelter myself with a blanket, from the strong violent wind that invades our warm cabin. Levi clings to the door handle and looks around. He clenches his teeth.  
His expression has changed completely and now I'm really scared.  
He doesn’t tell me anything. He opens a wardrobe and takes out a pair of plastic boots and a raincoat.  
No.  
No no no.  
What does he think he is doing with those? Where does he think he is going?  
He can’t really go out, can he? He reads me in thought.  
   
  
The winch that kept the mainsail must have cracked. If I don’t go immediately to fix it,we risk losing the sail…» He lifts the hood, tightening the laces under his chin and I look at him as if he had just done a despicable action. «I don’t want to risk that this wind blowitup, at the mercy of the waves. We would no longer be able to control the boat.»  
   
I understand what he’s telling me.  
I understand it, really.  
He knows what he's doing, he wouldn’t go out into hell if it wasn’t necessary. I understand it, I swear.  
Yet right now I would just grab him and drag him back into the cabin with me.  
I would like to yell at him that this is not gonna happen. He’s not going here alone and the sail can go fuck itself.  
Instead I do nothing. I don’t say anything. The seriousness of his eyes paralyzes me on the bed, prevents my legs from moving, my voice speaking.  
He grabs the door handle and turns to look at me.  
He hesitates, as if he wants to tell me something, but the only thing he does is shake his head and turn his back on me.  
   
«Stay here. Don’t go out for any reason.»  
   
He closes the door behind him and the scream of the wind softens again.  
I am alone. And he is alone. Out there, at the mercy of the sea, the wind, the lightning, the rain. Water is a dangerous, lethal friend. Levi definitely doesn’t underestimate it, but how can I stay in bed, warm, when he is in danger like never before?  
He doesn’t even have a real crew to support him, he has only me. The useless brat he has been training for a few weeks, but who in the moment of need can’t help but take refuge in a corner of the bed, trembling and praying divinity that doesn’t even recognize to give Levi another breath.  
I stand still for a few moments, until I hear the clear sound of his steps above my head: then I decide that I'm not going to leave him alone.  
I rush to the wardrobe and take another raincoat: there are no boots of my size, but I didn’t plan to waste time wearing them. I open the door, grab the flashlight and go out into the storm.  
I can’t hear the sound of my thoughts, above that of the wind and my sight fogs through all the water that falls right into my eyes.  
I don’t see Levi anywhere, my heart beats me madly. I take a step forward and put my foot on something: I light it with a flashlight.  
It’s a rope.  
I follow it and I see that a piece has been tied with steady and resistant knots to the boat.  
It must be the safety rope that prevents from getting lost in the sea, even if a strong gust of wind or a particularly violent wave should shake the boat and drop him overboard. I shouldn’t venture out without having one. In my mind, his words reverberate loudly: «Don’t get in my way.»  
I’m no use to him, am I?  
Is there really nothing I can do?  
I hold on to his rope and move, so I can better look around. Finally I see a movement and concentrate my attention there: Levi is working on the mast of the sail, tightening and fixing it, so that the wind doesn’t slip between the fabric. We definitely don’t need any more movement now.  
I watch him for a few minutes, gripping at his rope so forcefully that it almost seems as if I'm holding it to the boat.  
My fingers turn white, they hurt.  
In the light of every single thunderbolt, I see the sky of that day sixteen years earlier, the one I had observed, lying in my warm bed, unaware that those waters that I longed for were swallowing the person I loved most, leaving me hopelessly alone .  
Now the thought that may happen again is unbearable to me.  
No, more. It paralyzes me.  
I can not stay inside that cabin, which now seems more like a prison, without even having the opportunity to intervene; asking myself where he is, what he is doing, unaware that he may be drowning or suffering.  
I absolutely cannot stand it.  
The wind seems louder and louder, high waves crash against the boat, filling the bridge with salty, icy water, which bathes my shoes and clothes.  
I scream when one of them crashes on the bridge, hitting me from behind and makes me lose my balance. I hadn’t even seen it coming and the only thing I can do is be dragged against my will.  
I cling to the parapet.  
Before my eyes, I see the immensity of the ocean, its fury, its rage: how those stormy waters have become dark and black, compared to when I swam into it.  
I clench my fingers hard on the metal and I can’t push back a thought: this is the same view that she saw before died?  
Time seems to stop. One second becomes as long as a whole minute. Even my heart slows down, my breath stops completely. There is salt on my face, but I can’t say whether it was the drops of the sea that have left it or if it comes from my eyes.  
   
«Eren!»  
   
I realize he is calling me a moment before his hands close on my body, pulling me away from the parapet.  
   
He holds me tight and I turn around to look at him.  
   
"What the fuck are you doing out here?" He continues screaming.  
   
I can’t answer, it's as if all the words I'd like to say were stuck in my throat, preventing me from breathing. The expression on his face changes, when he sees the tears that burn at the corners of my eyes.  
Suddenly I'm in his arms, his face pressed against his shoulder, his fingers grab my clothes. Another huge wave crashes on the ship and we are both dragged to the ground: his safety rope prevents us from falling into the water, at the mercy of those waves that come and go, scoffing us, reminding us how small and powerless we are, in that boundless ocean that is their home.  
The hold of his arms saves me.  
   
«Eren!» he calls me.  
   
His voice is breathless and trembles. I don’t know if it's cold or adrenaline.  
   
«Eren, look at me!»  
   
I look up, he puts a hand on my face. Suddenly he seems very calm as if he had everything in the palm of his hand, under control, safe.  
   
«We have to get back into the cabin, right away, before other waves arrive.»  
   
I nod. We get back on our feet, on the rickety bridge of the ship and suddenly find myself unable to walk. I am trembling violently, I have my shoes completely full of water, as well as the rest of my clothes: I am paying the price of my hurry, which has prevented me from properly fastening the raincoat.  
Levi puts an arm around my waist and almost drags me as fast as he can to the cabin door. He opens it and lets me in: I struggle to breathe, but that little air that my lungs receive is warm and this gives me relief. I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror: the dark hair, stuck to the face, the deadly pale skin, the violet lips, dark circles under the eyes.  
I hear the familiar sound of a rope being cut, probably not having to waste time untying it and the door closes behind us.  
His hands are immediately on my body: he undresses me completely, continuing to call me. I hear him, but for some reason I can’t open my mouth.  
I'm so sleepy though.  
Now that I know Levi is safe too, could I sleep? I close my eyes, but his hand hits my face, forcing me to open them again.  
   
«Don’t even think about it, Eren. You can’t sleep!»  
   
«Just… a moment…» I answer, but I'm not sure I've used real words or if only some noise have come out.  
   
I find myself on the bed and a few moments later Levi reaches me. I barely have time to notice that he has undressed too, before the eyelids close, obscuring my sight. I haven’t even noticed whether he wears underwear or not, which I would be very interested in if he hadn’t just punched me in the head.  
   
«I told you not to sleep, keep your eyes open!»  
   
I moan and try to get away from him. I want a quiet place to fall asleep, but his arms hold me and my back clings to his chest. With his hands he’s rubbing my arms and there’s a silver blanket on us, which makes a strange noise every time we move.  
I think I've already seen it somewhere, but I can’t remember when. Or where.  
   
«Talk to me Eren. You don’t have to sleep, you can’t.»  
   
He caresses my lips, my face. I want to answer, but once again my voice doesn’t cooperate.  
   
«Ohi Eren… Do it for me… Stay awake. Tell me something, tell me about…» he  hesitates, searches in his memory. «Tell me about your pirate hat, how was it?»  
   
His body is warm, the blanket is warm. I'm still sleepy, but I don’t want to leave him alone if he begs me that way.  
I open my mouth, I cough. My body is starting to ache, while the heat begins to return to the muscles, the blood circulates effortlessly.  
I close my eyes as my hand clenches into a fist, through a twinge that crosses it and I moan in pain. Levi's lips are hot when they rest on my earlobe, making me tremble against his body.  
He's so perfect…  
I turn to him and meet his gray, worried eyes.  
   
«How do you feel?» he asks again, as I surround his neck with my arms.  
   
«I'm cold…» I answer and I hear him sigh of relief, perhaps because he finally managed to hear my voice.  
   
«It will pass soon… Just, don’t fall asleep Eren.»  
   
«I won’t, if you can distract me…»  
   
I stroke his hair and he moves over me, starting to kiss me. Every now and then my body sends me a twinge of pain, but I drown every groan between the lips of my Captain. His hands are everywhere on me and wherever they touch, my skin is lit by a thousand incandescent fires. I should be impatient, I should be struggling to keep myself from jumping on him, but I feel weak and I think it's the first time I don’t want to provoke him.  
When the kisses get tired of us, we lie down, hugging each other. My legs are tight to his, my chest surrounded by his arms. I feel his abs against my back and on my neck his breath moves the tufts of hair still wet.  
The storm has calmed down a bit, out there and I have no idea how much time has passed since we went out. It could be hours as well as minutes. It's raining, but the boat doesn’t swing as before.  
This sound relaxes me.  
   
«Levi… I'm sleepy» I whisper, playing lazily with his fingers.  
   
«How do you feel?» he asks me again.  
   
«I’m fine… You're soft and warm… And I'm sleepy…»  
   
«Sleep then, Eren.»  
   
I feel his lips press against the base of my neck and I smile, feeling protected. Happy.  
Wanted.  
I love how my name sounds on his lips.  
I love how his body fits perfectly with mine.  
I love his beautiful, serious eyes, which hide a universe of emotions.  
I love him.  
This realization comes a second before sleep and I can’t help repeating it in my mind, inside of me.  
I love you, Levi.  
I love you.  
   
«I love you.»

 


	16. Dreaming the Sea

_[ Levi ]_  
   
   
«I love you.»  
   
His slight snoring, which for days I have heard and considered as a so sweet and relaxing sound, is suddenly a torture.  
Fucking brat, how dare you fall asleep after saying something like that?  
The temptation to kick him and throw him off the bed is high, but I stop just because he's just been sick and I'm aware I saved him by luck.  
The thought hits me in the stomach, like a stone.  
I almost lost him.  
First because of the sea, then the frost. His body fought, he wouldn’t be alive otherwise. I can’t think of what would have happened if he hadn’t succeeded.  
I watch him sleep and I imagine that same expression, carved on his face in an unchanging way. I imagine I can no longer watch his eyes open up to the world, his fingers clench my clothes when he doesn’t want to get up, his voice singing with his mouth closed while he cook.  
Losing him would break me.  
Seeing him die in my arms would have destroyed me.  
   
_I don’t know if it's love what I feel_ , I find myself thinking, stroking his hair, going down to his beautiful half-closed lips, _but I think it's fucking close._  
   
 

*********

  
The storm and hypothermia have kept us awake all night, and when I finally fall asleep the first rays of dawn have made their appearance for a while.  
I've never used to stay so much time in bed, but since I've known Eren the idea of lying down in this way seems like a very valid way to spend the day.  
The first thing I do anyway is check that he’s okay: his heart has a slow and regular beat, his breathing is deep and rhythmic. He is back to being the usual brat full of heat, that clings like a creeper while he sleeps. I move and I feel him seating his position to mine. I realize only at that moment that we are completely naked and I can clearly feel every part of him against my body. I bite my lips to keep myself from the temptation to peek at him.  
If I lift the blanket just enough to let some light pass, I could find out what color our skins have when they touch.  
I fight instinct and decide to wake him up. I’d like to be delicate, but I realize I don’t know how to wakes someone up with gracefully, so I start touching his hair and cheeks.  
Eren doesn’t wake up, but he reacts by coming towards me and starting to moan.  
He does it again, when I touch his neck with my fingers and I don’t even realize I have lowered to kiss him.  
I spread his skin with the warm imprints of my lips, licking the salt of the water that has dried overnight. Later we both have to take a shower, maybe together, why not. At this moment even that tempting thought has passed into the background.  
I understand that he woke up when I feel his fingers in my hair, tighten and tie them. He could tell me to stop, but he doesn’t.  
He sighs and I clearly recognize my name escaping his lips. With a last kiss, I move away to be able to look into his eyes: I need to meet that pair of impossible irises, whose color has become my favorite.  
   
«Are you taking the habit of waking me up this way?» he asks, his voice still tangled with sleep, but his face flushed.  
   
«I don’t think it displease you.»  
   
In response, he pulls me down and hides  
his face against my neck. It takes me a moment to realize that he hasn’t simply slipped in there, but he’s reciprocating every kiss and bite he received shortly before. I bite my lower lip, not to give him the satisfaction of understanding that he took me by surprise.  
But I don’t stop him.  
It’s so relaxing, so warm, his breath. So delicate, so perfect the pressure of his mouth on the thin skin.  
He could tear it, rip it and make blood flow, and the only thing I would say would be «do it again».  
I tighten his hair between my fingers and forced him to bend his head back. I need his mouth on mine and I take it without asking. The moment of initial confusion immediately turns into a warm and wet response, when he opens his mouth, letting my tongue meet his. It is then that something starts to move between his legs, against my thigh, and I can fully enjoy the moment of Eren's realization: he opens his eyes, breath stops. I see him move his gaze towards our bodies hidden under the covers and become so red as to envy the sunset.  
   
«I-I am… We are…» he tries to speak, his voice is more acute than usual for the agitation.  
   
It’s impossible for me remain serious.  
   
«Yes, we are» I chuckle, raising my face so I can look into his eyes. «I had to do it last night, to warm you up faster. I didn’t have time to put on my pajamas. "  
   
Eren looks at me confused for a moment.  
And then I clearly see the fear lighting his eyes, in the moment where he remembers everything that happened.  
The excitement that we had built suddenly dissolved when Eren pulled me down against him, squeezing me so hard I could hardly breathe. He begins to tremble.  
   
«Eren… It's all right, calm down…» I try to murmur.  
   
I try to push him away so I can look at him, but he shakes his head and holds on to me, making that action impossible. I don’t know what's going through his head.  
Shit.  
   
«Eren, let me look at you» I murmur again, stroking his hair.  
   
The vision of his shiny eyes is heartbreaking. I've never seen those iridescent irises express so many negative emotions all together. Even the atmosphere around us changes, the rhythm of his breathing, his smell, the beating of his heart.  
Everything screams of fear, regret, repentance, terror.  
   
«Forgive me.»  
   
His voice trembles and I bite the inside of my cheek.  
   
«I know I've fucked up, I know.»  
   
I wouldn’t have wanted to get into the subject this way, not now, but it happened and I can’t let it go. Eren must know that what he did was the most idiotic thing he could do.  
   
«You took a huge risk. I told you to stay in the cabin for a reason and you-…»  
   
«I'm sorry, but I couldn’t!» he interrupts me, shaking his head. «I really couldn’t stay here. I would’ve gone crazy!»  
   
«You almost fell into the sea, you didn’t have the safety rope.» I would like to sound more authoritarian, but I already see so much awareness and displeasure in his look that I know I don’t need to be particularly harsh.  
   
But I have to make sure that it doesn’t happen again.  
   
«I know, I have no excuse…»  
   
«No, you don’t have any.»  
   
«…but I'm sure I would do it again.»  
   
This is exactly what I didn’t want to hear.  
   
«Are you kiddin’ me? I just told you exactly the opposite!»  
   
«Yes, and I said I'm sorry, but I will never allow myself to stay safe when you're not.»  
   
Now there is a decision in his voice. His eyes are clean and firm, they shine with the fire of determination that I have come to know and I am sure that what he says is the truth. He would be back out there right away.  
   
«In this way you do nothing but endanger yourself, do you understand that?»  
   
«If you hadn’t left me behind, I’d have had time to put a safety rope on myself.»  
   
Oh, now it’s my fault?  
   
«Do you really think I would’ve brought you out there in the middle of a storm?» I pull away from him, getting up from the bed so I can look down on him.  
   
«And you that I would’ve remained here, good and quiet, without even knowing if you, out there, were okay?!»  
   
«You had to execute the orders!»  
   
«I'm not your subordinate!»  
   
He got up too, but sat on the bed. He clenches his fists on the sheets, making his knuckles white.  
   
«You are on my boat, you must do what I tell you!»  
   
«And I've always done it, but I refuse to…»  
   
«You can’t only execute orders with which you agree!»  
   
«And you can’t think that I turn on or turn off my emotions at your leisure!»  
   
«Emotions have nothing to do with orders!»  
   
«Yes, they have! I don’t want to lose you Levi! I don’t know what I would have done if it had happened. And you're an idiot if you really don’t understand it!»  
   
Eren shouts and I feel put on the corner. He’s trembling, but he doesn’t lower his eyes even though they’re bright with tears again.  
I stop, I hesitate.  
I definitely spoke inappropriately and I at least had to admit it to myself.  
Last night, since the beginning of that storm, I had no other thought in mind than him. Eren, his security, his fear that I wanted to make it disappear. Precisely for this reason, seeing him on the bridge, in danger and so far from me, had upset me. He could have slipped between my fingers and I wouldn’t have been able to do anything to stop it.  
I imagine how it would have been in his shoes: seeing his beautiful mouth order me to stay away from him, without being able to help him; seeing him disappear from my sight, without being able to act, to know.  
Neither would I have been able to stay still.  
In this we are similar.  
I sigh and I punt my knee on the bed, lowering myself to take his face in my hands.  
He doesn’t reject me. His fingers immediately reach mine and his eyes look at me, full of expectation: he doesn’t know what I'm about to tell him, he doesn’t know if he has to fight or if we are about to declare a truce.  
   
«You scared me to death.»  
   
His tense expression suddenly relaxes, surprised. He didn’t expect this kind of statement from me and I can understand that: I hadn’t planned to say it so directly, but I couldn’t control myself.  
I see him look down.  
   
«You too.»  
   
Stubborn.  
Before I can answer, Eren hugs me. He sinks his face against my chest, rubbing his cheek there. His breath warms my skin and my arms move before the thought, when I hold him, preventing him from moving away.  
   
«I had never been afraid of the sea before last night. Now, on the contrary, I feel like I'm floating on a monster.»  
   
«The sea is fickle, beautiful and dangerous. Like everything which it’s worth fighting for.»  
   
He nods slowly to my words, then leans back, inviting me on the bed again.  
   
«Levi…»  
   
«Hm?»  
   
« I promise to listen to you more if you swear not to leave me behind. I am willing to learn anything, to study double, to train until my hands bleed… But don’t go where I can’t reach you…» he murmurs.  
   
My lips instinctively bend in a slight smile. I make him lie down, placing a hand on his chest.  
   
«Do you promise?» I ask.  
   
«Yes, if you do it too…»  
   
«All right. I’ll train you so hard that you will regret meeting me.»  
   
I can see his laugh even before I hear it. I see it from the way his eyes start to shine.  
   
«This could never happen, under any circumstances!»  
   
«I wouldn’t bet on it.»  
   
«Never!»  
   
«And what makes you so sure?»  
   
«Because I love-…»  
   
He opens his mouth and then closes it again. The atmosphere suddenly changes, because I feel the beating of his heart accelerate under my fingers and I see his face blush.  
I know what's going through his mind.  
Did he remember what he said last night? I find myself hoping so, but I don’t need to hear anything I knew even before he confessed in his sleep.  
I don’t know who moves first, but all of a sudden we are kissing.  
His body slips under mine and his hands are everywhere: in my hair, on my back, my hips, my chest.  
He breathes quickly and moans when my kisses move on his neck. With a hand tightly in my hair, he forces me to stay in that position. When he starts rubbing his ankle on my leg, I understand I'm fucked.  
Having him naked and panting under me is more than I can bear and I won’t be able to stop myself. I don’t usually ask for these things, but I desperately need Eren to touch me.  
And he needs my attention too, judging by how he slowly moves his pelvis against my thigh.  
I let one of my hands slide between our bodies. When I reach his erection, I start to fondle him calmly. His body tends immediately and a sharp and choked moan escapes his throat.  
He looks at me with a mixture of surprise and desire, which then turns into awareness when I take one of his hands and carry it on me.  
His uncertain fingers caress me; his eyes examine every movement and I almost laugh seeing him so focused.  
   
«You like to watch, brat?» I provoke him, discovering my voice more shaky and hoarse than I imagined.  
   
It's a surprise for him too, but he's not just embarrassed. My teasing seems to have motivated him, because his movements become more determined and rhythmic, tearing the first real moan out of my throat.  
   
«Ah… Eren…»  
   
I close my eyes.  
God, those fingers are so hot.  
He licks my lips to get my attention back and I immerse myself in those two wonderful black wells that are his eyes, now that the pupil has swallowed the iris. I find myself thinking that if I were about to die, his eyes are the last thing I’d like to see.  
   
«Levi…»  
   
His voice turns me on. The way he pronounces my name like a prayer loads me. Eren belongs to me and now I want to make him mine. I want him so badly.  
We bite each other, each time always a little harder and the speed of our hands increases.  
By now I feel him groaning with every movement and I'm about to capture his lips with my own when everything stops.  
His hand disappears from me and reaches mine. He squeezes it, pulling it away from his erection and sliding it slowly between his legs, further down, more and more until it stops between the ass cheeks.  
He’s not watching me; He keeps his eyes down, intimidated.  
I frown, but I decide to try. With one of my fingers I push down and brush him right there, where his flesh is soft. Warm. And certainly welcoming.  
His hands clung tightly to my shoulders.  
   
«I-I… wa…ma…’ov…wi…yu…» he murmurs something, but his voice is too low for me to under stand.  
   
«Eren?»  
   
«Please…»  
   
«If you want something, you must say it clearly.»  
   
He takes a long breath, before returning to look me straight in the eye.  
   
«I want to make love with you» he says loudly, firmly. I don’t even have time to answer, before he goes on: «In a few days we will come back to earth and our lives will change radically. I want you, Levi. I’d be willing to wait, but what I want is to be with you now that we are still alone, and no one else can bother or divide us. Dreaming the sea, which for years has been my one and only desire, I have come up to you…» he blushes dramatically and swallows, before concluding his little speech with the only words that are able to stop for a moment my heart. «I want to give myself to the only person I've ever felt I really love.»  
   
I close my eyes for a moment.  
I don’t allow myself to hesitate any more than that, because I don’t want Eren to misinterpret my silence. I don’t want it to perceive it as a rejection.  
I stroke her face, passing my thumb on his beautiful lips that now tremble slightly, due to the tension of the moment.  
   
«It's the same for me too» I answer, opening my eyes.  
   
He smiles at me. It’s sweet and languid the way he looks at me and he rises to rest his forehead on mine.  
   
«Then don’t let me wait any longer» he murmurs, taking my lower lip between his teeth.  
   
«N'est pas nécessaire de me dire, morveux.» [You don’t need to tell me, brat.]  
   
I have no intention of waiting.


	17. First Love

[ Eren ]  
   
This is definitely the worst scenario in which I could have made a confession.  
Yet here I am, loyal to my fucking habit of acting instinctively.  
I would’ve liked to tell him calmly, once back on the dry land, after having lived a part of our lives in a slightly more classical way. I don’t know, a dinner date, a walk on the promenade, introduce ourselves to friends, survive my father.  
This kind of thing.  
But no.  
   
«I want to give myself to the only persone I’ve ever felt I really love.»  
   
I don’t control my voice, my lips nor my desire to throw myself into the sea, when I see him close his eyes.  
Then his fingers caress me, his eyes open and the sweetness that I read in them is enought to melt me against the sheets on which we are lying.  
   
«It’s the same for me too» he replies.  
   
And I would like to kiss him.  
Grab him, squeeze him until it hurts, and kiss him until he loses his breath, but the importance of those words paralyzes me.  
Love.  
Being so important for a person to receive this kind of declaration, to want to spend with them the whole life, for better or worse, facing together every problem and adventure.  
I’ve never been anyone's love. I never thought or looked for a half, but my certainty is absolute when I mirror in his eyes: I want to stay with him for all my life, even if it was a few hours or hundred years.  
I lift myself to meet him, I rest my forehead on his.  
   
«Then don’t let me wait any longer…»  
   
I bite his lip because I need his taste, to make sure I am not dreaming.  
And then, without warning, Levi does the only thing I couldn’t have imagine.  
   
«N'est pas nécessaire me le dire, morveux.»  
[You don’t need to tell me, brat.]  
   
The thrill that runs down my back at the sound of his voice is real. How is it possible that it appears so different, when the only thing that has changed is the spoken words? The way he growls the R, the barely visible tongue’smovement between his lips as he whispers those syllables that are incomprehensible to me, but definitely exciting.  
I can’t help answering, but they are not words coming out of my lips, more a strange, shrill sound. Levi smiles and his gray eyes shine with lust.  
   
«Cute» he makes fun of me, and I growl.  
   
His lips shut me up the instant they reach my neck. He sucks the soft skin immediately under the ear and judging by the tingling that I feel, I am sure that tomorrow I will have a clear red mark.  
It's not enough, I want more.  
His movements are clearly different from other times. He seems more firm and I understand it from the way his body slides against mine, blocking me against the mattress. He knows that this time I won’t run away, but he assures himself by hugging me.  
   
My fingers find his hair and pull them, to conduct his kisses where my body requires attention. I arched my back leaving him free field and Levi slowly descends from neck to chest.  
I don’t know what to do when the wet heat of his tongue finds one of my nipples. My body reacts automatically, making me moan and excite, but my mind is very conscious of everything that is happening.  
Should I touch him? Or should I let him tell me what he wants? How do I take the initiative without risking interrupting what he's doing to me? Because I absolutely don't want it to stop.  
His hands move gently on my body, learning to know every inch of it. I can’t help but go towards him, my lower lip between my teeth.  
   
I could grab him by the shoulders and reverse the roles. I bet it would be a real surprise for him. I bet he doesn’t expect me to overwhelm him.  
I reflect on it, I consider my options.  
Now as never before, I regret not having had other experiences.  
My thoughts go blackout the moment he bites me and starts sucking. I forget all about stoicism and resistance, bending my head back.  
   
«Ah!»  
   
I know he's smiling, without seeing him. I feel him.  
As soon as he moves away from my body, I let out a frustrated whine.  
   
«You're strangely quiet, Eren…» he provokes me, making me blush.  
   
What does he want me to do, to start singing? If I opened my mouth, the only thing that would come out would be imprecations and prayers to stop wasting time and start touching me as I have dreamed for weeks.  
Levi instead puts himself sitting between my legs, which I immediately press against his hips.  
He caresses my stomach, drawing small waves with a finger, descending every second a little lower. He doesn’t seem to be in a hurry.  
His warm fingers gently squeeze around my still soft cock.  
I close my eyes. I'm too embarrassed to look at him, but I hear him.  
I can’t help hearing him: his breath, his warmth, his erection that touches my thigh.  
Up and down, up and down.  
The palm of his hand gives me the pleasure I need to finally start to relax. It's still so unusual for me to let someone touch me like this. Drops of pre-seminal fluid begin to wet his fingers, making movement easier and if possible, even more pleasant.  
And the more pleasure increases, the more I begin to want to be able to feel it _with him_. It's a non-trivial effort, but I force myself to open my eyes and sit up. His hand doesn’t move, but his gaze informed me of all his curiosity.  
Unsure, I press my legs behind his back, pull him closer. Sitting facing each other, I begin to touch him with one hand. I place the other gently on his face, letting it slide to the back of the neck.  
The invitation is enought to make our mouths meet. We kiss for a long time, suffocating each other’s moans. Under my fingers, I feel Levi's body react and I feel a bit of pride.  
My attentions are those he seeks: my kisses, my caresses, my body. Me.  
Just me.  
I pull away from him, starting to suck his earlobe with the intent to hear him groan, but my plans go up in smoke. His hands grab my wrists and I find myself with my back against the mattress.  
   
«H-Hey!»  
   
«We will not end it so soon…»  
   
His voice is deep and husky. Each of my protest goes off immediately. Evaporates. I just want to hear it again.  
   
«We are only at the beginning.»  
   
It sounds like a promise to me.  
The kisses start again, but my attention is all for his hands that are making their way between my legs, spreading them gently, as if afraid to scare me with too abrupt movements. And maybe it would really be like that.  
It's going to happen, right? It's starting and I find myself fighting with myself: on the one hand, the mad desire to feel him against me, inside me; on the other, the inevitable fear of making a mistake, ruining the atmosphere, not letting him experience any pleasure.  
Levi immediately perceives my change of mood.  
   
«You don’t have to do anything that you do not want to…» he murmurs, withdrawing himself enough to be able to look at me.  
   
Our eyes meet and in his I read everything I need: sweetness, attention, care, apprehension, desire, lust. Love.  
I shake my head, without being able to avoid smiling.  
I'm not scared anymore.  
I lie on my stomach and Levi sits back between my legs.  
The box of condoms that had so embarrassed me the first day, now appears as a blessing.  
I observe in silence, while Levi takes it from the small shelf above the bed. I had never realized that it had been there all this time.  
   
«We don’t have lube, so we’ll improvise a bit» he says, opening one of the condoms to insert the index and middle fingers of the free hand.  
   
It's cold and slimy for the oil that covers it, but still manages to tear me a gasp, when it slips between the butt cheeks and the index begins to massage my hole. When the tip begins to press more firmly, I hold my breath and concentrate, to relax my body.  
Levi is calm and constant. He takes his time, gives me mine. The pain I feel is not comparable to anything I've ever felt before.  
It is cold and burning together. My body tends, trying to escape it by instinct and I clench my teeth, until the flesh begins to give way slowly and the pain fades into shivers of pleasure.  
   
«Ah…»  
   
I squeeze my fingers on the sheets, when the middle is added to the index. Now I no longer control the sounds coming out of my lips, while he moves inside me, preparing me for something even better. It’s this perspective above all that makes me lose my mind. He pushes and bends his fingers, spreading them and turning his wrist. I squeeze my eyes, pressing my forehead against the mattress when, unexpectedly, a burst of pleasure, almost painful, electric, crosses me, making me jump and tearing my first real scream. I blush immediately, while behind me Levi smiles satisfied.  
   
«Found it.»  
   
I have no idea what he just found, but I’m praying him to do it again and again, please, please.  
   
«As you wish.»  
   
Fuck, I didn't realize I spoke out loud. Shame doesn't even pass through my mind. My body tends, jolts, my voice shouts again freely whenever Levi returns to press against that magic spot inside my body.  
I hardly perceive the pressure of his kisses, which he lays on my shoulders and back, dragged by the rhythmic movement of his fingers in and out of my body.  
Pointing my knees in the mattress, I push back towards him. I meet him, crying my pleasure, but Levi blocks me again against the sheets, using his own weight to trap me under him.  
   
«Serein, morveaux, nousavons tout le temps.»  
[Calmly, brat, we have all the time.]  
   
God, I've never been so excited in all my life.  
When his fingers slide out of my body, I find myself sighing shattered. This feeling of abandonment, of emptiness, is so hateful. So intense is the desire to feel it inside of me again.  
I lift myself on all fours, just turning my face to look at him. I gasp, I feel my face burning and the rest of my body is not better.  
Levi throws away the condom that covered his fingers and a moment later he is on me, his chest against my back, his hard and hot cock between my thighs, rubs against mine.  
I moan again, but my voice doesn't cover his groan.  
   
«I've waited so long for this moment..» he murmurs in my ear.  
   
His hands caress my hips. I clench my fists and I am surprised by my own self-control, which prevents me from imploring him to stop rubbing slowly and fuck me without hesitation.  
   
«Me too… I waited too long…» I can somehow respond, finding a little control over my voice.  
   
«And are you tired of waiting?» he continues, resting his hands on my thighs, making space between them.  
   
I hate him, for this way he has to drive me crazy waiting, but at the same time I know that I could never enjoy this way with anyone else.  
   
«Mhmmm»  
   
«Tell me, Eren.»  
   
Is this an order?  
   
«Yes! Yes, I’m tired! I-I can’t wait anymore!»  
   
«Ask me…»  
   
I can’t resist anymore.  
   
«Levi… Please…»  
   
«Turn around» he murmurs.  
   
He just lets me take two more condoms, which we wear quickly and in my case, almost trembling with impatience.  
   
«Eren…»  
   
I look up to Levi, back in an instant the usual serious and attentive captain I have come to know and love.  
   
«We will go calmly, at your pace» he places a hand on my face. «So, if anything doesn’t-"  
   
«I'll tell you.» I interrupt him. «I understand.» I lift myself up on my arms, reach for his lips and steal a light kiss. «Now, do you want to fuck me, yes or no?»  
   
It's a moment.  
Just time to finish the sentence and I find myself back against the mattress, legs open, tight in the firm grip of his hands.  
A push and he is inside of me. The pain I feel overcomes every other sensation, making me tremble and tighten my eyes, but I fight. I relax the muscles and I open my legs as much as I can, leaving all the space I can give.  
   
«Ah! Fuck!»  
   
«Tch, vierge.»  
[Tch, virgin.]  
   
I tighten my legs around his hips, biting the inside of my lips. I know he speaks in French to provoke me, excite me. He succeeds terribly well and helps to distract me from the feeling that my body is about to split in two.  
It stops burning only when Levi stops pushing, releasing the grip on my legs.  
   
«I'm in… You've been good, brat.»  
   
Should it be a compliment? He doesn’t expect me to thank him, right?  
I hooked my ankles behind his back and ran fingers through my hair, sweaty and uncombed. My gaze is lost for a moment to admire the difference between our complexions. I imagine how this winter they will be, when the sun's rays will not hit us any more, accentuating our tans. I linger on his biceps, swollen and tense, on the muscles that attracted me so much from the first moment.  
Instinctively I pass the tongue on my lips, wishing to taste that skin.  
   
«Merde… Tu est tellement charmant» whispers, drawing my gaze back to his face.  
[You're so attractive.]  
   
«Mhm… Levi…»  
   
«Le son de ta voice m'enflamme.»  
[The sound of your voice inflames / excites me]  
   
«Do you want to keep talking or you gonna move?» I provoke him, smiling.  
   
Levi lowered to rest his forehead on mine, his warm hands gripped my hips, blocking me against the mattress. I sigh in pain, when I feel him come out and then back in, slow and delicate.  
To distract myself I kiss him and his lips immediately open to mine, allowing me to enjoy the taste of his mouth. I wrap my arms around his shoulders, clinging to him to counter that pain, which little by little becomes nothing more than a mere background, when Levi finds my prostate again and starts to press against it.  
I don’t have any problem moaning on his lips and Levi seems to appreciate, responding in the same way, leaving me only to start kiss my neck.  
Soon the cabin is filled with our fast breaths, my groans and deep growls that accompany every thrust.  
A whine escapes him when, after a push stronger than the others, I scratch his back with my nails. I don’t have time to worry if I can hurt him, because from that moment everything becomes even faster, more chaotic and instinctive.  
   
«Ah… Levi, Levi…»  
   
I can’t help calling him, begging him.  
We become part of each other. And this feeling is so damn right.  
His breath melted to mine, his smell in my lungs with every breath, his voice grave and trembling with every movement. The snapping of his hips against my thighs. His hands tighten me ‘till it hurt me and I can’t help but want more: more pain, more heat, more sex, more Levi.  
   
«Captain!» I scream, arching against him.  
   
«Eren…» he replies, making me his.  
   
I feel his thrusts becoming faster and irregular. I feel his pleasure coming.  
I want to finish with him.  
With my fingers I go down to look for my erection, but it is he who finds it first. He starts to touch me, pumping and rubbing to the rhythm of his thrusts.  
If before I had managed to maintain a minimum of self-control, now I no longer have any intention.  
It doesn’t take long to make me come. The seed pours into protection, saving me from the embarrassment of dirtying both us.  
I don’t control my body, which contracts, tightening the muscles around the flesh that is hosting and immediately relaxes.  
I melt on the hot sheets.  
Levi also lies on top of me, breathing quickly, silently. I'm not sure I really noticed his orgasm, but it must have been somewhere between my scream and his growl.  
After almost a minute, an infinite and wonderful minute in which I hold him in my arms, he leans back. He slips out of me and my body reacts trembling, causing me new pain.  
I close my legs and lie on my side, resting.  
   
«Are you okay?»  
   
I hear his voice uncertainly behind me and I moan a yes in reply, without having the strength to turn around to look at him.  
   
He gives me a kiss in my hair, before getting up and disappearing in the bathroom.  
I rest only for a while, with the sounds of water keeping me company and the smell of Levi on the pillow that I hold tight to my chest. I smell him everywhere: on the sheets, in the air, even on me and this is enough to make me feel excited again.  
I feel pleasantly tired and I'm almost thinking of taking a quick nap when my captain comes back to me.  
Without asking me anything, he helps me to sit up and clean myself. My whole body aches and I know that tomorrow will be even worse, but I don’t care.  
I’d do it again a thousand times. Even now.  
   
«Are you sure it's all right?»  
   
«Shh, come here.»  
   
He climbs onto the bed and lies down next to me, extending an arm so that I can lean directly on him. I silently listen to the beat of his heart pulsing a few inches from me and I draw the shape with the index, tickling his chest.  
His fingers caress my hair, twisting some of the longer locks, making them even more ruffled than they usually are.  
I look up: his eyes are closed and he has a relaxed and adorable expression, which makes me want to kiss him.  
   
«Levi…»  
   
«Hm?»  
   
«How do you say “I love you” in French?» I ask, turning to close my eyes too.  
   
«Hm? Why?»  
   
«Just answer.»  
   
«It says “Je t'aime”.»  
   
«Levi…»  
   
«Yes, Eren?»  
   
«Je t'aime.»  
   
His chest trembles slightly, when Levi holds back a laugh and the grip of his fingers in my chocolate-colored locks becomes steadier.  
   
«Je t'aime aussi, morveux» he answers in a low voice.  
[I love you too, brat.]  
   
«Mor-what?» I ask, opening my eyes again to look at him from below.  
   
«It’s your name.»  
   
He doesn’t convince me. It doesn’t sound like my name at all.  
   
«That's not true, it's not my name!»  
   
«Yes it is.»  
   
«It doesn’t sound like “Eren”.»  
   
«Because it's a different language.»  
   
«Liar!»  
   
I try to get up, but he pulls me against him and kisses me again, stroking my back, from the shoulders to the base, along the spine. I melt again under his hands. The kisses last long enough to make me think that, deep down, I don’t care so much about the meaning of that word.  
When he frees me, I start to breathe again and rest my cheek on his shoulder.  
   
«Anyway… Did you like it?» I ask uncertainly, and I feel my face go up in flames, though I still firmly avoid his gaze.  
   
His answer is a laugh.  
I get dragged under the covers and his lips are back on mine before I can react. His fingers in my hair.  
We make love until thr sun rise.


	18. Drop the anchor

_[ Levi ]_  
   
Heat and perfume.  
A soft weight on my arm and something that tickles my nose with every breath. These are my first sensation when I open my eyes in the morning.  
The clock on the wall says nine thirty.  
They are officially almost four days that I can’t make a night of continuous sleep. That I get up late, waking up with Eren naked in my arms.  
My brat, the most unexpected gift that the sea could make me.  
From that first hesitant night of love, he has definitely become used with that unexplored side of his body. If before I had to be careful not to overdo him, now it is almost difficult to keep up with him.  
I hadn’t taken into account how intense adolescent’s lust could be.  
I get up, before he wakes up, forcing me to review my plans. I wash my face and, from the reflection of the mirror, my gaze falls on my neck.  
I look like a fucking Dalmatian.  
Eren likes to bite and I discovered it at my expense. I delicately touch one of the darkest signs. For almost anyone I can remember feeling pain, busy, distracted by other sensations.  
Through the closed door, I recognize the familiar sounds of open portholes, the boiling coffee pot.  
Eren woke up.  
I'm surprised to find him dressed, once out of the bathroom. I'm almost no more used to seeing him wear a shirt.  
   
«Good morning» he greets me radiantly, letting his gaze wander over my body, with no intention of hiding it.  
   
I respond with a gesture, while I quickly get my clothes. Behind me, Eren hums nibbling a biscuit. He looks like the happiest person in this world.  
The radio crackles, making him jump and Farlan's voice inserts arrogantly into our little corner of paradise.  
   
_«Humanity'sStronger, here Nautical School. Move your ass and answer, I have things to do.»_  
   
I ignore Eren's laughter as I grab the radio's microphone.  
   
«Nautical School, here Humanity's Stronger.»  
   
_«Oh, then the threats work!»_  
   
«Don’t try your luck, Farlan» I warn him, sitting on the bed still unmade.  
   
The sheets smell like Eren.  
   
_«All right, all right. I was just calling you to know if you already have a schedule for Tomorrow. I have to organize the berth with the sponsors.»_  
   
I can feel the atmosphere changing in the cabin, while Eren records those words. While I do it.  
Shit, it's tomorrow.  
The discussion of all those hateful organizational and technical details is long and tedious. Farlan only does his job and I know that well, but I can’t help but be annoyed by the fact that his river of words is stealing precious minutes of time. Eren escaped out on the bridge almost immediately, after cleaning the kitchen and leaving breakfast for me, but I'm not hungry. I just want to go out and check for him.  
   
_«Well, all arranged. We're waiting for you tomorrow, Isy can’t wait to hug you. Over and out.»_  
   
That words are music for me. I greet him, I ignore the steaming call of coffee on the table and go out. Eren is sitting next to the helm, his knees pulled up to his chest. He looks at the horizon, where the sea is infinite and the sun fills the waves with plays of light, almost blinding.  
He hears me and looks up, smiling. As soon as I sit next to him, he doesn’t waste time and says exactly what he thinks.  
   
«I forgot that everything is about to end» he murmurs, leaning his head on my shoulder.  
   
I surround the body with my arm, dragging him a little closer to me. I hate seeing him sad and I try to make up for it, even if I'm not exactly the best at raising people's mood.  
   
«Bullshit. Nothing's going to end.»  
   
Eren laughs and the light in his eyes warms me more than the midday sun.  
   
«Are you trying to comfort me?»  
   
«I'm just saying things as they are.»  
   
«The idea of not waking up with you anymore…-»  
   
«I have a bed on the dry land and you should use it» I reply without giving him time to finish the sentence.  
   
«Are you inviting me to your house, Mr. Ackerman?"» he jokes, but I don’t want to laugh.  
   
I really want to calm him down, reassure him that what we have will only grow once we get back. This trip gave me everything I had never thought I could have, which I had never even paid real attention to. I watched the love story between my two best friends being born and growing, never once wanting to be able to imitate them. I lived my life alone, I didn’t ask for anything, I didn’t owe anything. I thought I was free, but only by immersing myself in the bright green of his irises I could understand what true freedom was.  
I lift his face and our lips touch each other in the most natural way.  
In that kiss we promise everything that no one of us is able to express in words.  
Stay with me.  
Don’t leave me.  
Don’t be sad.  
I love you.  
 

*********

   
That night we lie on the deck, on a soft layer of blankets and look at the stars.  
Under the lights of our constellations, we make love.  
 

*********

   
Clouds white and fluffy like cotton cover the sun at times, carrying a strong wind.  
   
«Leave it to me» Eren murmurs, uncertainly, as if it were a request.  
   
I step back, leaving him free to approach the rudder. Slowly, Eren corrects the route and gives me some indication on the sails, which I perform. He learned so much that he is now unrecognizable.  
He doesn’t even look like the same guy I met four weeks ago, because in his eyes there is now a world that neither he nor I thought could exist.  
We stay next to each other.  
The coast is getting closer and none of us seem to have a particular desire to talk. We enjoy the silence of the ocean, more and more often interrupted by the scream of the seagulls, as the earth approaches.  
   
«Levi, thank you…» he murmured at a certain point, making me look around. «This month I think it was the best of my life. Actually, I'm sure…»  
   
Eren smiles, as he pronounces these words, his gaze pointed towards the earth. His hands are tight on the rudder, his knuckles white. I take them between mine and that's my only answer.  
As we entered into the port, the voices of people start to reach us. Eren, as requested by the sponsors, takes refuge in the cabin where he will remain until the end of the short press conference. Despite his presence doesn’t fail in our contract, the time of docking is something on which the sponsors have insisted so much to make Farlan surrender their whims: I have to be alone, at least in front of their fucking cameras.  
I watch him close the door and I move my hair out of my eyes.  
One hour, at most and it will all be over.  
   
«Ehy! Levi!» I hear screaming as I lead the ship to the pier.  
   
Looking up, I see Farlan's bright eyes watching me, his arms waving to greet me. I see him stumble on a rope and almost fall to the ground, in the most idiotic way.  
When the boat slightly hits the dock's wood, I sigh.  
I'm back.  
The journey is over.  
 

*********

   
   
_[Eren]_  
   
I remain locked in the cabin for more than an hour, sitting on the bed, my knees close to my chest. If I close my eyes and cover my ears with my arms, I can still perceive the swaying of the ship and imagine that I am still on the open sea.  
I don’t know why the idea of going down scares me so much.  
It's like when you end a vacation and thinking back to past time, you realize that the hours seemed like minutes. The food was better, the air was sweeter, the days were more fun. I have desired this journey for more than ten years and now that it’s over, I feel empty.  
I learned so much, seen things that I could never have imagined, invented constellations, swam with a whale and found the love of my life, all in less than thirty days.  
This short period of time has been so intense, full of emotions and events that the rest of my life pales in comparison.  
I feel like I just woke up from a very long sleep.  
How do you get back to normal after living in a dream?  
From the quay they really make a lot of confusion. I hear applause, shouts, questions. I imagine Levi at the center of all the attention, with his usual disinterested expression endure all this, praying so that it ends quickly.  
I wonder if Farlan is with him. I bet yes.  
I have no idea how he is, which is pretty strange considering I'm wearing his clothes now. For a month I wore the clothes of a perfect, even if nice, stranger.  
I walk back and forth in the cabin, impatient.  
I don’t know how much time has passed, but many of the port's voices have calmed down. There may be little left for Levi's arrival as well as infinite time.  
What if he forgot that I'm here?  
Maybe taken by the fury of the festivities, the sponsors, his friends… No, what I'm thinking?! Of course he hasn’t forgotten me.  
I'm about to punch myself when the cab door opens wide.  
I turn to the entrance, but my eyes don’t find what I had hoped for.  
A tall boy with ash-colored hair and a big smile is looking at me.  
   
«Eren! Finally I can meet you!»  
   
I recognize his voice immediately.  
   
«Farlan?»  
   
«In flesh and bone! God, I imagined you all different, you know?»  
   
«Same for me.»  
   
Farlan hugs me and for a short and unusual moment I have the feeling of having met an old friend, which is impossible because I'm sure I have never met this guy in my life.  
   
«Thanks for the clothes» I add, as we separate.  
   
«Oh, you’re welcome. I'm the one to thank you, rather. I've never seen Levi this… how can I say… expressive? I guess it's because of you!»  
   
«Oh, well… I don’t know if…-» I start, blushing slightly, but a noise interrupts us.  
   
Levi is leaning against the cabin doorway, his arms folded and his expression annoyed.  
   
«If you have finished fraternizing, I’d like to go take a shower and eat something new, which are not tins or soup.»  
   
«Yes, Captain» I answer immediately, meeting his eyes.  
   
There is a sweet smile on his lips, barely visible, but which I have learned to recognize perfectly.  
We go out together in the open air. The noises of the city overwhelm me. The air is no longer fragrant, but the smell of cars, people and dust contaminate it. For a moment I cough. On one side of the ship, stretched between the bridge and the quay, there’s a sturdy wooden walkway.  
   
«Have you already come down?» I ask Levi, without really knowing why I care.  
   
«Yes…»  
   
Again I don’t know why, but his response causes me a stab in my heart.  
   
«Come on, Isabel is waiting for you to meet you, Eren.»  
   
Farlan's words interrupt the vicious circle of my thoughts. One step ahead of the other, I go down the catwalk.  
Touching the mainland after so long is almost destabilizing: I am no longer used to a floor that doesn’t sway rhythmically.  
Here it is.  
I'm on the ground.  
It's official.  
I'm back.  
I sigh. Farlan is still talking about something that obviously only interests him, because all of Levi's attention is focused on me. I feel his eyes and his fingers intertwine with mine.  
I turn to him and surround his shoulders.  
The first hug on the ground.  
He wastes no time in hugging me back.  
   
«Everything okay?» he ask me.  
   
«Now yes.»  
   
When we separate, Farlan has already surpassed us. He disappeared inside the big shiny blue door that I admired many times as a child, dreaming of crossing it.  
Levi and I approach calmly. The name of their nautical school is engraved on a plaque hanging nearby.  
Rest for a while on the threshold, looking around. A new dream is about to come true and apparently all thanks to the same person.  
We push the half-open doors and they squeak, letting us enter.  
Wow.  
The only word that comes to mind is wow.  
The atmosphere of this school is ancient, but everything is perfectly polished and there is not a single grain of dust. On the walls are hanging decorative objects and photos, lots of photos. Of Farlan, of Levi at the Olympics, their boats, their students and their successes. I stop for a moment to look at all those frames, all the smiling faces of the children who compete to be as close as possible to my Captain to take the picture. He must be really good and I would be curious to attend one of his traditional lessons.  
There is such a familiar atmosphere in looking at these photographs. All those who have gone from here, a lot or a short time ago, are carved into paper, immortal memories of this great family that Farlan and Levi have built over the years, ever greater.  
   
«Big Brother!»  
   
A sharp voice catches me by surprise. I jump when a kind of red lightning passes next to me and slings into Levi, causing him to stumble to keep his balance.  
   
«Isy, you fucking brat, pay attention to how you move» Levi snaps straight away, but his arms are wrapped around the body of the little red girl who threw herself to his neck.  
   
«I couldn’t wait any longer!» she justifies herself, but Farlan interrupts her with a grave tone.  
   
«You know that you should be careful!»  
   
«Once again, Farlan: I'm pregnant, not sick!»  
   
I look at all this aside, but I can’t stop my lips from bending into a smile. Levi's family. They are expansive, confusing, the exact opposite of him, yet I know for sure that for this reason they are perfect to be by his side.  
I cross my hands behind my back and trying to decide if move around the room and look at the pictures would be rude, when that little red lightning strikes me too. I hadn’t seen her at all and my back slammed against the wall, for the recoil. The corner of one of the frames hits my neck, but I don’t have time to feel pain, because a pair of beautiful green eyes look at me from underneath and somehow I can’t look away.  
Even her expression is surprised, perhaps a little enchanted. We look into each other's eyes for a few seconds, then she smiles at me and it's as if all the lights in the room are lit together. This girl is a ray of sunshine.  
   
«Eren, damn it, you're hansome! Of course Levi has fallen at your feet in such a short time!»  
   
I should blush, I should feel embarrassed, but I smile and hug her. I feel her belly pressing against my abdomen and I push her a little away so as not to risk crushing her too much.  
   
«I’m not sure I like those two together…» I hear Farlan murmur, looking frowned in our direction.  
   
Levi is watching me in the same way, with his arms crossed and a raised eyebrow.  
   
I can’t help but giggle again.  
   
«Please, Eren, I want to know everything that's happened.»  
   
«Don’t push it, Isabel…» Levi intrudes, but gains a tongue out from the girl and nothing more.  
   
«Ignore him.If it would be for him, he would live as a hermit, but I want to know everything about you and your journey!»  
   
Isabel is increasingly excited and raises her voice, making it sharp. I know that I won’t be able to avoid telling her everything, also because I'm not going to have secrets.  
We fell in love on a sailboat in the middle of the sea. I don’t think there are so many love stories that can boast of such a past, right?  
Isabel takes me by the hand and the four of us move to a small living room with tables and sofas. We sit there, Farlan next to Isabel, Levi in an armchair and me on another couch. It’s soft and has the sweet scent of time and memories.  
   
«Actually it's not like there's a lot to say…» I start, passing a hand through my hair. «One morning I woke up and I was simply in the open sea…»  
   
«Oh yes, he told us. What a luck, with all the boats, just in Levi’s» the girl giggles.  
   
«If he had been a little closer to the coast, he would surely have made you swim back» Farlan adds, earning a double kick, from Isabel and Levi together.  
   
«Well, I've never been so happy to get drunk in my life…» I whisper, resting my elbow on the arm of the sofa and my cheek on the hand.  
   
A general awww makes me blush, but before one of us can answer, the rhythmic knocking of the door interrupts us.  
   
«Who is it? It’s written that the school is closed today» Farlan complains, but whoever they are don’t stop and the young man is forced to get up.  
   
I see him disappearing around the corner of the open door, I hear the creak of the door.  
   
«Oh, hi» Farlan says.  
   
He seems to know them, but I don’t care about it until I hear the voice respond.  
   
«Good morning. Eren is here, isn’t he?»  
   
I’m frozen. Shit, Armin. He came to the Nautical school.He must have known about today's docking. I move nervously on the sofa, which doesn’t escape the attention either Levi nor Isabel. None of them ask questions, but I know very well what my captain is thinking.  
And I stand up.  
   
«It’s okay Farlan, I’ll take care of it»I say, joining him at the entrance.  
   
It is time to face the storm.  
Re-meetingArmin's blue eyes after a long time makes me a strange effect. We were used to seeing each other almost every day, and now it's been thirty, and I have not even answered him.  
Farlan retires to the hall and we are left alone at the entrance.  
The first thing I notice is his shiny eyes, but it does not surprise me. It is typical of Armin, crying when he is agitated or angry.  
I open my mouth to greet him, but he anticipates me.  
   
«Eren… You’re okay…»  
   
«Yes, yes, I’m okay.»  
   
We stand still and look at each other for a while. What should I say? I start disadvantaged, because I ignored his messages and it's not something I'm proud of. Perhaps I should apologize for having cut him out of my life so suddenly, for refusing to speak to him, as the most childish of children, but again I have no time to think about anything.  
   
«I'm sorry, Eren… I'm so sorry!»  
   
Some tears start flowing down his cheeks.  
   
«Hey, Arm-…»  
   
«No, let me talk… I thought a lot, these days. Really… If you hadn’t wanted to see me again, I would’ve understood it, but I needed to try anyway.»  
   
I stay silent, as he asked me, but it is more difficult than I imagined to remain still and motionless in front of Armin in tears.  
A week ago I was sure to hate him and now the idea of hugging him is all I can think of.  
   
«I was really terrible and I know I don’t deserve anything from you, but…»  
   
«You ran away without even thinking about me…» I interrupt him.  
   
His eyes get up. I perfectly support the backlash of his wounded gaze.  
   
«Yes…»  
   
«You didn’t come back even after you realized it and you left me on the boat, even though you knew anything could happen to me…» I insist.  
   
Seeing him cry is killing me, but I can’t go on like nothing happened. I need to make everything clear once and for all. I want to stop running away from problems, postpone them, ignore them. I want to face everything, because it's worth it.  
Because I'm not alone anymore.  
   
«I-I’m sor-…»  
   
«And you tried to get in touch with me, through the school…»  
   
«I did some research on the ships docked that night and I found out who it belonged to…» he explains, keeping his eyes fixed on the floor.  
   
"It could have ended badly, Arm… I could have gone to jail or ended up in the hands of some criminal ..."  
   
"Eren, please, do you think I have not spent the last month thinking about all this?"  
   
I cross my arms, looking at him without speaking.  
   
«I felt sick, every second of every minute. I couldn’t even study, because I could only think about what happened and… I know that I don’t deserve anything, and I haven’t shown it at all, but I want to change, because… You don’t realize what you have until you lose it… You’re like my brother, Eren… and I… I love you…»  
   
He stops talking in the instant he is in my arms. His hands cling to my shirt and sinks my face against my chest. I hold him tight to me, breathing deeply to prevent me from ending up in this valley of tears.  
   
«Is it a promise?» I ask, without stopping to tighten him and he nods, getting up on the tiptoes to be able to hold me better.  
   
«It's a promise.»  
   
«I missed you, Arm…»  
   
When we separate, we have both shining eyes, red noses and a silly happy expression on the face.  
Behind me I hear a familiar awww and we both turn around, just to see Isabel running away guiltily.  
   
«Come on, I want to introduce you to someone» I say wiping my eyes, before returning to the living room.  
   
Levi stands up as soon as he sees us and I hear Armin hold his breath beside me.  
   
«This is Armin, my best friend more or less for a lifetime» I say, stepping forward. «They are Isabel, her husband Farlan. Co-owner of the School. »  
   
«We already know each other, but it's a pleasure to know you better, Armin» Farlan greets him, shaking his hand.  
   
«And then» I continue «obviously there is Levi.»  
   
Armin nods, smiling ecstatically.  
   
«Yes, you need no introduction Mr. Ackerman» he squeaks excitedly.  
   
Levi comes forward. He joined me and I saw him cordially extend his hand towards Armin. What I don’t expect, however, is the arm that surrounds my hips, pulling me towards him with a little too much vehemence.  
   
«Pleased to meet you, Armin. I'm Eren's boyfriend.»  
   
Oh my god.  
Armin opens his eyes, Isabel begins to laugh and the pressure of his fingers on my skin intensifies a little in a gesture that I couldn’t define otherwise if not possessive.  
   
«Someone is jealous!» Isabe gives voice to my toughts.  
   
Looking down, I can see a slight hint of redness on my Captain's cheeks. Cute.  
I pass my arm around his hips and finally I look at Armin, who seems to be about to faint.  
   
«Yes, um… I have to tell you a lot of things, Arm…»  
   
«You have to tell us too. So why don’t we sit down and start from the beginning? Lan, honey, can you make some tea for us all, please?»  
   
However gentle, Isabel's tone sounds like an order.  
Farlan disappears behind another small door I had not even noticed, Armin sits in the chair that had previously occupied Levi, who has now sat down beside me and shows no sign of wanting to leave me.I'd love to kiss him right now and tell him that his jealousy is adorable, but there are too many people in the room.  
For about an hour we talk about everything that happened. Armin, after the first moments of acclimatization, quickly made friends with the others, even if he continues to throw in my direction that amused looks, every time Levi moves, accommodating our positions so as to keep me close to him.  
I'm almost thinking of proposing to Levi to retire for a while at his house when the front door opens again.  
I don’t hear knocked and everyone suddenly fell silent.  
   
«Did you wait for someone?»  
   
«No, the school is closed…» Levi replies, dissolving the embrace to stand up.  
   
Farlan also imitates him, but none of them has time to approach the entrance.  
On the threshold of the small hall where we are gathered, a man faces.  
He is tall, but with a dry body. Wearing a pair of elegant trousers, a light-colored shirt, buttoned to perfection despite the great heat of August.  
His hair is chocolate-colored, long, tied in a low tail. On his face, covered by a light beard, he wears a pair of gilded and round glasses, which however are not enough to hide the iridescent green irises behind the perfectly clean lenses.  
He doesn’t say a word, while he examines those present until his gaze rests on me.  
   
«Excuse me Sir, but you can’t stay here…» Farlan starts, but I interrupt him.  
   
«No, wait. It's all right» I stand up, sticking my hands in the pockets of my pants.  
   
I catch a deep breath.  
   
«Hi dad.»


	19. Hope

_[ Eren ]_  
   
«Hi dad.»  
   
The room become icy. Only Armin had recognized my father.  
Although I greeted him, he keeps looking at me without saying a word and I honestly don’t know how to interpret this behavior.  
I exchange a look with Levi, who hasn’t moved a step and continues to look in the direction of my father with a frown.  
I suppose that illegally breaking into my boyfriend's property is not really ideal as a first meeting.  
I clear my throat and take a few steps forward, reaching my father. He looks at me as if he has seen a ghost and hasn’t said a word yet.  
   
«Da-…» I start, but the sound of my voice seems to finally have some effect.  
   
The vein on his forehead starts to throb, his expression frowns and his hands clench in fist. And I already know what's going to happen.  
   
«Hey, da-…»  
   
«Have you lost your mind, Eren?!» he screams, looking at me with a fire of anger in his eyes that makes my hair stand on end.  
   
I blush and look down: it’s not at all pleasant to be scolded by your father in front of many people. I feel like I'm back at school.  
   
«Disappear for a month?!»  
   
«I didn’t disappear…» I mutter in a low voice.  
   
«What? Did you say something?!» he exclaims.  
   
I know it's a challenge to repeat myself, he hates when I answer him during the fight. I always do it on purpose. Of course, in this case a scene in front of everyone is just the last thing I want, but I can’t even let him treat me like a child.  
   
«I said I didn’t disappear. It was an accident and we immediately alerted the boat guard, to let you know» I repeat patiently, glancing at Levi and Farlan.  
   
They are my witnesses that what I said is true, but I certainly don’t expect them to intervene. They don’t, in fact. Levi has his arms crossed on his chest and a stern expression that I didn‘t see him from the first days of sailing together.  
My father seems surprised for a few moments, but quickly recovers the ability to speak, or rather, scream.  
   
«What were you doing on a sailboat? Did you want to be imprisoned for theft? I had expressly forbidden you to approach the sea, Eren!»  
   
I take the hit without replying. He is right, perfectly right. Getting on the boat was and will always remain a crime and the fact that they didn’t want to report me is pure lucky.  
I know I should apologize and admit my guilt, but that last sentence makes me lose my mind.  
   
«Forbidden?! You cannot stop me from doing something, let alone forbid me the ocean!»  
   
We face each other and I realize that I have never gone so far against my father. I realize I'm at my turning point. All this can only end in two ways: crushed or winner.  
I have never loved losing.  
   
«Maybe we should…» Isabel murmurs, standing up, but I shake my head.  
   
«No. Sorry, if there is someone who has to leave here, certainly it’s not you» I answer, without taking my eyes off those of my father, as you do with the animals.  
   
«You're not forced to go anywhere either.»  
   
My heart flips when I finally hear Levi's voice again.  
The expression of my father instead is something indescribable.  
   
«Excuse me?» he comments, looking shocked at my captain, who raises an eyebrow in response.  
   
I know him now. So much so that I can physically see the response words forming in Levi's mind and I decide to avoid a massacre, putting myself between them before thoughts become sounds.  
   
«I don’t want to leave. I want this absurd discussion to end. Nothing happened: I fucked up, it's true, but Levi is not angry, he never was.»  
   
My father's attention returns to focus on me. He breathes deeply, squeezes and releases his fists, as if he were trying to calm down.  
   
«Eren, listen… Come home with me and then we can talk about this whole story calmly.»  
   
I look at him: there's something wrong. His voice hesitates, his eyes no longer look for me. My father is behaving in a way that I don’t remember having seen for years: he seems sad.  
I approach him, touching his shoulder.  
   
«Dad… Look at me…» I murmur in a low voice.  
   
He does it. His green eyes are big, shiny. I feel my heart speed up in my chest, as if trying to get out, to run away from what we have just shown: my father is crying.  
All the anger and reticence I felt until a few minutes ago disappeared into thin air. First, seeing Armin cry, hugging him was the most natural thing in the world, but now, in front of my own father, I find myself almost afraid to touch him.  
He didn’t cry from mom’s funeral. From that day of bright sun, which was so out of tune with the darkness that oppressed us, while the empty coffin was lowered into the pit and my father, kneeling on the grass, was holding me in his arms, his face pressed against my little child's shoulder. I remember his hands were hurting me, but the idea of telling him something hadn’t even crossed my mind. That pain helped me not to collapse and I clung to it, while I watched for both the most important woman in our life disappear forever.  
   
«I tought…» his shocked voice brings me back to a reality not so different from that of my daydream. «I tought you…»  
   
I open and close my mouth: I’d like to say something, but I can’t find the strength. I don’t even remember where I am, right now: the only thing I can think of is my father's trembling lips as he tries to talk.  
   
«I can’t lose you too, Eren.»  
   
«B-but…»  
   
«I can’t think of not seeing you anymore. I can’t think of watching you disappear where I can’t do anything to reach you!»  
   
My father raises his hands and his fingers grip tightly on my shoulders. It hurts, but I stay still: it's nothing, I can handle it. I have to do it, because I hurt him this month, more than I could imagine. I tortured him without even knowing it and again, like so many years ago, that pain makes me strong, preventing me from crying.  
   
«I’m sorry…»  
   
Our gaze meet.  
I raise my hands and place them on his chest, trying to keep my voice as stable as possible.  
   
«I thought you had escare…»  
   
«It was an accident. I didn’t want to run away from home…»  
   
«When the coast guard called me, saying you were out in the open sea with a man who…»  
   
«Dad, I'm back now…»  
   
«…and the day of that storm, I…»  
   
Obviously, I gloss over some details: the fact that I went out on the bridge without a safety rope and risked death by hypothermia, for example. After all, I doubt that Levi will snitch on me.  
At least I hope.  
   
«I'm fine, dad. Everything went well, I came back. I'm here…»  
   
Then something happens.  
Something that hasn’t happened for years. One thing I thought I had lost forever, but I had never tried to go looking for. One thing I had missed like oxygen.  
One of my father's hands lays on my back, pushing me toward him. I feel the fingers of the other adhere to the back of my neck. I instinctively put my arms around his neck and we remain there, like two stupid, hugging each other because words have never been our forte, but certain things deserve to be said.  
I feel his tears wet my neck and smile, closing my eyes to keep mine in their place. I feel light, right now, like I hadn’t been for years. I feel good.  
I feel like a child again.  
When we let go, I quickly pass my fingers over my eyes, while my father recomposes hiding behind his pocket handkerchief.  
I hear someone sniffing behind me and only then I remember where we are and with whom.  
Turning around I find Isabel and Armin, sitting close together and both crying silently in secret. Farlan is smiling, standing next to his wife.  
Only Levi seems calm, but I know that his is only a facade. I look over the expression and observe the soft and serene light of his eyes. He is happy for me.  
   
«I apologize to everyone for breaking this way in your school» says my father, after regaining a normal appearance.  
   
Levi just bends his head in a nod to which my father replies.  
This would be a perfect ending for my adventure: all happily ever after.  
Instead…  
   
«Eren, don’t you think you should introduce us?»  
   
I’d like so much to punch you, at this moment, my handsome Captain.  
I sigh, then wear my best smile and try to look as angelic and innocent as possible.  
   
«So… He’s Grisha Jaeger, my father, as I think you all understood. Dad, they’re Isabel and Farlan.» The three exchange a smile and a gentle gesture, before I go on. «And Levi, Levi Ackerman» I specific, instinctively taking a couple of steps back to get close to him. «We were together on the boat…»  
   
Levi loosens his arms to shake my father's hand.  
   
«Thanks for taking care of my son, Mr. Ackerman.»  
   
«Call me Levi and don’t worry. Eren is a born sailor. Sail with him was a pleasure.»  
   
I want to die. Kicking him would be too obvious, right?  
   
«Oh really? Do you think he has talent?» My father seems genuinely surprised and I don’t know whether to feel offended or amazed at this interest.  
   
«Very talented» repeats Levi, bringing his hands on the hips. «He learned by himself, in a few days, things that were only shown once or twice, high-level knots, measuring instruments. He moved and behaved in a completely natural way, even though he told me that he hadn’t been on a boat for a decade. He was really a pleasant surprise.»  
   
Despite having the feeling of being at the school hearings, I am amazed at what he is saying. I knew that Levi found me good, but he had never expressed himself so directly on my abilities. And he's doing it with my father, the man I told him hates the sea and all that goes with it.  
I feel dad's eyes on me. He's waiting for me to say something.  
Instinctively I turn to Levi: our eyes meet and I calm down instantly.  
   
«I loved every minute of this trip» I mutter, looking at those mirror eyes of mine. «It was difficult at first and there were times when I really don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t had Levi to guide me. But I have no doubt that this, all this, is what I want.»  
   
My father does not seem surprised: his expression is worried, upset, but I'm sure he expected something like that from me. He kept me locked in my gilded cage for twelve years and didn’t expect me to get back behind barst, after having had the opportunity to fly.  
   
«Eren, the sea is a huge danger…»  
   
«The whole world is, dad. But if we let ourselves be stopped by “if it happened”, we would never do anything. I want to live, don’t only survive. I want to sail the sea. I love you and I'm really sorry to made you worry, but…» I watch Levi one last time, before continuing. «This is my life and I want the ocean to be part of it.»  
   
A long silence follows my words then my father, fiddling with the faith he always carries on his ring finger, smiles.  
   
«I shouldn’t have expected anything less from your son…» he murmurs to himself, before turning back to me. «Just promise me that you'll pay attention.»  
   
This time I don’t hold back. I can’t.  
My eyes fill with tears and I nod.  
   
«Yes, dad.»  
   
«And you'll finish your studies» he adds, making me laugh.  
   
«I promise.»  
   
Behind us Isabel starts applauding and I feel my face go up in flames.  
   
«What? They were lovely!» I hear her whine, while Farlan and Armin try to convince her to calm down.  
   
Levi puts his fingers in my hair, gently ruffling them.  
   
«Good job, Eren» he murmurs and I close my eyes, smiling.  
   
It’s all thanks to him if today I could face my father. I know he will always deny it, but it is like this: Levi has given me my freedom more than the sea can ever do.  
My father clears his throat and I open my eyes. He is watching me, watching us, but he doesn’t ask for anything. He's not stupid, but probably a heart attack a day is more than enough for him.  
I will address the topic “Levi” later.  
Instead of talking, he pulls out a small leather notebook from his pocket and rips a page, which he gives me.  
   
«What is it?"»I ask, turning it around in my hands.  
   
Together with Levi I read the few words written on it.  
   
«It's an address. Of one of the port's huts. It’s not far from here» my Captain murmurs, pulling the page out of my hands.  
   
«Dad… But what-»  
   
   
«I'll wait for you at home, okay? Do not be late, please.»  
   
He doesn’t give me the time to answer. He kisses me on the forehead, then greets the others with a nod and leaves the school. I remain here, full of questions.  
   
«And now what do I do?» I murmur too loudly.  
   
«I think you should go there» Armin intrudes, standing up too.  
   
«You must go there!» Isabel exclaims. «I want to know what's inside!»  
   
I laugh, then put the page in my pocket and look at Levi.  
   
«Would you come with me?»  
   
«Always» he replies, taking my hand and dragging me toward the exit.  
   
We walk on the quay. Levi guides me because I have absolutely no idea where we are going. I've never been in this area of the port. It is a labyrinth of catwalks and piers, with many huts suspended on the water.  
And I'm too distracted by what just happened to be able to imagine what my father wants me to see in a similar place.  
   
«Here, this is it.»  
   
The door in front of my eyes is enormous, closed by an iron padlock and a chain with a heavy but ancient air. Probably no one has set foot in here for years. In addition to the address on the leaflet is also written a four-digit number: 3003. I use it on the padlock and feel the mechanism click.  
   
«I'm a little scared» I confess.  
   
Levi shakes his head at my side, then puts his hands on mine.  
   
«It's just another adventure, Eren. Together, okay?»  
   
I nod, then we push the doors.  
The noise they produce by moving is infernal and it’s enough to make us goosebumps. Not even a whole tank of oil would be enough to eliminate that squeaking. We only push the bare minimum and slide inside. It’s dark, but Levi triggers a small switch and an old lamp lights up on the ceiling, showing us the inside of the shed.  
I can’t breathe anymore.  
I step back, while my eyes are filled with new tears.  
   
«No. It’s not true. He told me that he had destroyed her years ago…» I don’t recognize my voice as I speak.  
   
My eyes run on rusted parapets, along the rotten wood trees, analyze every inch of that fabric ruined by moths and bad weather.  
Hope.  
My mother's boat, which I had thought lost, seems to smile at me.  
The golden letters of her name engraved on the side shine in the dim light of the lamp as if they were saying hello, happy to see me again after a long time.  
   
«It’s in pieces…» Levi comments, who in the meantime has started to turn around the boat, looking at the hull.  
   
She's much smaller than the one where we lived in the last month and it doesn’t take long to check her all.  
   
«She's been here all this time…» I answer, my hand instinctively pressed against my chest, where the key I always wear around my neck is.  
   
«But recoverable.»  
   
I look at him. Levi is looking at me with his hands on his hips and a slight smile.  
   
«What… Are you serious?»  
   
«Well, it would take a loto f work, but I’m sure-…»  
   
I interrupt him.  
   
«I absolutely don’t know how to repair a boat.  I don’t have the money to be able to-…»  
   
This time it’s he who interrupts me.  
   
«I can make i tone of the School’ ships. We’ll pur it back together with the help of the students: at least they will learn something, working in first person. And for all the rest, do not think about it.  Our school can face the expense of a sailing boat without any problem.»  
   
«L-Levi…»  
   
My legs are shaking, but my captain reaches me in a few steps and holds me in his arms. Finally I cry, hugging him, while his fingers caress my hair and his lips whisper promises as sweet as incredible.  
But it’s Levi who does them and I trust him blindly.  
I've already entrusted my heart to him once.  
I will entrust to him Hope’s one too.


	20. Epilogue

_[Eren]_  
   
_July, the following year._  
   
   
«Congratulations Dr. Jaeger!»  
   
«God no, I look like my father like that…»  
   
My friends laugh and I smile for the umpteenth photo. The leaves of the laurel wreath that stuck in my head sting my neck, but I cann’t take it off now. My father is in a corner and cries like a desperate, inconsolable, next to Armin who now doesn’t even try to calm him anymore.  
   
«Eren, honey!»  
   
I just barely heard her voice that she already hung on my neck.  
   
«Please, you're heavy!» I grumble, trying to support her.  
   
«What?! Are you saying I'm fat?!»  
   
«No, he's saying you're pregnant, sweetheart» says Farlan, who appears in the crowd pushing a stroller.  
   
«And you shouldn’t jump on brats.»  
   
His voice gives me a spontaneous smile, but I don’t go to meet him. No, I wait for him to come to me. It's my day, that's right.  
I put Isabel on the floor and turn around, with my hands behind my back. Levi is in front of me, dressed all elegant and with one of those rare smiles, which I love so much.  
   
«You are here.»  
   
«Of course.»  
   
Our hands tighten and the lips touch each other. We kiss, regardless of who can watch us and the whistles of my friends, who invite us to take a room.  
Which I wouldn’t mind at all, if I have to be honest.  
   
«I'm proud of you» I hear him murmur on my lips and this alone is enough to make me lose my mind.  
   
I vaguely hear Farlan’s voice speak to me, but Levi's beautiful face and his eyes fixed on mine are the worst distraction. He does it on purpose, I'm sure. On purpose he’s smiling like that, like a cat playing with the mouse and always on purpose his fingers are caressing that inch of skin on one side that the shirt, getting up, left uncovered.  
I'm damn well trapped, but I've been since the first moment.  
   
«Hey, hello? Earth to Eren. Dry your drool and answer to Farlan!»  
   
I blush, praying that no one has heard Isabel's comment, as direct as truthful.  
   
«Sorry, Farlan…» I murmured, running a hand through my hair and almost letting fall the laurel wreath, which I forgot to be there.  
   
«I only asked you what you were thinking of doing now that you took this fateful piece of paper» he smiles at me, not at all angry at being ignored like that.  
   
On the contrary, he seems rather amused by the whole situation.  
   
«Oh, I decided to continue studying» I reply, trying to ignore those fingers that still besiege my hip. «I want to specialize in emergency medicine.»  
   
«The first aid hero! Congratulations, a great job, Eren.»  
   
«I bet it will be very challenging!» begins Isabel, but Sasha chooses that moment to literally explode the cap of a bottle of I don’t know what alcohol, scaring everyone.  
   
«Speaking of specialization today brings bad luck, Doctor! Tonight is made to celebrate!»  
   
Jean and Connie literally snatch me from Levi's hands, putting a glass in my hand, but I refuse it.  
   
«You know I've stopped.»  
   
«I thought it was a joke…» Jean looks at me with a shocked expression, for which I can’t help but laugh.  
   
«And he's already busy tonight» Levi says, taking my friends by the shoulders.  
I see them pale and it’s not difficult to imagine what expression my captain is reserving them.  
   
I laugh, looking at that scene that I have no intention of interrupting, but a hand also appears on my shoulder, making me turn.  
   
«Dad, you're a mess» I smile, handing him another handkerchief.  
   
He wipes his eyes again and cleans his glasses, the lenses impossible to use after all the tears.  
   
«I had sworn not to cry…»  
   
«Nobody believed it anyway, don’t worry.»  
   
He squeezes me and I put my arms around his neck. I am a grown and finished adult, yet I always feel small when we embrace in this way.  
   
«Don’t be angry, you know I have to say it: be careful» he murmurs softly in my ear and I rolls my eyes, smiling.  
   
«I promise.»  
   
«I love you and I wait for you at home…»  
   
«I love you too, Dad.»  
   
When he lets me go, I find Levi standing next to me, arms crossed behind his back. He shakes my father's hand.  
I look at them in silence, smiling: my father and my boyfriend couldn’t be more different, but they had accepted each other in record time. Confessing to my father that Levi was something more than the man who had guided me for a month in the open sea had been embarrassing, but he wasn’t the first guy I took home and the only news he had had to swallow it had been the age difference that separates us.  
Once we discovered how smart Levi was and how happy we were together, he managed to forget those stupid numbers.  
   
«Please, Levi…» my father repeats.  
   
«Don’t worry. We'll be fine.»  
   
«I'm sure.»  
   
A quarter of an hour later I'm saying goodbye from the window, while Levi drives towards the port.  
   
«Aren’t we going to get my things from home?» I asked, sitting down, before being reprimanded for not having fastened my belt immediately after getting into the car.  
   
«I've already taken everything.»  
   
«Are you in a hurry?»  
   
«Why, you not?»  
   
Touché.  
We don’t talk any more and I relax, watching the seafront run fast from the window. The radio is low and is a pleasant background to our short trip home. Yes, home.  
And I'm not talking about an apartment.  
Levi parks in front of his school, but he grabs my wrist before I can get off. He approaches me and I close my eyes automatically, opening my lips a moment before they touch his.  
They are delicate kisses, those that we exchange. My heart beats at the rate of a million butterfly wings. He will have this effect on me for a lifetime, I bet.  
His hands open my jacket and fiddle with the knot of my tie. I raise mine to do the same, but I am immediately blocked by a bite on the lower lip.  
   
«Arretê-toi» he orders, making me shiver.  
[Stop.]  
   
I lower my hands and let him slowly slip my tie, without saying a word. But when he presses it on my eyes, making a quick knot, I can’t stop myself.  
   
«Not that I have anything against it, but couldn’t we at least get inside the school?»  
   
I hear him giggle as he tightens the knot behind my back, making my world definitely dark.  
   
«That's not what you think. Not yet, at least. Now come down.»  
   
I blindly look for the handle and open the door, putting my feet on the ground. Levi is immediately next to me and takes me by the hand, guiding me.  
   
«You don’t want to throw me in the water again…» I laugh nervously.  
   
Actually I never know what to expect from him. Especially when he avoids answering me. My feet leave the concrete and meet the wood of the pier, but Levi doesn’t slow down. He drives me on that maze of boards until I stop at a specific point.  
I inhale deeply the air and I recognize all those smells that I love so much: salt, water, cloth, wood, ropes.  
   
«Do you want to leave me in the dark for a long time?»  
   
«No, just another moment…»  
   
He leaves me and I remain motionless. I cross my hands behind my back, waiting anxiously to find out what is hidden in front of me, behind this fabric that prevents me from seeing, but not from feeling.  
Then the knot behind my neck melts and I blink my lashes a couple of times, to refocus the world, different from what I left a while ago.  
And I see her.  
She’s small and long, with a high central tree and two sails blue like the night, firmly lowered. The hull has been painted with a particular shade of green, which recalls blue, but which I don’t think I can define with a precise word. Small lanterns are lit on the bridge, attached to the parapet or to the holds all around the boat.  
   
«Wow…»  
   
Hope is beautiful, more than I remembered, more than I could have ever imagined. I move along the pier, admiring her, with my nose upwards to catch every detail of that structure new and ancient at the same time, like a phoenix reborn from its ashes and now ready to fly again.  
   
«Come here, there's something you must see before you get up.»  
   
Pulling my hand, we go to the stern, the back of the ship. A small blanket covers part of the hull.  
   
«What's that?» I ask, brushing against the fabric, impatient to lift it.  
   
«A gift. I asked Isabel to draw it, she's good with these things…»  
   
I look at him and at his nod I let it fall.  
The four letters of the name of my mother's boat shine golden against the green background of the hull. An trail of stars is born from the E, forming a sparkling river on which, little and black, a boat is sailing.  
It is our constellation, our adventure.  
Levi had it engraved in the paint so that my past and my future merged giving life to a wonderful present. And I do not know what to say.  
I turn to him, which for the first time since I know him, seems to be really apprehensive, waiting for my judgment. He immediately greets me in his arms, when I approach and we stay there, squeezing and letting the silence of that hug to speak in our place. His fingers tickle my neck as he strokes my hair.  
   
«It's all so perfect that it doesn’t even seem true…» I mutter backing away, while I wipe my eyes with my shirt sleeve.  
   
So far I have managed not to cry and I am very proud. I've never been one with an easy tear, but some things are stronger than me.  
   
«Remember to call Isabel later: it's all day she just repeats that she wants to know what you think of the symbol» he mutters, running a hand through his hair to pull them back, a gesture he does whenever he’s embarrassed.  
   
«Definitely» I assure him, turning to run up the ramp and finally set foot on Hope.  
   
I've been there before, during the repair work I personally took part in, but it's been three months since Levi forbade me to come to the port. With the end of the academic year, my university commitments had been so intense that he had taken on the task of concluding the work personally, provided that I concentrated on my studies.  
We both kept our promise.  
The dim lights of the lanterns make everything more relaxing and I walk on the bridge, looking around, breathing the atmosphere and the memories that impregnate those axes. There is still one last place I have to see: the cabin.  
I approach the small entrance door and take the key from my neck. Its original lock was completely destroyed due to time and water, but with a little effort we managed to rebuild another suitable one.  
The mechanism clicks, the door opens to the outside and I let myself slide along the ladder, where each step is a drawer not to waste useful space. The interior is exactly as I remembered it.  
A small kitchen, a small bathroom, a small round table and a chest fixed against the wall. Only the bed has been changed and is large enough to accommodate two people.  
   
«And so this will be our home for the next month…» I murmur to myself, caressing the carvings in the wood of the furniture that has been renovated, but not repaired, so as to keep the signs of my mother's and mine passage in all those little dents that make them alive and full of history.  
   
«Eren.»  
   
I turn around. Levi is on the threshold, with a small frame in his hand. He doesn’t show me what is inside, but he invites me to get closer.  
   
«There's something we've kept hidden» he begins, looking me in the eye. «Months ago, cleaning up the dirt that had accumulated in this cabin, I found a journal at the bottom of a drawer.»  
   
My heart accelerates so suddenly that I'm sure Levi can hear it.  
   
«Unfortunately, the weather and the humidity had made it virtually illegible and the pages melted when you took them in your hands. But we managed to save one and put it here. It's not complete, but I still thought you wanted to have it…»  
   
He gives me the frame and I feel I have something incredibly heavy in my hands. Or maybe it's just my hands that shake and make it so hard to hold on to the wood?  
I get on the bridge that the last lights of the sun still reach, just the necessary to allow me to read the soft and thin calligraphy of my mother.  
   
_…grows every day more and more, my little pride. He already manages to make very complicated knots and he does it as if they were the most natural thing in the world. He loves the sea and loves this boat as much as I love them. Whenever we find ourselves here, I feel closer to him. The joy of the waves, the scent of the wind, the music of the tides make my heart beat as much as his own. One day this boat will become his and I hope that my little pirate will live our love for the sea as intensely as I am living it._  
   
A drop falls on the glass and I hasten to dry my eyes.  
   
«I… I didn’t even know she had a journal…» I whisper, trying to make the voice clearer and more firm. «Thanks for all this…»  
   
«You can choose where to hang it and we'll fix it tomorrow morning, with the daylight.»  
   
He surrounds my hips with one arm and I let myself tighten, approaching him.  
   
«This is what she has always hoped for me… It's as if she had just say goodbye to me and wished me good luck. As if she were there on the pier ready to greet us with her hand…»  
   
Levi strokes my hand, then squeezes it and takes it to his lips, kissing my palm.  
   
«Then let her see us leave. Do you want to chart a route, Eren?»  
   
«For where?»  
   
«Wherever you want.»  
   
The wind ruffles our hair and almost seems to push us off, impatient to inflate our sails. It doesn’t need a destination to blow, as we don’t need to travel. Our lips touch each other, when I pull him closer.  
   
«Will you come with me?»  
   
«Always.»  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the end of this adventure. 
> 
> The one I will carry in my heart forever, because there is nothing I have loved to write as much as DtS. 
> 
> Thank you for having travelled with me.  
> See you soon, with a new story!


End file.
